Useless

Chapter 14

Cripple.

Burden.

Son of a servant.

Worthless.

Trouble maker.

Useless.

Wei Wuxian had heard these insults more times than he could even begin to remember throughout his life. He's probably heard them more times then his own name. Be it from Madam Yu, or the other disciples, or even from strangers on the street. Even now, as he sent Jin Zixun flying from the ring, some of the disciples amongst those cheering were whispering. Wei Wuxian wanted to glare at them. He had won hadn't he? Why were they disappointed? As he sheathed Suibian and stepped down from the elevated platform, Wei Wuxian heard clearly what they were saying.

"It was an easy fight," he heard someone say. "We all know Jin Zixun isn't as talented as his cousin. They should have let the cripple be beat by someone better."

That made Wei Wuxian stop in his tracks. It was easy, they said. Of course it was easy. It was easy because of Wei Wuxian's skills, not because of the easy competition. Angry tears pricked at Wei Wuxian's eyes. Even after all of that, after beating Jin Zixun fair and square, they still insulted him and thought that it was too easy for him. Wei Wuxian couldn't handle it anymore. He needed to just get away from everyone. Well, not before talking to his brother first.

Jiang Cheng was giving him a proud smile as he walked up. To make sure his brother didn't think anything was wrong, he returned it with a fake smile. He learned a long time ago that he was good at faking his emotions.

"You did good," Jiang Cheng told him, patting him on his good arm.

"Thanks," was all Wei Wuxian could say. He wasn't feeling up for putting on this mask for long but he also didn't want Jiang Cheng to worry too much. He made himself smile wider. "I won. It was so easy!" he laughed, though his heart wasn't truly in it.

Jiang Cheng blinked at him, a flash of emotion passed through his eyes.

"Wei Wuxian, are you alright?" he asked hesitantly. Wei Wuxian's smile faltered.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" he shrugged it off even though a thin sheen of sweat ran down his back from lying to his brother. A pang in his chest and a short gasp of air told him that a panic attack was coming on.

"Sorry I-i need to go."

"Wait! Wei Wuxian!"

Wei Wuxian walked away from his brother briskly. He wasn't sure where he was going, he only knew that he had to get away.

His breath was coming out in short gasps as he finally collapsed against some building when he thought he was far away enough from the clans. The tears that had been pricking at his eyes before finally fell and Wei Wuxian let out a choked sob.

It was always like this when things became too much. Jiang Cheng and Shijie didn't even know he had panic attacks sometimes. He always hid himself away when he was having a hard time. He was already bothering his siblings enough by just being in their presence, no need to bring this up too. It was lonely and painful to go through it alone, but it's what he thought he had to do.

He spent the next few minutes trying to calm down. It was easy to stop crying but his chest still ached painfully, and it made it hard to breathe. The Jiang healer had taught him breathing exercises and he tried to put those to use, but it was hard in this mental state.

Wei Wuxian glared down at his slinged arm angrily and not for the first time in his life. This is all your fault. Why couldn't you have just healed right? Then I would be normal, then no one would hate me.