King of Her Desire

25

Before we went to sleep that night, Elliott brought me this beautiful silver necklace. It was an antique, all covered with vines and things. And there was a picture of this pretty little baby inside of it. Really little baby, like...only hours old.

"That's my Dawn," she said. "I named her that...well, it's obvious, probably..."

"Wait a minute—you have a daughter?"

She said, "She died," in this strange, hollow voice. Like her spirit died when she said it.

So I kissed her and said, "I'm sorry."

She ran a finger around the edge of the picture and said, "She weighed five pounds and she lived five hours. Used up the little bit of energy she had and went back where she'd come from."

"She was so pretty, though. What..."

She closed the locket and set it on the night table. And then laid herself down on my chest and said, "Some Native people say that babies can tell if they're wanted or not. And I believe that now."

"Aw, don't—"

"No, listen, I denied her existence for months. Because my music was just taking off, because Sean wouldn't want it...so many reasons. All of them maddeningly selfish. And by the time I couldn't deny her anymore, it was too late to stop her coming. Legally. So I refused to feel anything for her. I hid in this little house on the beach and just...I wouldn't see anyone. Didn't see a doctor until she was only a few weeks away. So there was no way of knowing what was going on."

"What was going on on?"

"She had all these...her heart and her lungs weren't developing normally. And there was a problem with the placenta that could've killed us both in an instant. It was attached to a fibroid that was syphoning off a lot of the blood flow and all that. She starved to death in there. And then the placenta broke away from it about three weeks before she was due and...blood just gushed—it was terrifying. I don't know to this day how I'm still here."

She stopped and just sat there looking all haunted in the eyes.

So I said, "Okay, don't do that."

But she sighed and said, "They let me hold her. That was all I could do. All they could do. And I wondered how she could be so perfect. And then later I realized God had made her perfect because I'd tried so hard not to make her at all."

"God...doesn't do shit like that. I mean, I get really mad him whatever He is or She is sometimes, but in the end I think we're the ones who fuck things up. And God just sort of sits there shaking His head and almost wishing He'd never made us."

She smiled this sad little smile and said, "Well, I fucked her up for sure. And I see her in my dreams sometimes. This perfect little angel looking at me—she was so peaceful. Just...stopped breathing..."

"Elliott..."

"I didn't want to lose him so I lost her. And then I lost him anyway."

"Yeah, well...from what I've heard so far, that was probably one of those worst best things. Him leaving."

"The one thing that makes this bearable...I keep thinking that maybe I'll see her soon..."

I gathered her up in my arms and said, "I hope you do. But right now I want you to come on and lay down with me here. Put that away first, though. So you're not staring at it all night."