With You

Ten

CLAIRE:

"How do you feel?", Dr. C started with her usual question the second I got settled in my seat.

"Tired", I began. "Actually completely drained", I continued sipping on my iced Americano. Don't get me wrong, I live and breathe coffee but I'm just not a black coffee type of person. On the rare occasions I did settle for it, was when I was feeling way over my head.

"Have you been sleeping well? Any changes in your sleep patterns?", she carefully inquired.

"I've been sleeping nonstop", I complained, gulping down the iced drink, looking for some immediate energy boost. "Ever since school started I can't keep up, both physically and emotionally. I'm just so tired all the time."

"That's expected. Your routine completely changed. It's hard to go from being dormant for so long, into having a full schedule you need to follow. Just listen to your body. It will get used to the change", Dr. C explained.

"I don't like it. It's making me so lethargic", I continued wallowing in self-pity. "The entire week flew by and I couldn't comprehend a second of what had happened. By the time I tried to pause and reflect, another day had gone by. The whole week people were hovering over me consistently checking up on me. Truthfully, I felt frustrated at times and I hate myself for getting upset. I should feel grateful for having such a great support system. I'm so lucky. Everyone was trying so hard to make things work for me and I honestly couldn't have done it on my own, but with constantly being watched, it was so hard to keep myself together and at times I felt suffocated. How am I supposed to answer how I'm doing when I didn't have the time to actually sit and process how was I feeling", I let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm horrible aren't I?", I said defeatedly. Of course I am. I felt like a spoiled child complaining over a nonexistent issue.

"You're not horrible. You're just going through a big change and you're trying to adjust to it to the best of your abilities. Being constantly surrounded by people and having a reason to leave your house every day are huge changes you need to adjust to. And with the extra attention you have been getting at home, I'm sure it wasn't easy", Dr. C reasoned.

"What else have you been doing this week?", she continued.

"Absolutely nothing. It's like my body cannot keep up with anything. By the time I get home I'm completely drained. I either sleep or don't do anything at all. It's already the end of the week but mentally I'm still on Tuesday."

"Since you're not following your usual schedule and you're not doing the things you normally do, in what ways did it impact you? How does this lack of energy make you feel?", Dr. C continued.

"It's as if I'm missing a big part of me. It's almost as if the core of who I am has been ignored and neglected, which made me feel like I haven't been feeling myself lately. The entire situation has been making me frustrated." Wow, I was completely shocked by the sudden realization.

"I thought that going to school would be my main stressor but because I haven't done the things I usually enjoy, the stress I felt due to the lack of my usual activities added to the level of stress I was already feeling. You know the things I enjoy doing. They have always been my stress relievers but now they just bring me additional things to stress about and I'm worried I'll begin resenting things I enjoy so much. I just feel like I have so many things I'm suppose to do but because I can't keep up I feel like I'm chasing something that is out of my reach. What if I'll never be able to keep up with everything? Do I have to chose to give something up? I don't think I'll ever be ready for that." The more I kept talking the more I felt myself spiraling down.

"Okay Claire deep breathes. Come on, breathe with me", she instructed. "Better?", she said after a while.

Nodding my head she continued. "Remember to trust the process, okay? Let's take it a few days at a time. Don't preoccupy your mind with future events. We talked about that. You control how you approach a situation, not the circumstances you're in. You just started going back to school. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing so great. Your body will adjust, okay? And your mind will follow. How about we talk about structure. I know how you like your routines. Let's start slow. By the end of next week I want you to pick 2 things you usually do. Just 2, no more no less, Claire. One activity that you enjoy doing on your own and the other one you need one of your instructors for, okay? Maybe think about starting it slow, from the comfort of your home. Spending so much time outside of your home, has clearly strained your body. We will start working on your endurance. So for now, can you do those 2 things for me Claire?"