The Dr. Max Jaxon Collaxion

Dr. Max Jaxon and the Slight of Hands

     There is an ancient story from olden times about a voo-doo necklace made from tiny midget hands or monkey hands or shrunken normal hands but nobody knows because it was lost to history. This necklace has the power of 5,000 normal voo-doo necklaces because it was so powerful. But if you wore it then it would trap your soul in one of the hands and you would have to be like a zombie forever unless you guessed which hand trapped your soul. But that is just an old wives tale or so though Dr. Max Jaxon!
     Dr. Max Jaxon did not believe in ghost stories. He believed in science only. That is what made him so smart. But sometimes there is more to the story than just science. That is what Jason thought. Jason was Dr Max Jaxon's super smart smart phone that sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator 2. He was afraid of dinosaurs. Dr Max Jaxon thought that was stupid.
     As they flew on the super plane to the secret jungles of Arabia, they talked with Lucy who was Dr Max Jaxon's super plane with a super hot voice like a girl from a popular TV show. Jason was always like, "Dang! Her voice is niiiiiice." When he heard her.
     Janet was with them. She was an expert in voo-doo. Some people thought she was a real voo-doo queen but not Dr Max Jaxon though. He just thought she was freaky.
     Dr Max Jaxon was telling Jason about how women are like the wind, always blowing away somewhere else, but some were nice like a nice breeze. But some women are like hot tornadoes of fire. Jason was like, "No way! You are only saying that because your girlfriend fell in an ice hole!"
     Just then everyone was as quiet as someone screaming in space where no one can hear you scream. Jason had gone too far this time. Dr Max Jaxon was about to do something crazy.
     Just then something crazy happened! When no one was looking, they were all ambushed by ninjas! Ninjas were coming out from everywhere! Throwing stars started wizzing around from everywhere! Tons of smoke bombs were blowing up in their faces! Dr Max Jaxon raced to the cockpit and closed the bulletproof door. All the ninjas were like, "Oh snap! How do we get in there!?!"
     "I will die before I ever tell you the secret!" Screamed Jason bravely. But one of the ninjas was a master hacker with mad hacking skills! He whipped out his hackbot2000 and plugged it in to Jason's USB plugs.
     "Get your hands off my boyfriend!" Screamed Lucy like a murderous airplane robot. Jason was like, "AWW SUCKA!" But then the ninja hacked his circuits and stole his memory! Then he fried all his circuits using ninja hackery! Lucy was going crazyyyyyy!
     Just then Dr. Max Jaxon bursted out of the cockpit like an avalanche of awesome! He punched one ninja OUT! Then he saw Janet who was just doing nothing to help and he was like, "Do some voo-doo girl!"
     "I'm not a real voo-doo queen, but I will try to!" She bravely whispered. Then she pulled some chicken hearts out from her pockets! They were made of acid! All the ninjas were like, "NO WAY A REAL VOO-DOO QUEEN!!!!" Then they got acid chicken hearts in their faces!
     Dr. Max Jaxon was fighting like three ninjas and he got stabbed by a ninja in his head. He fell on the floor with blood shooting around all over the place! It was a terrible mess!
     Janet ran over to help and dropped a little bit of acid juice on his head to stop the bleeding. Then she looked into his eyes and said, "THE ZOMBIE CURSE IS REAL AND IT GOT YOU NOW BOYEEEEEE!" Dr. Max Jaxon looked down and he was wearing the slight of hands! It tore at his soul like hot lava tearing up a supermassive volcano! He screamed into the night! Janet laughed and her hair turned into anacondas! Their mouths were about to surround him!
     Then Dr. Max Jaxon woke up. He had the same dream he always had again. He clutched at his neck but the necklace was gone from his neck, just like the memories of last nights dreams. They were slowly fading until all that was left was a feeling like when you want to remember something that you can't remember. But he didn't want to remember. Dr. Max Jaxon didn't have time for dreaming.
     Then Jason beeped up and was like, "I felt like you were having some bad dreams last night. Is that something you want to talk about?"
     "No way, Jason, dreams are for humans only, you know that!" Shouted Dr. Max Jaxon. Jason was always trying to learn his dreams so he could be a real person. He would never shut up about it.
     Just then the security alarm system went haywire! Someone was trying to break into the house! "Jason, I need a full status alert, stat!" Screamed Dr. Max Jaxon through clenched teeth as he ran to the surveillance room of his house.
