The Dr. Max Jaxon Collaxion

Dr. Max Jaxon and the Web of Lies

     Long, long ago in the years of the distant past a man named Abraham Lincoln roamed the earth. Most people know that Abraham Lincoln was tall and had a beard and wore an old timey hat. But did you also know that Abraham Lincoln couldn't lie!?!? That is why he used to be known as America's worst president. He was always giving away our secret plans to the enemies! YIKES.
     Until one day Betty Ross had had enough! "I had enough!" She said in a serious voice! All of her sewing partners nodded their heads and made yes sounds. So she did some old USA magic and sewed the Web of Lies! Instantly it became a 9.9 MAX AWESOME artifact!! As long as Abraham Lincoln has the Web of Lies, he could lie! He would put it in his pocket or in his hat and instantly he could lie about anything! The first night he was like "Mary Toad!" (That is what he called his wife because apparently she was lacking in the looks department). He said "Mary Toad ask me if I wear an old timey hat!"
     She was like, "No idiot everyone knows you wear a stupid old timey hat I wish you would take if off already it smells."
     Then Lincoln was like, "Just ask me already before I inaugurate your head!" He was awesome like that. She was like, "Fine! But only because I'm more sick of your inaugurating than your stupid hat!!" Everyone was like, "OOOHHHHH Lincoln just got BURRNNNED!" Then she was like, "Abraham, babe, are you wearing a stupid old timey hat again?"
     Abraham Lincoln was like, "No way Mary Toad! BOOM!" The whole room just got silent. Abraham Lincoln has just lied for the first time! Everyone was cheering!
     All archeologists know this story from archeology 101. And everyone knew that the Web of Lies disappeared never to be found ever again. Maybe it was better that way everyone thought. The Web of Lies is too powerful. What if it got in to the wrong hands!?!? Who knows what kinds of things a bad dude like Jazz McQueen could do with an artifact like that.
     Dr. Max Jaxon knew and that was why he spent his entire life searching for it. To keep it out of the hands of Jazz McQueen! That was basically why he searched for all the artifacts. Because Jazz McQueen sucked.
     Dr. Max Jaxon was an archeologist like Indiana Jones but more rugged and handsome with a sweet cowboy hat. He didn't believe in magic or curses because he believed in science. His motto that he lived by was "Nothing but the cold hard facts!" It never let him down.
     Anyway, Dr. Max Jaxon knew a lot about Abraham Lincoln and he programmed all of the information about him into Jason, his ultra smart smart phone like Siri but way smarter with a friggin awesome voice like Arnold Schwartzeneggar from Terminator 2.
     Jason has so much Abraham Lincoln information programmed into his programs that he was constantly saying stuff like, "Four Score ago we had ice cream but someone ate it all!" Dr. Max Jaxon rebutted, "Shut up Jason you are such a baby you don't even like ice cream!" Jason was feeling sassy so he replied, "I would if you would let me try some and stop eating it all all the time!" Dr. Max Jaxon got red in the face and started to slam his spoon on the table just when an alarm blared through the house!
     MAX AWESOME 9.9 artifact found! Dr. Max Jaxon choked. 9.9 MAX AWESOME was as good as it gets. And you can probably guess what it was that's right it was the Web of Lies! Jason used his most professional robot voice to report all of the artifact information to Dr. Max Jaxon. Dr. Max Jaxon squinted his eyes at Jason. "Whew," Jason thought. He barely got out of that situation.
     The artifact was hidden in the most obvious place in the world. Dr. Max Jaxon slapped his forehead when he heard about it. It made a loud noise like someone slapping their best friend in the face. The Web of Lies was at the top of Mount Rushmore! Right on top of George Washington's head! It had been there the whole time! Thankfully no one had found it and used its powers for evil.
