cigarette burns

First night back

Asterin wasn't sure she'd go back to Hogwarts until she was stood in front of the entrance in her robes alongside every other war-scarred student. Staring at the castle, it seemed, momentarily, as though nothing had changed, though of course, the halls still in repair were a reminder of how much different this year was going to be. How much different everything was going to be.
Slowly, she made her way through to the Great hall, where the door stood as tall and intimidating as when she was a first-year, and she tried her hardest to dispel the memories of white sheets lining the floor from her mind. She knew the younger years would be watching, wanting reassurance that everything was going to be ok this year, that things were going to replicate normality - or what could pass for normal, after having had nearly every school year disrupted by Voldemort - so she managed to dig out the courage she once had, holding her head high, walking through the Great Hall alongside the other too-cautious Slytherins who knew the same as her that the younger years would be watching.

The group of them, all sixth seventh and eighth years (though there being very few of the latter) couldn't ignore the stares, smiles, small signs of respect from the younger kids, the way they inclined their heads in their direction as they walked by, and it was a strange feeling to have that kind of relationship with people from every house.

It was difficult to tell who was paying attention during McGonagall's speech, especially from the Slytherin table, before the Sorting Ceremony commenced, with so many looking completely withdrawn, sunken in on themselves, but there were just as many who were bright-faced, ready to take on the school year, who didn't seem at all affected by anything. Asterin envied them, though she knew on the exterior, nothing much had changed with her either; she was always a little quieter than everyone else around her, a little too buried under books and assignments, so it was plausible that they thought she was the same as them, outwardly unaffected, seemingly ok with everything.
It was impossible for her to not notice the missing faces, the seats left empty for friends who never returned, how one end of the table was completely untouched by anyone from Hufflepuff in respect for those lost, either to the war or their inability to come back and face it all. The aftereffects of the war were everywhere, staring everyone in the face, and yet McGonagall was doing her best to make everyone feel safe in the walls again.

Asterin wondered how long it would take her to feel safe anywhere, ever again, but she'd rather not think about that.

The tiny first years all stood around the front, eyes wide with awe and curiosity, looking around at everyone trying to put on brave faces for them. Of course, they had to have known the basics of it, there was no way anyone under the age of eight didn't know about the war of Hogwarts, even if they were told more of a kid-friendly version of events.
She paid attention enough to applaud when each student was sorted, whether they were Slytherin or not, though she wasn't as invested as previous years. She wasn't sure the majority were.

The feast began, first years marvelling at how the food just appeared on the table in front of them, and how much there was, eating so much they'd probably regret it later. Asterin could hardly manage a single bite, though she made sure she ate something. With no one left to care for her, she had to do it herself, and she wasn't giving anyone the satisfaction of knowing how much damage they'd done to her. Least of all her parents.

She didn't envy the Prefects this year, not that she had much the previous years, but this year even more. And as for Head boy and Head girl... well. Hermione and Neville could definitely handle it, with everything they'd demonstrated in only the previous May, and for Neville even before that, hiding the younger years away in the room of requirement when they were being prosecuted for either their blood status or family ties if they had gone against Voldemort.

They made their way to the dungeons, back to the common room where the majority of the older students had stood guard over the innocent kids caught in the middle of the war raging on above them.

"Hey, uh... Rin?" One of the second years spoke up, looking a little uneasy.

Asterin looked down at him, noticing there were a few others around still, all looking a little anxious. "What's going on?" She spoke softly, not knowing how many of them - if any - had suffered from audio triggers since.

"Are you sure it's safe?" Someone else from the small group spoke up.

She smiled a little. "I'm sure. We wouldn't bring you anywhere near if it wasn't safe for you guys." She nodded, watching them relax a little, climbing through the portal in the wall.

There was a general sense of unease amongst the older years as they walked back through, with some even having to take a few minutes before being able to face it again, and as Asterin stood outside the common room, the Prefect stood waiting patiently for them all to file through, she knew she couldn't step over that threshold, not yet. She turned, walking back through the halls as she heard them calling out to her, asking if she was ok.
Asterin didn't even know the answer herself.

She didn't know where she was going until she was stood under a tree on the grounds, the dark welcoming her like an old friend, and she remembered all the times she's snuck out after hours with her friends and they'd just enjoyed the freedom. Now, it was just her, and the feeling of freedom was different, but it was still freedom.

Pulling her robes off, Asterin hung them over a low-hanging branch, staring out over the grounds towards the quidditch pitch. She turned back to the castle, where there were still lights on in both the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor tower. Seemed she wasn't the only one unable to sleep that night. Shivering a little, Asterin cast a simple charm to protect herself against the bitter night air, pulling her shirt sleeves down to try and do something against the cold. Turning back to the tree that was giving her some shelter, she noticed a figure walking out across the grounds, periodically listing their hand to their mouth. She grimaced as she noticed the smoke swirling around them, though she wasn't surprised; smoking was a coping mechanism as old as time itself. Asterin was surprised more people hadn't taken it up, though they had only been there for a single night and she hadn't interacted with anyone on the train ride, so it was highly probable that more people had indeed turned to it for comfort and release.

Watching them for a while, she kept herself confined to the shadows, as they strolled around the grounds, before finishing the cigarette, turning and heading back to the castle. Asterin held her breath as she thought they looked towards her, shrinking back into the shadows.
Hours passed of her sitting against the tree, just staring over the grounds, trying to calm her mind and memories. She knew she had to go and sleep, considering she hadn't been able to for the past few days, and she really didn't feel like falling asleep outside in the cold and damp autumn weather.
Standing and brushing the dirt off her skirt, she grabbed her robes and made her way back into the castle, not caring too much about getting caught out after hours anymore. It seemed really insignificant after the summer, not really worth worrying about. Asterin wondered briefly if that would be her attitude to most things from then on, but dismissed it pretty quickly; her studies had always been important to her, so she could get away from her parents. Now she was away from them anyway, they hadn't lost importance, but she had shifted her perspective; she was no longer relying solely on her grades to land her a good future career, now she could go into anything without fear of relying on her Death Eater parents. She had free rein.

She barely whispered the password to the common room, climbing through the portal and into the familiar common room that had felt more like home than anywhere else. Now, she wasn't sure how it felt.
Her dorm was shrouded in darkness, with the other girls already asleep, so she tried to be as quiet as possible getting changed for bed and brushing her teeth in the bathroom, ready to face her new enemy.