     "Yes sir!" Piped Jason. He sounded kind of scared though. "Jason, now is not the time to get all scared on me! I need that status report!"
     "Yes SIR!" Said Jason a little more bravely. He reported the status report, "I don't understand, it says there is nothing to report! Oooohhhhhh, what if it's ghosts!"
     "JASON DONT BE AN IDIOT! Ghosts are just stories parents tell their children before they go to bed at night! Not real things!"
     "I would probably know about it if you told me about dreams." Said Jason like a punk.
     Dr. Max Jaxon's eyes narrowed as his face turned red and purple and the veins popped out of his face. Just then the doorbell rang. It was like an angelic chorus of electric guitars wailing into the air of the house. Dr. Max Jaxon gave Jason one more dirty look and huffed out his breath, then went to check on the door.
     He looked through the peephole and huffed out his breath. No wonder all the alarms were blasting. It was his neighbor Marco Masterson. That guy was always packing heat. And his heat was the hottest.
     "Marco!" Yelled Dr. Max Jaxon as he pressed the "alarm off" button that was in the place of where a peephole would normally be. "You know I have important artifact stuff to do! Make it quick!"
     Marco was like, "I have this new gun I wanted to show you. It can shoot through 17 tanks."
     Everyone was like "DANG!" Except Dr. Max Jaxon. He was cool as frozen liquid nitrogen. Like solid liquid nitrogen! That's friggin' cool.
     "Dang you are a cool guy," whispered Marco jealously. He pulled the gun from his holster. It was like a ton of desert eagles on steroids! It had sniper capabilities and missile capabilities! "This is Berty," said Marcos, patting the gun with his hands.
     Jason was like, "Do you think that could kill a dinosaur because I think we should get one." He said cowardily.
     Dr. Max Jaxon rolled his eyes to Marcos and they were both like, "yeah whatever Jason." Jason was always blabbing about dinosaurs.
     Just then Jason picked up a signal from satellites in outer space. It was How Dr. Max Jaxon discovered artifacts using lasers and vibrations of the earth. "9.9 MAX AWESOME artifact found!" Jason bellowed! 9.9 was the best MAX AWESOME level there was!
     "Awesome!" Screamed Marcos. "Let's go get it!"
     "Not so fast, bud!" Retorted Dr. Max Jaxon. "I never said you were going!"
     Marcos was dejected like someone stole his awesome gun. He wanted to search for cool artifacts and be a world famous artifact hunter like Dr. Max Jaxon, but he would never get to do that if he always had to miss out! He angry shouted, "What if Jazz McQueen is there? If he comes, you will need THE HEAT!!!"
     Marcos always knew exactly what to say to get into Dr. Max Jaxon's head. "Fine then," agreed Dr. Max Jaxon, "Just keep that thing ready for when trouble comes," he said sternly.
     Marcos put Berty in the holster. It was heavy with the gas can attached to the bottom for the flame thrower and the metal spikes where the handle was. Marcos always got all the bells and whistles attached to his guns. But not this one. It just had implements of death! There were 11 different ways to kill someone with Berty gun, not counting the light saber bayonet. It looked just like a bayonet from world war 2 but it was like a light saber instead.
     Dr. Max Jaxon packed up tons of important equipment for finding artifacts and traps too. They were all top of the line. Dr. Max Jaxon's motto of artifact hunting was to always pack the best equipment because you never know. That was also his motto of life!
     Just then Jason was like, "I've got an update on the artifact! It's in New Orleans. It's the Slight of Hands!!!"
    "Huuuwhhaaaaaa???" Said Dr. Max Jaxon. He said that because of the dream he had about the Slight of hands. Jason whispered, "I just wish for once you would just let me into your head."
     "I bet you do, JASON!" Retaliated Dr. Max Jaxon. "But I don't have time for that. Tonight I have a date with destiny and when you have a date with destiny, you're always stuck with the check."
     Everyone was like DANG! DR MAX JAXON IS POETIC!
     "Everyone just calm down!" Shouted Dr. Max Jaxon authoritatively. "New Orleans is a dangerous place! Voodoo is friggin' everywhere! That's why in artifact hunter circles they call it "VOODOODOPOLIS!!!!""
     Everyone calmed down and got scared. It was getting real. They were going to New Orleans. Jason just hoped that everyone got back alive. Especially Lucy. That was his girlfriend. It was pretty serious. Kind of like that movie the Notebook with Ryan Gosling and that girl that played in Alias, but with a cell phone and an airplane instead of people.
