With You

Seven

CLAIRE:

The second my alarm began ringing I reached for my phone to turn it off. Today was finally D-day. The day I was dreading all summer. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I kept tossing around, trying to make myself comfortable, but my mind was working in overdrive. All night invasive thoughts just continued in a loop, refusing to leave me alone, and the negative thoughts were just eating me out. Ultimately my anxious thoughts culminated in an anxiety attack. It took me some time to pull myself together and realizing that the anxiety was not becoming less intense I ended up relying on my anxiety medication to get me through the night.

I laid in bed for the rest of the night just thinking about the events of the past 2 days instead of focusing on the events that might happen tomorrow. Or might not, I tried to remind myself. As Dr. C said, I cannot predict how things will work out.

I had an extra long session with Dr. C on Tuesday, just mentally preparing myself for the big day. We talked about what to expect on my first day and what type of things might trigger my discomfort. We spent the majority of the session just revisiting some techniques on how to calm myself down and she reminded me to pay extra attention to how my body reacts. We finished the session by talking about what it meant for me to go back to school and what I wanted to accomplish on that day. Dr. C specifically avoided talking about the importance of it knowing well enough I was already putting a lot of pressure on myself. "Focus on the little victories Claire", she said at the end of the session, leaving me in deep thought.

I spent the rest of Tuesday and Wednesday doing absolutely nothing. I stayed at home, not wanting to do anything or see anyone outside my house. Elly tried to take my mind off things but I just couldn't let go of my worries. By Wednesday morning I was so tensed I almost had another panic attack. The atmosphere at home was tense as well and I felt bad for making my family act cautiously around me but I couldn't help it. I even went to bed extra early last night just to give them some space to breathe but sleep simply wouldn't come to me.

Tossing my blanket away, I got up, and headed for a shower. I took an extra hot one, hoping the heat would make my muscles more relaxed. I scrubbed my body extra hard, hoping to scrub some of  anxiety and some of my negative thoughts away. Of course, it was useless. Putting my fluffy bath robe on, I made my way into the kitchen. Vilma was already busy making breakfast. I slightly smiled, enjoying the routine. On autopilot I began making myself some coffee.

"I stopped by your room to wake you up and didn't see you in there", Elly said making his way to the breakfast bar.

Silently, I sat down. "How did you sleep?", Elly continued, assessing my physical state.

I just shrugged my shoulder saying nothing.

I gulped the rest of my coffee down. As Vilma placed Elly's hot breakfast down, the greasy smell overwhelmed me and suddenly I felt nauseous. "Would you like something to eat?", Vilma asked me cautiously. Thinking about food made me feel a lot worse. I got up, running to the closest bathroom, feeling bile coming up. I threw up my coffee and water since I barely had any food yesterday as well. I rinsed my mouth and made my way into my bedroom.  Walking into my own bathroom, I brushed my teeth and immediately tossed the toothbrush into the garbage bin.

"You okay?", Elly said entering my room after quietly knocking.

"No", I shakily replied.

"Come downstairs. Vilma took out some medicine and she brewed you some herbal tea. It should make you feel better", Elly said waiting for me to follow him.

Elly patiently watched me take the bitter medicine and sip on the hot tea. "It's going to be okay", he began. "Just remember that I will stay with you the whole day. Nothing will happen to you. I promise", he said with such confidence I really wanted to believe him. "Is the medicine working?", he worriedly continued.