Between Coffee And Cigarettes

-29-

The silence settled over them like an elastic band, which could stretch for eternity and would never snap. It was so quiet that it hurt both their ears when the only audible sound was their breaths and beating hearts. Lenny looked at Remus, forcing herself to seem relaxed but every muscle, every layer of her skin was so tensed up that it was hard for her not to distort her face in dismay. He didn't even try to hide how cornered he felt.

He wasn't angry, she noticed. His jaw wasn't clenched and his lips weren't pulled into a thin line. But he was nervous, uncomfortable. She saw it by the way he fiddled out a cigarette and struggled to light it up. When the lighter finally spit out a flame, he sucked the smoke so aggressively that his cheeks hollowed.

Both stood face to face with the other, never breaking eye contact. Lenny stubbed out the cigarette she still held in between her fingers, but which has gone out a long time ago. She began picking the skin on her nails as she couldn't keep still and didn't know any other way to busy them. His gaze burned her skin.

"Not as much as I should be, I think", Remus finally answered and suddenly the elastic band snapped. Her lungs felt relief as if a bag of stones were removed from them and breathing was easier now. "Don't get me wrong", he continued after a slight pause and the bag in Lenny's lungs was filling again, "Florence is very pretty, obviously, and not particularly stupid and extremely nice... but she doesn't excite me or surprise me with answers I don't expect. Do you get what I'm saying?"

She was perplexed. No, honestly she didn't get what he was saying, because her head spun since he bore his gaze into her, harder than ever before as if he wanted to drill the words, he spoke, inside her. But in her disenchantment, she nodded as if she were in trance. He took a step forward, but quickly stopped, looking like he wasn't sure if he could approach her right now, so he turned away, gripping the railing so hard that his knuckles stuck out and turned pale.

She joined him, hands dangling over the railing into the depths of the tower. For a moment, the only sound that was heard was the dragging of his' cigarette. "Then why are you two together?", Lenny asked softly even though her voice was about to break. The lump in her throat wouldn't go away and, although she gained the most of her conscious back, everything still felt like a big honey pot. Every movement seemed slow and tiresome as if they would work through a thick, sticky mass.

Remus looked at her, his eyebrows narrowed together and the cigarette between those lips. His look screamed pure confusion. "Together?", he asked, while he blew the smoke into the air, "We're not together... At least not as far as I'm aware of", he shrugged it off as if it was nothing, but Lenny couldn't leave it like that, not this question.

"Then why are you seeing each other?", she asked more harshly, "Or better question, why are you 'hanging out' with her if you don't even find her interesting?!", she made quotes with her fingers in the air. His features softened and he suddenly seemed vulnerable. The confusion. Gone. The hard look. Gone. It was almost as if she pushed a button that he had hid deep down.

As soon as Lenny had spit out the words, she regretted them instantly and pulled back a bit. "Sorry", she mumbled, "It's none of my business", the last part she said more to herself than to Remus. It was not her place to question him or his decisions. She shouldn't be allowed to do that. She stared at her feet, too embarrassed to look at him right now. The four walls of her dorm now seemed very comforting and she wanted nothing more to be there right now, but her legs didn't move. Her feet were glued to the ground.

Although Lenny couldn't see his face as she didn't dare to look up, she heard that he breathed deeply, as if he was bracing himself for something. "When I was younger", Remus began, "I had a treehouse", he sounded as if he was swelling in good, old memories, "I don't remember much, I was maybe three or four years old, but I know that nobody was ever allowed to come in. Not Mum, not Dad, not anybody else. And I was okay with being alone and to be honest... I never really was completely alone", he chuckled slightly and let his chin fall onto his chest, "I always had my crew as my company, when I was a pirate or fought against dragons when I was a knight. And then...", he trailed off, taking a moment to continue, "...and then I was bit and suddenly I was alone...but not by choice. That's what it felt like at least".

She allowed herself to carefully lift her gaze, only to see that his' was already on her. He had his mouth corners pulled back and she couldn't really decipher if he regretted telling her this or not. Remus came closer and gently brushed a strand of hair out of her face. Every time, when he was this close to her, she had to let her head fall far back into her neck only so that she could look him in the eyes. But whenever his breath struck her face or hair, something inside of her immediately begged for more.

"I guess I just don't want to feel alone anymore", he said and when he saw that she was about to say something, he quickly lowered his head to shut her up with his look. "I know that I am technically not alone...", his eyes flickered between her's, "...and I'm grateful that I have Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail, but...", he shrugged his shoulders.

Lenny bit the inside of her cheek, while she let the words from Remus sink in. "So you're with Florence because she is giving you enough attention to not feel so alone anymore?", she tried to reason it. He nodded slowly with a hint of shame and even though she didn't share much sympathy for Florence, she pulled her mouth into a frown. "You're using her... That's mean" it was hardly more than a whisper, but because of their narrow distance, he understood her perfectly. "I know".

She wanted to ask him if he kept her also just around because he felt the need for company, but she held back. Mostly because Lenny was too afraid to know the truth. But still, she couldn't stop wondering and while she ruffled through her hair and avoided Remus' gaze, she gathered up all the composure that she had and built a wall in mere seconds around her, ready to let it be destroyed in the course of protecting herself.

Fiercely and strongly she lifted her head and looked him straight in the eyes. "Are you using me too?", her voice was cold and sharp like ice, but she couldn't allow herself right now to appear weak, it would destroy her. He didn't answer her and even after a long pause, he still didn't say anything.

Her breathing got heavier in this pause and anger rose inside of her, her chest heaved up and down. Everything inside her grew hot. Her cheeks, her neck, her chest. And with him standing close to her, it got almost burning, so she stepped back a bit. "Do you even like me or was it all just pretend?", Lenny pushed and her voice seemed exhausted. Again, he remained silent. But now, his jaw tensed and he licked several times over his lips, before pulling them into a thin line.

He was angry. And she was confused why. He wasn't the one who had been offended in any way, he wasn't the one who had to guess all the time.

Remus didn't even try to say something, his face moved not the slightest bit. He looked like a statue.

Lenny huffed out of frustration. Once more she ruffled through her hair. "So many questions and so few answers from you", she stated with finality and turned away, ready to go back to her dorm, but after three steps or so, Remus caught her wrist. He didn't pull her back, but he opened her fisted palm to lay his pack of cigarettes in it.

She wanted to refuse, but he closed her fingers around the package. "Take these", he grumbled while he avoided her gaze, and as soon as she tucked her arm a bit, he let go. And while she went towards the stairs, she reckoned to have heard a quiet 'I'm sorry', but that she couldn't be sure of.

She didn't stop or let herself think about what just happened on her way back to the Gryffindor tower. Pushing the anger and hurt deep inside, let her finally swallow the lump in her throat, and before she entered her dorm and faced her friends, she looked as if everything was just brilliant... as if nothing was and would ever be out of control.