     Dr. Max Jaxon didn't care about that. Love was the opposite of science and he was a scientist. He loved everything about science, especially artifacts. Sometimes he thought people should be more like artifacts - full of ancient memories, made of gold, and lost in a cave. Sometimes he wished he was more like an artifact.
     "All aboard!" He yelled aloud. Everyone got in Lucy. It was like walking on an alien spaceship from another planet. Steam was coming up out of everywhere, but cool not like something was broken. As they walked through the hatch the door slammed silently open. This was the farthest Marcos had ever been on an adventure. His eyes were bulging out of his sockets like the head of an almost born baby. "This superplane is really nice," he pondered.
     "Don't get any ideas!" Replied Jason. He was going to keep an eye on Marcos. He thought he saw USB plugs on that Berty gun.
     "Hello Jason," said Lucy. She used to be super mean to Jason but she was nice now that they were going steady. Her voice was awesome like a mix between a super seductive siren and a Bon Jovi guitar solo. Marcos almost choked up his toothpick. He never heard anything like that before.
     "OK Lucy it's time to go. Set a course to New Orleans!!!!" Ordered Dr. Max Jaxon bravely. Everyone else strapped in for the ride. In a few seconds they were cruising at Mach 15 through the windy night. It took a couple of hours then they were over the New Orleans airspace. When they got close to the artifact spot, Lucy slowed down to Mach 2 and landed on the top of a flat roof close to the artifact location. It was deep in the swamps of New Orleans.
     The plane doors swished open through the night. The moon drifted in. A lone wolf howled at it. This was New Orleans, baby.
     Dr. Max Jaxon and Jason and Marcos Masterson walked down out of the plane. "Be careful you guys!" Chirped Lucy caringly. Jason winked and then they all took off to the swamplands. Dr. Max Jaxon took out the Artitracker 5000 and aimed it at the swamp. That was how Dr. Max Jaxon tracked the artifact location by ultrasonic analysis of the earth. "It's 100 feet that way!" Pointed Dr. Max Jaxon. Just then everyone heard a familiar voice.
     "TOO LATE AGAIN, DR. JAXON!" Chided Jazz McQueen. "I presume you were looking for this!?!?" Jazz McQueen stood in front of them, dressed in a white striped tuxedo, and wearing the Slight of Hands on his chest! Marcos pulled out Berty but Dr. Max Jaxon was like, "No! You will damage the artifact!" Unfortunately for Marcos he loved his artifacts more than he hated Jazz McQueen.
     "Give me my artifact, JAZZ!" Bristled Dr. Max Jaxon sternly.
     But Jazz McQueen would never give up the artifact easy. He would give it up hard. And that's what Dr. Max Jaxon was counting on.
     "If you want this artifact you will have to pull it from my cold, dead neck!" Said Jazz McQueen as he pulled out a tommy gun hidden in the swamp. "Now eat some lead, turds!!!"
     "Dive for it!!" Shouted Jason. Dr. Max Jaxon and Marcos dove into overdrive. Bullets started flying everywhere! Marcos yanked his gun from the holster. "I'll put it into stun mode!" He screamed over the sound of bullets screaming through the New Orleans night. He wasn't taking any chances on damaging the priceless artifact The Slight of Hands. Dr. Max Jaxon nodded approvingly. Maybe Marcos Masterson would make a good sidekick. If they made it out of New Orleans alive.
     Just then Jason freaked out, "I can't take it anymore! Press the button!" Dr. Max Jaxon knew what he was talking about the button. It was the nuclear option. Jason was going to sacrifice himself to save the team and his one true love, Lucy. Dr. Max Jaxon choked in surprise. "I guess you are brave after all, Jason." He said solemnly. "You really do care about us after all." Just then he saw some swamp snakes a few feet away. Then an idea formed in his head.
     "Cover me, Marcos!" He yelled as bullets penetrated the air around him.
     "10-4 Doc!" Replied Marcos through the sound of stun bullets blowing out the tip of his gun barrel. Berty gun could shoot stun bullets at 2000 rpm and he was putting the pedal to the metal.