     "We have to find it before Jazz McQueen does," shouted Dr. Max Jaxon. "But also find the person who has been betraying me forever!" He whispered in his mind. For a while he had been thinking that someone close to his personal proximity had been sending Jazz McQueen the location of all of the best 9.9 MAX AWESOME artifacts. Jazz always seemed to be a step ahead of him.
     Just then Marco Masterson was like, "I heard the alarms going off, are we going to get an artifact or not?" He had always been jealous of Dr. Max Jaxon's jet setting lifestyle, but it wasn't always about setting jets. Sometimes it was about traveling in superplanes like Lucy, Dr. Max Jaxon's superplane. Her name was Lucy and she had a voice like a siren angel robot and she could fly at Mach 20. Jason was always stammering when he was around Lucy because sometimes they would date. Dr. Max Jaxon was like, "You didn't even finish your ice cream, Marco! You are so wasteful."
     Marco made a face like he wished he could be anywhere else. Jason thought this was his big chance. He chirped, "I'll-" but Dr. Max Jaxon cut him off sharply, "DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT JASON I WILL SHUT YOU DOWN SO FAST!!!" He said. And that was the end of talking about ice cream for a while.
     Dr. Max Jaxon looked at Marco inquisitively. "Marco, how much can I trust you?" he thought internally. Externally, he was like, "MARCO! Get ready. It's gonna be a bumpy ride!" Marco turned his head and wondered if he would ever get in to Dr. Max Jaxon's impervious head. Just for a minute, to find out what made him tick. Marco knew his own head was totally pervious to anyone. He was an open book, and the pages were written in blood. Guns and explosions made him tick. And the look from a fine woman when he shot his custom made bazooka guns. That's what made Marco tick.
     "I'm ready Dr. Jaxon! I'm always ready," said Marco bravely. He he lifted his new bazooka gun from next to his unfinished bowl of ice cream. The gun had knives on the handle and the bazooka part and even knives on the end of the bullets so that you could stab someone before you blew them up. It was Bazooka Magazine's gun of the year.
     "Sweet gun, Marco," thought Dr. Max Jaxon, but what he really said was, "Nice gun." Then he paused. Then he said, "Marco, when the action starts and the bullets are flying and the heads are rolling and death is in the air like a fine woman's perfume, but worse, and stuff gets real, will you have my back?"
     It was such a good speech that a tear was running down Marcos' cheek. "I will always have your back TO THE MAX!" Yelled Marco! That is when Dr. Max Jaxon knew Marco was a good guy and not a traitor.
     Jason was like, "Dang! Good one, Dr. Jaxon!"
     Then they all piled into Lucy. "Hi, Jason, you are looking good tonight." She piped cheerily. "That's enough flirting, Lucy, we have to get to Mount Rushmore STAT!" Shouted Dr. Max Jaxon. Jason blushed. The last time he saw Lucy she was flying them home from New Orleans and they didn't have time to talk. He hoped she hadn't forgot about him.
     Lucy took off from the secret runway in Dr. Max Jaxon's backyard that was like an airport, but more secret. Only Lucy knew where it was. Dr. Max Jaxon opened some bottles of beer and passed them around. On Lucy, everyone flew first class! Besides, it was going to be a long time before they got to Mount Rushmore, even in a superfast hypersonic airplane like Lucy. The beers were awesome, like all the beers you ever had mixed together. It was called SUPERBEER KAMIKAZI LITE and only Dr. Max Jaxon could buy it. Marco stammered in awe, "This beer is totally the best ever!" He said. Once again, he wished he could be like Dr. Max Jaxon and have mysterious things and great beers.
     "Is that beer glutton free?" Asked Jason?
     "NO BEER FOR YOU JASON!" Screamed Max Jaxon. "I need you in tip tip shape!"
     "We are approaching touchdown zone," intoned Lucy bravely. "Scanning for traps."
     "Oh man, not traps again," said Jason lamely. Seriously, Dr. Max Jaxon didn't think Jason could get any lamer than he was acting already tonight! He was embarrassing him in front of Marco!
