Daisy's Blossoming

20. Love?

Haneul didn't say anything when we got into the car to return to the hotel. Andy and Rita had taken their own car.

I felt nervous. 

'Are you, upset?' I asked Haneul quietly.

'Upset? Why would I be upset?' He said but I could hear in his voice that something was off.

'Does it bother you that I'm still a... that I've never had sex before?' I reformulated my question.

He didn't say anything for a while.

'Do you think I'm too young?' I asked him, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

I wish I hadn't answered Rita's question.

'No, Daisy, no. Of course not. I knew when I saw you when I felt what I felt in that instant, I knew you would be much younger. I knew and I did not care,' Haneul said, tripping over his own words, but still not looking at me.

'Then what?' I asked irritated.

'It's just,' he started but then he sighed, 'I... I never expected you to be this young... This... naive,' he said hesitantly.

I exploded.

'Oh, so, what? Now because I haven't had sex before, I'm naive? I'm too young? Just because I didn't do it yet doesn't say anything about me! It wasn't that I didn't want to or that I was saving myself for someone special, I just didn't have the time, nor had anyone who was interested in me back then for that matter!' I snapped at him.

'You're right, it's just... Back at Andy's... I shouldn't have...' Haneul faltered.

'Shouldn't have what? Fingered me?' The disgust I had for that word made me even angrier. 'Well sorry to break it to you but I wanted it. I asked you for it. Hell, if it would've been up to me you would've taken me right then and there but you were the one who walked away god dammit. I might be naive sometimes but when it comes to love I do whatever the fuck I want to! Whether that means I'm having sex or not. It doesn't make me young. It doesn't make me naive. And fuck you for thinking that!' 

We had arrived at the hotel and I angrily tried to unbuckle myself, but the seatbelt didn't comply.

'Love?' I heard Haneul say softly. 

'What?' I snapped at him, letting go of the seatbelt in frustration.

'You said, when it comes to love you do what you want,' Haneul said, looking at me finally. His expression was soft, his pink lips slightly parted.

'What? Sex. I meant sex. I do whatever I want regarding sex,' I said feeling like my face was on fire.

Haneul blinked then shook his head ever so slightly.

'I love you, Daisy,' he said quietly. 

I froze.

'And I never meant to say that you're naive or too young because you haven't had sex before. I was just... surprised. I mistranslated. Mis-explained. I was afraid I had been too careless with you back then, too harsh. I was afraid I might have ruined things at Andy's for you since you'd never...' he whispered to me.

I couldn't move.

'I love you Daisy, and If I had known it would've been your first time I would've been gentler with you. Taken my time a little more. I would've done better by you,' a crease appeared between his brows as he frowned slightly, 'I feel like I might've ruined it for you, it was just... the heat... and you... and I lost control... and...' 

Haneul closed his eyes as he rubbed his forehead. 

'Rui-ruined?' I stammered. 

I could hardly believe my ears.