Happening

Seven

"Selene was that person who would win the first prize, put on the golden charming medal around her neck before jumping down the bus and then show it to her mother with her eyes gleaming. That was until i killed her.

At this point I know my mind keeps fucking with me. Anyone who knows even a little about war tactics will know what I am talking about. "

And I flipped the page . Red , yellow , blue , green , different coloured pages on a diary with a broken lock . Pages filled with stuff that i once though of . I smirked. What a fool was I. Maybe I still am , maybe I'm that trippy painting where a joker keeps drawing jokers.  Different versions of myself. 

We both killed ourselves , that was true but we handed the knives to each other . She handed me a knife of loneliness and I handed one of regret .

Today I'm flipping through these pages . There is a blood pact folded neatly . A sketch of mine as a hunter of Lady Artemis , a envelope with my name on it . Babes.

Yesterday Selene and I were on her roof . She sat on the ledge with her feet dangling off . I stood behind her mostly beacuse I should be there if she decided to do something stupid and I should be there to catch her and also kind of beacuse i was scared of heights. 

She knows how sacred i am of heights. When I stand in the balconies of tall storyed apartments my heart starts to race and the air gets kicked out of my lungs. The first time she had seen the fear in my eyes was in middle school lunch break . The stage sits on the corner of the school ground where she , her friends were jumping off the stage . It was about 4 feet high . Not something a teenager can't jump off. I was petrified nevertheless. Probably beacuse I'm a pussy.

She cheered me up and i looked at her. That was the best time i could have impressed her with a nice jump, but you know I'm a pussy. I was on the edge and i didn't jump , i kinda feel bad about it now . She looked disappointed and her friends were laughing. I simply used the stairs to get down and hugged her. Jumping into my girlfriend's arms.

"Do you masturbate? "
I looked at her through the mop of hair and smirked. 
"Yea "  I replied
She smiled off at the diatance .
"Do you think" i continued "you'd masturbate to-"
She looked at me and glared , then she squinted and said
" maybe "
"Maybe? You know that's a tricky answer right?"

"Perhaps " she replied and giggled.

'That's even trickier babe ' i thought to myself.

Maybe I'm not even who i was again.  I remember what i used to be and what i am now. Very very different .

And perhaps she doesn't  even care who i am anymore . Maybe I'll print this book out some day and give to to her to break her heart or maybe she won't let her heart break again.

I really don't want to break her heart.