     "Jason, shut your mouth trap and hold it together, man!" Said Dr. Max Jaxon. Jason just needed some encouragement to help him settle down and stop worrying about traps all the time.
     "It doesn't even matter because there are no traps detected!" Said Lucy chipperly. She was embarrassed sometimes about Jason too but he was just trying to be safe.
     "Good to hear, Lucy my love!" Said Jason. The whole room went totally quiet. That was the first time Jason told Lucy that he loved her. It was a climaxic moment.
     "Enough of all of this lovey dovey crap!" Shouted Dr. Max Jaxon sagely. He was having a tough time getting everyone to focus since Jason had said he loved Lucy. It was like someone had cast a forget the artifact spell on everyone. "Let's all remember why we are here, to find artifacts for science! Love is not scientific! You can't find it with lasers from satellites, so why are we talking about it already!?!? LOVE HAS A MAX AWESOME SCORE OF 0.0!!!" Shouted Dr. Max Jaxon. It was one of the best speeches he had ever given. Marco was like, "Dang! That speech was better than KAMIKAZI SUPERBEER LITE!"
     Everyone sprung into action like a slinky springing down the stairway to heaven. Lucy landed on Millard Fillmore's head, right next to George Washington. Dr. Max Jaxon didn't want the powerful super engines to blow the web of lies into outer space. When they landed the hatch opened and they were all standing at the front of the hatch like action movie stars.
     Suddenly a secret hatch opened on top of Washington's head! Everyone turned at the same time to see a person rising from Washington's brain cavity like someone getting punched so hard that a little man popped out of the top of their head! But this wasn't a little man. It was Jazz McQueen's main squeeze and his right hand woman: Shelly Cadaver.
     Shelly was a babe. She had tons of guns and karate training. She also had tons of school training in technology and science and stuff so she was super smart. She was the whole package. Once in college Dr. Max Jaxon had dated Shelly. But then he became an artifact hunter and she became a secretary and obviously they had to go their separate ways. "DANG SHE IS SO FINE," commented Marcos.
     "Shut up dummy! We are running covert ops here," whistled Dr. Max Jaxon. He agreed but he couldn't let Marcos know they had dated once. That would just make him more jealous and then they would have to get in a bro fight and Dr. Max Jaxon did not have time for all of that! "We have to find out if Shelly has the Web of Lies!" Whispered Dr Max Jaxon.
     "Wait how did you know her name was Shelly?" Asked Marcos, "Did you two date once or something?"
     Oh great now the cat was out of the bag. And when the cat gets out of the bag, things get ugly. Unless those things were Shelly Cadaver.
     "Yeah we dated, you wanna have a bro fight about it or something?" Said Dr Max Jaxon bravely.
     "No, it's cool but do you think she would date me though?" Replied Marcos coolly.
     "Yeah probably," said Dr Max Jaxon, "she likes big guns and stuff."
     Marcoses eyes lit up like the glowing volcano blow hole of mount Kilamanjaro. Now he had something to fight for. Too bad the thing he was fighting for was also the thing he was fighting against. Like in Terminator 2 when the one terminator fought the other terminator to see which terminator could terminate the best which is probably why they called it Terminator 2. Because it takes 2 to tango, baby. And Marcos was ready to tango with Shelly.
     "Just don't let her distract you from the real prize which is the artifact," said Dr Max Jaxon wisely. "Remember, if she has it she can lie about anything and you will never be able to trust her."
     Ouch, Marcos hadn't thought about that. This could get tricky.
     "Marcos, I know you always like to shoot first and ask questions later, but if you do that then obviously you can't date Shelley because she will be dead so don't do that." Replied Dr Max Jaxon.
     Double whammy. "Let's do this then," rumbled Marcos using his best brave voice because he wasn't feeling too brave at the moment.
     "While you guys were talking about dating and stuff I have been using the artitracker-2000 to find where the artifact was located and it is in our proximity!" Shouted Jason. Finally, he did something good. Everyone was like, "good thoughts Jason!"
