On His Journey To Forget

Chapter Fourteen

~Sanem~

Sanem had CeyCey and her childhood friend Muzo with her there at the farm. CeyCey still believed in her and protected her as much as he could. It was the least he could do for his friend, after all she had been through. Her book had been sold all over the world and her busy schedule hadn't allowed her much time to sit and relive the past, so she buried it all deep inside her, but at times there was no holding it back, especially if she visited her parents, and her old neighborhood. It always seemed to stir up those old feelings, the walk to the sea and her favorite spot on the rocks was the one place she that always sent her over the edge. So her visits there became less and less over the months, and with the fact of Emre living there, it posed a lot of pain and heartache for them all when she came. 

Her life seemed to have changed so much with the arrival of Yigit into her life. She wished she had listened to Can from the beginning, he had Yigit pegged from the start. But his was from jealousy, not the fact that Yigit had played such a dirty trick on her with the publishing of her book. Actually the worse part of her life was when Ms. Huma arrived in Istanbul, and she herself convinced Can to accept his mother back in his life. What a mistake that was, Huma took every opportunity to discredit and belittle Sanem. Can had never understood or believed her about his mother and how much Huma hated her. He simply dismissed it, telling her he didn't care if his mother liked her or not, he loved her and that was all that mattered. But it wasn't, Huma made Sanem's life miserable, twisting and turning that  knife in her back with every chance she had.  

But that was all water under the bridge now, and Sanem was stronger for it, but her willingness to love again, to open her heart to someone else would simply be impossible. Can was her destiny, he was her soul, making her incapable of loving anyone else. So she let her work fill her life with strength, and her friends make her heart happy when she needed it. She had made a very profitable side business with her creams, making them in the small workshop behind her home. This smell had been the reason they found each other, she couldn't turn her back on it, she wouldn't. Her feeling for him hadn't changed over the last months, but they had been put in perspective. She could survive without him, she could breath and her heart could beat, without him, but her soul would never be totally be happy without him....

~Can~

Days had passed since he had entered that bookstore and had his world turned upside down again. He was sailing fast and hard around the southern coast of Africa, but he couldn't run far enough to get her book out of his mind. He only thought he had come to terms with her, had accepted what she thought of him, but in fact it was all a farce, just the sight of her name had thrown him into a deep depression. The thought of Yigit making all her dreams come true, and the realization of him making all her nightmare a reality with his mistrust and jealousy, was almost more than he could comprehend. 

He had sailed into the Indian Ocean, moving aimlessly through the water. With his best calculations, he was sure he was close to Madagascar, it was probably the view of land he saw on the horizon, it was still miles away. He didn't have any plans of docking there, his supplies were holding out well, and he had let the wind be his fuel. His head was still processing what had happened in Cape Town, so the thought of a reliving of that wasn't something he wanted. 

The day was about as perfect as a day could be, with the gentle wind giving him just enough to stay the course. It had taken a while, but his heart had calmed down, with the acceptance of what his life was now. The voice inside him was quiet, not violently lashing out, not screaming or yelling all that he felt in his heart. He was where he should be, and this is where he would stay. 

He tossed out his anchor a short distance from the main island of Mahe, in the Seychelles islands. He would rest her for a few days, just floating and letting his heart mend. He had been thinking about his Dad and Emre a lot lately. Looking at his calendar, he realized he had been gone from Turkey for over 8 months. He was sure his Dad was frantically trying to find him, and the thought of bringing him this much pain didn't make him feel good at all. But the time to return home may never come for him, that ability to let himself just sail back into the place he had always loved and the place that always made him feel worthwhile may never happen. He had lost the connection for home, that need to have a place, the desire to belong. Sanem had been all those things for him, and now she was gone, but never gone from his heart. This would be his home, the home that made him feel safe from heartache, the boat that had carried him away from the pain, giving him back to the solitude and loneliness that had always been his home. 

He watched the lights of the pier in the distance, and imagined the rush of people and tourist there. It made him nervous and uneasy to think about. If he needed to go ashore he would, but for only a quick trip to get some food items and water. He didn't want to interact with people, they always demanded to much of him, making him feel like he had to explain himself. So he would rest out here on the boat until he needed to move on. He had nursed the reading of the books he bought in Cape Town, slowly covering each page with meaning. Rereading them over and over until he had them memorized. But the thought of going to another bookstore to buy more was out of the question. The nights still held a vigil to her, his dreams of their life that had been, their happiness, their heartbreak, this was all a part of him now. He had grown use to it, and welcomed it each night, it was almost like a consolation prize for loving her. A gift of remembering her and the love he had for her without the feeling of guilt. 

For some reason this night was special, he dreamed of the first time he proposed to her, it was at the cabin. His dream was vivid and exact, making him moan in his sleep, calling out her name, as he often did, to marry him. Her answer was always the same, no matter how many times he dreamed it, it was always the same. His heart breaking as the dream went on, turning into a nightmare. Yigit had appeared in his dream, he was taking Sanem away, pulling her away from the cabin as the fire flamed up burning her notebook. He was reaching for her, grasping for her hand, but the flames had come between them, blocking his view of her. The terror of it all made him sit upright, his body drenched in sweat, and his heart beating hard inside his chest. He was crying, the tears were actually falling down his face, making him rub his face hard with his hands. He took a deep breath.....

Would this ever end....

Would his heart ever get over her.....

He hoped he would never stop dreaming about her,... and he prayed that his heart could withstand the pain....