After spacing out about him, I wait for my mother to wobble back onto the couch, and I quietly walk upstairs, into my room.
Closing my door, I scream.
Loudly.
Thank the lords to whoever made the soundproof door.
Collapsing onto the floor, I let the tears fall. Too many tears, falling, falling too fast.
I walk over to the mirror, watching them drip, drip, drip.
Why?
Why did you have to go?
WHY WAS I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH WHEN I TRIED, WHEN I TRIED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY BUT YOU WERE NEVER SATISFIED?
Swinging my arms, I push everything off the tables, tearing the books and photo albums out of their shelves.
A large, battered, brown leather covered book falls out, plunking onto the floor with a chunky sound.
Squatting down and picking it up gingerly, a small Polaroid slipping into my thin fingers.
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It makes me break down even more.
Drops of tears stain the frail paper and lies still in my hands.
I let my head fall back, right against my bed, and the viridian silk sheets slide against my fingers, as they remind me, of the embrace I was held in before he left.
The black walls start to close in, trapping me in this endless void of emptiness.
Gold embroidery starts to shine, blinding me when I shake my head in denial, screaming and kicking like a child, denying that he is gone.
If only I could've made you stay...
I would be able to listen to you sing and see you dance.
I would be able to see you smile in delight whenever you saw me.
And best of all...
I would be married.
None of this "oh, go find a boyfriend" bullshit.
But if only you had stayed.
If only I had listened.
Ever since your brother's death you had lost everyone.
I don't blame you, baby.
I really don't.
But we could've talked it out.
You didn't need to hit me.
Scream at me.
Didn't have to make me feel like your love was a lie.
I wish I had convinced you to stay.
I wish I hadn't lashed out when I saw you with that blonde girl.
She's everything I'm insecure about.
I wish I had learned a little from her, so maybe you just could've stayed a little longer.
Please, stay, just stay.
The most you could've done was listen to what I had to say.
Did it kill you, Jirongie, to tell me where I could do better?
So you didn't have to leave me?
Alone and barren, in this harsh and unwelcoming world.
I loved you so much, you were my addiction, my star.
Guess not anymore.
Flipping through the pages of the photo album and pressing my fingers to photos of us, tears fall down my cheeks and stain my lips, leaving a salty sting.
01.18
We were pressing our foreheads together and interlocked our pinkies.
I remember that day, you promised me we would get married in the future and we would be happy forever.
02.17
My best friend's birthday, you got her a cake and we met up at the park, hand in hand.
02.26
Another birthday, but this time you throw a party in the karaoke place near you.
11.28
It was our anniversary, but I saw you kissing her outside of our favorite cafe.
Slamming the album shut, I throw it to the other side of my room.
Tears blur my line of view, and they sting at my cheeks.