     Now that they knew the artifact was close they were all on the lookout for the artifact. Dr Max Jaxon pulled out the trackergun 3000 which was able to find artifacts but only if they were within 2 feet of the gun. "This trackergun 3000 can find artifacts, but only if you are within 2 feet so we are going to have to get close." Explained Dr Max Jaxon.
     "Then obviously I will have to seduce Shelly." Volunteered Marcos. "That's the only way we will know for sure." Dr Max Jaxon didn't like it but he knew it was true. Sometimes love is scientific he admitted, especially when you can use it to find an artifact. Just too bad it was Shelly and not somebody else that he didn't date in college.
     "I could seduce Shelly," said Jason but before Dr Max Jaxon could reply with a witty retort, Lucy was like, "OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT JASON!!" Dr Max Jaxon wisely stayed out of this lovers spat. He would rather get in the middle of two roaring dinosaurs with fire spewing from their scaly noses.
     "Ok we don't have much time," he said to diffuse the situation. "Marcos you will have to seduce Shelly because you are the only person on Mount Rushmore that can do it."
     Marcoses chest swelled as he thought about his new responsibility with pride. Everyone hid behind Millard Fillmore's ear while Marcos strutted towards George Washington and his future wife...or so he hoped!
     "I saw you popped out of George Washington's head just now!" He yelled, "he is not the only head you've been running through all day!"
     BOOM BEST PUCKUP LINE EVER!! Shelly turned around, surprised. Her eyes widened like the eyes of someone who just won the jackpot and his name was Marcos Masterson.
     "Dang he is cool with the ladies," thought Dr Max Jaxon but he would never tell Marcos because he didn't want him to get a big head like his previous sidekick, Danny Sperko, who got killed in a volcano blow hole.
     Shelly just looked at Marcos obviously unable to speak because of that sweet pickup line. "Hey I am the Mount Rushmore janitor and I'm cleaning up things like spiderwebs and cobwebs, I don't guess you've seen anything like that around here?" Said Marcos using the perfect cover story.
     "All I see around here is you," said Shelly Cadaver in a voice sweeter than cotton candy and twice as sticky.
     "Oh, did I mention I'm also the security guard?" Said Marcos, pulling out his gigantic custom bazooka gun.
     "DANG WHAT A BAZOOKA!" Shouted Shelly and Marcos knew he had her then.
     "Let me just come over there, about two feet away and I will show you," he replied smartly. His seduction power must have been set to legendary because she was like, "Oh yeah, I want to shoot that thing off of GW's head!"
     GW is what all the archeologists called George Washington when they got together to discuss presidents of the past.
     Marcos went to Shelly and they had a conversation for lover's ears only. They spoke of things that only two people that are deeply in love talk about. Their conversation was like if Romeo and Juliet didn't die at the end, but got married and lived with each other for 50 years then had a conversation. Or like that movie The Notebook.
     Then everyone heard a "beep". "Wait, I know that sound!" Said Shelly perceptively. "That's the trackergun 3000!"
     The gig was up. And Marcos was never good at playing with the band anyway.
     "I don't know about a trackergun 3000 because I am just a janitor and a security guard, not an archeologist," said Marcos as he hid the trackergun 3000 back in his pants.
     "You have ruined this relationship for the last time, Marcos!" Yelled Shelly. "I thought we really had something but obviously you only care about artifacts, not true love!"
     "Simmer down Shelly!" Yelled Dr Max Jaxon as he appeared from behind a tree. "We all know you were only lying to Marcos about all of that lovey dovey crap because you have the Web of Lies!"
     Marcos was like, "No! It can't be true!" But he knew that it was because he saw it on the trackergun 3000 before he put it in his pants. Shelly didn't really love him. He was just getting played like a YouTube video on repeat.
     "I knew you would have something to do with this Max! You never cared about love because it's not an artifact, or is it!? You will never know, will you," said Shelly as she stepped towards the side of the head of George Washington. She looked at Marcos and he thought that maybe their love wasn't a sham after all.
