On His Journey To Forget

Chapter Twelve

He had marked his days religiously on the lid of that pizza box, so that morning as he watched the sun wake up the day, he wrote, " November 25th, somewhere in the South Atlantic Ocean," having to write very small to record it on the box. It was almost full, leaving little space to mark down his location. He had been sailing alone out here on this massive body of water for 54 days, drifting, then sailing fast with the appearance of the wind, then back to drifting. This was the way of his feelings as well. His mind in and out of reality, talking to himself, verbally explaining out loud what had happened to his life. He had sailed into a port in Nigeria just to fuel up and replenish his water supply, the food had lasted longer than he expected so he opted not to find a market. He had even caught a few ocean fish as he drifted along, that had helped keep his mind busy and they actually tasted very good as his desire for food had began to return. 

The nights were still the worse times for him. He felt closed in, especially if it was a cloudy night with no stars or moon visible, the presence of them seemed to bring her closer to him. He remembered each story she had told him about the stars, her knowledge of all of these things had always amazed him, made him want to be with her. She was like no one else he had ever met. Many times he thought she was there with him, as he drifted along in the massive and endless sea. Most of these times were the result of the whiskey he had consumed, but each time felt so real, so true in his mind that when he would reach for her and she wasn't there, he would feel like another piece of him had died. His heart longed for her each minute of the day, as he made himself continue on, forced himself to feel all the hurt that he had brought to himself, and vowed to never forget how his actions had caused him all this pain.

It was late in the morning on that day of November 25th, when the wind and clouds took on a different look and feel. It happened quickly, the clouds turned black, bellowing and churning with a vengeance. It didn't take him long to realize that he was heading into one hell of a storm. He hurried about lowering the sails and securing any thing loose on the boat. He steered the vessel eastward toward the African coastline, trying to find a little shelter from this storm. It looked like the biggest one he had been faced with yet. He fired up the motor to fight against the force of the wind, as he tried to keep the boat on course and heading inland. Then the rain hit, pelting him with what seemed like tiny bits of metal, stinging his skin. He felt the air turn much colder, he wanted to find his jacket, but the wind was so strong there was no way he could walk away from the wheel. He watched as the ice form along the railing of the boat and on the rigging of the mast, this could possibly be a very dangerous situation, he thought. 

He had always thought his boat was a safe vessel, large enough to make it through any type of storm, but he was quickly seeing that it may not be. They were being tossed about on the water much like a toy, all he could do was hang on to the wheel, and hope for the best. This was the time he knew he had to stay calm and keep his senses, but he would be lying if he didn't say he was scared. The cold ocean water splashed violently over the side of the boat, he was soaked to the bone and shivering as the storm raged on. Was this the end for him, his mind was racing at the thought of it, as the boat seemed to be at the mercy of this storm, bucking and slamming against the waves. He hoped he was still veering toward the coast but he couldn't be sure with the wind still swirling about. His arms were tired from battling the wheel for what seemed an eternity, against the force of the wind, but the storm seemed to be weakening. Then it was gone, just as fast as it came, it was gone, his body weak and broken from the fight. He slumped down across the wheel of the boat, trying desperately to catch his breath, and clear his head. The water took on a calmness that was as eerie as the storm, he dropped the anchor and went below to change out of his wet clothes. He sat on the edge of his bunk reliving the incident in his head, what if he hadn't made it, what if he hadn't lived through that. They would have never found him out her in the middle of this huge body of water, as he thought of his Dad and the anguish that he would have felt. 

He stayed there for a while, letting himself rest and regain some strength. As he came back up top he could see the water was calm and beautiful, taking on the appearance a being reborn, maybe it was even relieved the storm was gone. Sanem was present in his mind, as he laid on the deck resting his muscles, filling him with more regret and unhappiness for what he  had done. He let his mind wander and remember what he had done to bring himself to this time and place. He wondered how Yigit was, was he still in a wheelchair, was Sanem by his side, helping him, nurturing him. He had to make his mind see it, feel it, so his heart would accept it. He knew he had to get another message to his Dad and Emre to let them know he was ok, it was only right. Maybe they would tell Sanem he was ok, but she may not care, she may not want to know anything at all about him. The thought of that hurt him, hurt him so badly that his heart felt it may stop beating. He went below and got his last bottle of whiskey and a glass. That thought had pushed him over the edge, made him want to get lost in this bottle of whiskey, to forget everything there was to remember about her. The first drink burned all the way down. It had been a while since he had visited his friend, this bottle of booze, this liquid that numbed his brain. 

He closed his eyes and let his heart take over, seeing her at the hut dancing when she didn't think he was looking, the night he found her sitting in the garden of his house waiting for him. The day he confessed his love for her at his childhood home, and the day she told him she wasn't attracted to him. These were all the times his heart loved her more than he thought possible, more than he knew he could love anyone. She would always live inside him, no matter what he did, or where he went, she would always be there. 

He knew this now,.....it was a fact.

He would change, let that old Can go, become someone that wasn't like he was before.

She may never be his again, but no one could ever take her memory from him......