    Dr. Max Jaxon flew out of cover and into the open of the swamp. Just 20 feet to go. Bullets were scudding past him. He could feel the heat of the lead as it whistled past. It was like a hot lead shower of near death. Just one wrong move and lead would fill his body like so many bullets filling his body. He made it to the snakes just in time. A bullet shot through the place where he was standing just a moment ago. Jazz McQueen cursed and jumped behind a bog to reload his tommy gun. Marcos kept the heat on, just like he promised he would. Dr. Max Jaxon's lips pressed together in a grinning smile. He grabbed the snakes with his bear hands. Obviously they were not poisonous but Jazz McQueen didn't have to know that!
     "Give up, Dr. Jaxon, I have you right where I want you now!" Teased Jazz McQueen while arching his eyebrows. He looked like an evil villain.
     "Ok, fine, I give up," screamed Dr. Max Jaxon. "Just don't hurt my friends!" Everyone was like HUUUWHHHAAAAAAA????  Dr. Max Jaxon never gives up. Marcos was like, "Whoa! Don't do it! We got this!" But Dr. Max Jaxon said sternly, "Put down your gun Marcos. We want to live to fight another day! Jazz McQueen is too powerful for us!"
     Jazz McQueen smiled wistfully. "That's very thoughtful of you, Max old pal." That was what Dr. Max Jaxon was waiting for, Jazz McQueen to let down his guard. He suddenly threw the snakes in Jazz McQueen's direction! "Stun him DOWN!" He screamed to Marcos. Jazz McQueen screamed, "yeeeaaaaawwwwwaaaaaaaiiiiii!"
And dropped his tommy gun. Marcos unloaded on him, but he fell down behind a rock and was lost to sight. Smoke from guns was everywhere. Everyone was stumbling around trying to find each other. It was like the worlds deadliest game of Marco Polo. Jason was like, "I'm pretty glad you didn't use the nuclear option even though I would have been ok with it."
     "Me too, Jason," replied Dr. Max Jaxon. Just then Jazz McQueen popped up from behind a swamp rock! Marcos was nowhere to be seen! Jazz McQueen had a handgun pointed at Dr. Max Jaxon's heart.
     "Now it is time for you to take a fall. Who would guess you would die in the same place you were born!?!?"
     "What the!?!?" Stammered Dr. Max Jaxon surprisedly. Jazz McQueen was smiling suspiciously. "What was all this about being born in New Orleans!?!?" Dr. Max Jaxon wondered. Did it really matter though? Yes.
     At that moment, when Jazz McQueens finger was pressing the trigger most of the way down, just inches from pulling the trigger, he jerked around. "Owwwwweeeeeeeeee!!!!" He screamed. His gun shot off In the air, just inches from Dr. Max Jaxon's face! "Wooooowwweeeeewoooooooo!!!!!" Screamed Jazz McQueen lamely. Nothing was even happening to him. He was just frisking out. Dr. Max Jaxon looked on, wondering what the heck was up with this guy.
     Just then Janet stepped from behind a boggy marsh. She was holding a Jazz McQueen Voodoo doll! He had almost forgot! New Orleans was the VOODOOOPOLIS!!! Janet really was a voodoo queen!
     The slight of hands fell to the ground. Dr. Max Jaxon picket it up gingerly and wrapped it in a handkerchief before putting it in his pocket.
     "No. That's mine." Whispered Janet. "I'm the queen of New Orleans now and that means I am in charge!" Dr. Max Jaxon didn't have an argument for that. He had one rule in life: NEVER MESS WITH VOODOO! Jazz McQueen learned that lesson the hard way, obviously.
    Dr. Max Jaxon sadly handed the artifact to Janet. She knocked the Jazz McQueen doll over the head instantly knocking out Jazz McQueen and he fell in the bog. She gave the doll to Dr. Max Jaxon.
     "No thanks." He replied. I need him alive. He threw the doll in the swamp and walked away. He would see Jazz McQueen again one day. And that day, he had some questions for him.
     Jason was like, "that was really brave Dr. Max Jaxon," he said.
      "I know, Jason!" Said Dr. Max Jaxon quimsically. "He's a bad dude, but I dont think our adventures with him are over yet." He thought.
     Jason replied confusedly, "Maybe one day you will let me in that head of yours. Irregardless, I will always trust your instincts."
     Dr. Max Jaxon and Jason found Marcos at the super plane. "I got lost in the smoke and bog and headed back here." He said embarrassed. "What happened? Did Jazz McQueen get away? Did he get the slight of hands?"
     "Let's just say he got his head knocked out by a voodoo queen," replied Dr Max Jaxon sagely. They all got in Lucy and started back for home. The adventure was over for now. But not forever!

THE END
FOR NOW.