     Suddenly Dr Max Jaxon dove for Shelly and wrapped his arms around her waist but she head butted him in the face! He fell on the ground and she stumbled backwards. Marcos reached out to help her but their fingers slipped through each other's fingers. She fell off the side of the head of George Washington. Everything was completely silent. Not even Jason had something to say which was very rare because he was always saying stupid stuff.
     It was completely silent and Marcos looked at Dr Max Jaxon with the burning anger of intense hatred. Then, suddenly everyone heard the sound of helicopter blades right next to them! Shelly was sitting on the ledge of a helicopter! Jazz McQueen was driving it, flying high into the air!
     "Farewell until next time!" Smirked Shelly Cadaver, but she gave Marcos a look that was like, "I hope next time is soon because I want some of that action!"
     "WOOAHHH!" Bemoaned Jason. Everyone agreed. This is not how they thought things were going to end. Little did they know that Dr Max Jaxon still had a few tricks up his sleeve! And by a few tricks, I mean the Web of Lies! He pulled it out and waved it in the air as Shelly's face turned from happy to sad. Then they were gone.
     "Wait how did you get that??" Asked Marcos who wasn't mad anymore because he had seen they way Shelly looked at him and he knew there was something there, a romance for the ages.
     "I grabbed it out of her pocket when I dived at her and I replaced it with a spider web I found on a tree! She never even knew!" Obviously it was a genius plan that only Dr Max Jaxon had known. He couldn't have told anyone else because he still didn't know who was giving away his secrets to Jazz McQueen.
     "That is genius but I wish you had let me know," said Jason jealously. Marcos said the same thing at the same time and then they both said "jinx!" At the same time and they had to buy each other cokes. But that didn't help them feel better. They both wanted to get inside Dr Max Jaxon's head. He was a mystery to them. He put up walls to keep people out. Like a giant wall between two countries, if such a thing ever existed. Or like when someone builds a fence around their backyard so they can have a dog.
     "Stop trying to get in my head, guys," said Dr Max Jaxon sagely. "There's only room for one up there, and that's me, Dr Max Jaxon only." That put them in their places.
     "Maybe you are telling the truth," said Jason, "but we will never know as long as you have the Web of Lies!" Everyone was like, "AWWW SNAP!"
     The Web of Lies was really starting to tear the team apart. Dr Max Jaxon knew what he had to do. He pulled out the Web of Lies and put it on a bonfire that was raging nearby!
     Jason blurted, "No! How could you do that to a 9.9 MAX AWESOME artifact?!?" Said Jason.
     "I had to do it for the team, Jason!" Yelled Dr Max Jaxon. "It was the only way to keep us together!"
     Marcos was like, "Well you could have just put it in a safe or something instead!"
     But then Dr Max Jaxon was like, "Marcos, you dummy, what if it fell out of the safe?? How could we be sure it was in there?? Some things are just too powerful to keep lying around in safes! Would you put your bazooka guns in a safe??"
     "No," admitted Marcos lamely. All his bazooka guns were under his bed. You could never be too safe.
     They all walked to Lucy the super plane as Dr Max Jaxon reached into his pocket to caress the real Web of Lies! Because of course he would not burn it! He was a scientist! And he knew that the safest safe was the safe of secrets.
     "Do you think I'll ever see Shelly again?" Asked Marcos, as a lone tear streaked down his chiseled jaw.
     "I don't know, probably yes because love always triumphs." Lied Dr Max Jaxon as he stared into the sunset. It was the color of a thousand orange crayons. But kind of red and purple too. Like if someone punched a grapefruit and it got a bad bruise. It was totally sweet.
     Dr Max Jaxon laid back in his chair, put Lucy on autopilot, and dreamed of facing off against Jazz McQueen. But this time he had a secret weapon. THE WEB OF LIES!

The End