The Mbovu Dynasty

Part 37

[Sindisiwe]

My marriage is falling apart all because of SEX, I blame my self for this shit, I married a man who loves sex I had realized this in the early days when we were still young and dating, he made love to me every night, but he still seemed excited to do it again...and again and again.

Somehow I felt that he was holding back something, but I didn’t know what, his true colors were only revealed when we both went to varsity and he went to the UK to study he made me buy toys, and made me play with my self while he watched on skype it was fun, we were young little did I realize that how porn became the threesome in our relationship.

You know, a lot of people think that introducing porn into their sex life is something that will “spice it up.”  Yet that is not the case,

There were these expectations that I felt I had to live up to. Having sex with him was a show. I felt like I had to perform exactly like the women he watched. The true intimacy that was expected was nowhere to be found which made it difficult to engage.

When we got married it became worse he owned my body, I love him so I allowed him, he realized that I was willing to satisfy his demands, his passion seemed to grow even stronger. From once a night, we started having sex thrice a day. Every morning I used to wake up to his demanding body and before I could even open my eyes, my husband would be all over me. Initially, I used to look forward to the evenings because those were the most passionate hours. But the night never ended without another session in the bed.
After I gave birth to Minenhle I used to be chronically tired and sleep-deprived, I couldn’t be vulnerable with him. I couldn’t really “feel” during that act. I no longer enjoyed sex, I no longer wanted him to touch me and I did not want to touch him. Over time, I related having sex with my husband to something negative. That was bad.

" It must be the pregnancy," I said brushing him off, the hormones played their part as well as my attitude towards him, not realizing that this will escalate to being the real thing. And now causing a wedge between my marriage.

I'm not a good wife I know, even far from being perfect but I try my level best, all I want to do is to turn my house into a home and to be there for my husband. I don't ever want him to think that he's not getting everything at home - love, attention, encouragement, a meal. I just want him to feel the best he feels at home. I think that's what a good wife is. Someone who is very attentive to her husband's needs, but the marriage never comes with a manual.

I'm a young wife with two kids, one on the way and a demanding career, I'm tired, and I wish Menzi did not give me such responsibilities of being his wife, I don't only have to think about him but my kids too now, I keep searching but I can't find Sindy
The woman that I saw in the mirror this morning is not the woman I want to be both physically and mentally. Where did this person come from that doesn’t like anything about the way she looks, feels, or acts?

I walked inside the house with sleeping Minenhle in my arms and sleepy Jesmin dragging her feet,
I'm tired and irritated mostly stressed out, 
I placed my kids in the first bedroom I opened downstairs,
I move to the kitchen dragging my heavy body and I started preparing supper,
I wiped my alone tear that ran down my face, as I feel the strain of being a wife kicks in.

In my past, I have dreamt about this beautiful family we now have, but I am realizing I never quite thought about what I would identify within this phase...what would make me, 'me'
Is it the way I make dinner? Change diapers?  Or maybe it's the running list of things I purchase and do each week to keep everyone in the house fed and clean..queue the diapers, wipes, dish soap, laundry, drop-offs and pickups, the food… all the things that go with the food, the planning, the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, packing of lunches, cleaning everything.

Is this me? Is this what makes me who I am now?
And yet I'm forced to open my legs and to my husband allow him to penetrate me...moan, growl and cum, roll over me and sleep, while I wake up, wipe myself, check the kids, and wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

" hi"
He said walking in the kitchen
Me: hi"
Him: babe..."
Me: I don't want to talk about it Menzi"
Him: Sindi I can't walk on eggshells with you ...we need to talk about this"
Her: I said No Menzi I said I don't want to do it ...but..."
I felt tears clouding my eyes
Him: Sindi I was drunk horny and ...look I shouldn't have "
Me: I'm tired Menzi ...of us ...this ...I'm tired of trying to please you "
Him: you tired of what? ...please me how? It's been five if not six months with no sex in this marriage and yet you tired!!!"
I turned around and looked at him,

Me: I feel like this married is based on sex...I need to give you sex for us to be ok...are we really going to fight about this now !!"
Him: Give ... ? we Sindi ungazongidakelwa wena!!"
Me: don't talk to me like that!!"
I said popping my eyes, but I quickly looked away when I notice a side of him I have never seen, he is angry as in turning red angry, I swallowed...
.
.
To be continued