Out of the Friendzone

Chapter 43

EMMA

I'm not quite sure how long I've been sitting with my mom's headstone. I come here sometimes, just to vent or tell her about my day. I tell her about school and dad, anything really. I had actually been meaning to come here for weeks to tell her about how I broke a promise. I wanted to tell my mom that I fell in love with Killian Jones and that he was the one. He was the one who looked at me like I was his world, who made me feel safe, who would make me laugh until my sides ached, the one who really loved me back.

I'm not here for that today. I'm not really even here about Killian; he is another issue altogether. I'm sure he's going to come up though.

Today I have questions for my mom that she will never be able to answer. It's silly to think that I'm having trouble speaking to her today, that I don't know where to start. I'm still replaying my entire childhood in my head, trying to make sense of what I learned yesterday.

I sit crossed legged in front of the stone that has pink roses in front of it. There are always pink roses when I come here. I'm sure it's dad that comes to speak to her too. I wonder what they talk about during his visits. Has he been here lately? Did he tell her about Killian before I could?

I run my fingers over the letters of her name and frown. "Hey, mom."

Two words, that is all it takes for me to begin sniffling. I cried all night; how could I possibly have more tears left in me?

"We have to talk." I rub my sleeves to my eyes to collect the moisture. I give a small huff as I attempt to stop crying but I think this is going to be a tear-filled visit.

"You lied to us. All those times you said you were working... were you?Was your time with Brennan that much more important than your time with us? I keep thinking about all the times you weren't there. It took me this long to notice that there were so many of those days. Every single Monday, you worked from home and yet you shoved me outside to play on the beach. Did Brennan work from home on Mondays too? Is that why..." I pick at the grass in front of her tombstone and begin forming a pile of it without realizing it. Tears have begun running down my neck. "...is that why you left me outside in a hurricane? You weren't even in the house. You were at their house."

If you put your child outside to play, and knew that a hurricane was hitting the beach, wouldn't you check on them? Wouldn't you be running to the door trying to make sure your daughter wasn't being carried by the wind down the beach. If Killian hadn't answered the door, who knows that would have happened to me that day. Everything was falling into place, and it was a place I didn't want to be.

"So, I guess I'm just here to say... that I'm disappointed in you. That you really let me down yesterday." My chest rises and falls quickly with small sniffles that are bridging on a full-blown ugly cry right here in the middle of a cemetery. "It's not even for the reason you may think. I'm disappointed that you didn't follow your heart. Eleven years is a long time to be with someone who isn't your spouse and for eleven years you led dad on. He was crazy about you. He still is." I frown at his flowers. I once loved seeing her face whenever he brought those flowers home for her. Were those smiles all a lie?

"But even more than that... I'm disappointed that you wouldn't let me follow my own. You warned me. You told me not to love Killian Jones. You made me promise. Part of me gets now why you had me make that promise. Especially now, knowing that Killian and I would share a sibling. It's not fair though. Because you may have fallen in love with his dad when we got the beach house. But I fell in love with the friendly boy on the beach who built me a sandcastle at the same time."

I bury my face into my hands and cry so hard it hurts my chest. She knew Brennan for years before that. They went to school together and were already business partners.