Of Sinners and Saints

-Part 6-

Walking back to the dorm I share with Kimber, I feel a strange sense of calm.

The first time I've felt it since...

I take a deep breath and turn my eyes to take in the sky. My nose picks up the faint smell of rain in the air and I sigh.

I close my eyes and savor the little ray of sunshine hitting my face. A single corner of my mouth turns up into a small smile.

All the sudden I feel a heavy weight on my chest, pushing me to the ground.

My eyes spring open in a panic as my butt hits the pavement.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, that's my bad." I hear and a hand lunges forward into my field of view.

My eyes follow the extended hand up to the connected face.

"Jocelyn?"

"Sorry Jessie, I wasn't watching where I was going." She says with a sheepish look.

"Oh, that's alright, neither was I," I say with a chuckle and grab onto her outstretched hand.

She helps me to my feet and her hand remains in my grasp for just a beat too long, making me pull my hand away with an uncomfortable laugh.

As she shifts her eyes from my face, she leans down to help gather our intermingling belongings, strewn about the floor.

Just then I notice a fairly petite girl tucked behind Jocelyn.

I guess in all the disarray I never noticed her.

Offering her a slight smile, I raise my hand just slightly.

Her eyebrows furrow in an expression I know all too well, for it's been written on my face a multitude of times. Mistrust combined with a tad of jealousy.

"Hello," she says, her voice all too formal.

"I'm Maya, Jocelyn's girlfriend." I notice the slight annunciation on the word 'girlfriend' and raise my eyebrows in realization.

I shift my eyes to Jocelyn and receive a smile in conformation.

Maya reaches out a hand to shake but I don't even notice. I just stare at her, dumbfounded.

"You're gay?" I bluntly say without thinking. Picking up on the way both of them look taken aback, I attempt to redeem myself.

"It's just that- I had no idea. I'm a little surprised. I'd never had placed either of you as..." I speak in fragmented sentences, trying to accurately portray my thoughts.

"As..." Maya speaks up with a raised eyebrow, obviously challenging me to say it.

"Well, it's just that..." I pause trying to gather my thoughts, "You don't look gay."

At that, Maya scoffs, her eyes burning. "Excuse me, how does a person look gay? Would you prefer it if I walked around with knee high rainbow socks, cut off almost all my hair and dyed the remaining bright green? Maybe you'd like it if I cut off half my eyebrows and threw pink glitter in everyone's face? Straight isn't the default."

I stand there, struggling to find something to say. Jocelyn and I seem stunned at her outburst but she's not done.

"I don't have to fit in a box just because close minded assholes like you can't handle the fact that everyone isn't a walking stereotype. How I look has zero impact on who I love. So get that through your head."

I walk back to my dorm in a daze, Maya's words swirling in my head.

Am I really that insensitive?

I've always considered myself an ally but maybe I'm just naive.

Straight isn't the default.

That phrase doesn't seem to want to leave my head. It continues nagging, demanding its presence known.

I had always considered people like them an anomaly, the 'other', the exception to the rule.

But, what if it's more normal than I think?

As I begin to approach my door, I shake my head in a desperate attempt to clear my thoughts. 

My hand touches the rough plastic of the round handle and I take a pause.

With an inhale, I open the door to see Kimber on the bed holding a piece of paper.

Her brows are furrowed in confusion and she doesn't seem to notice my entrance.

After hearing the door click in place, she jumps.

"Jessie, oh uh, hi."

Eyeballing the paper in her hand, I attempt to shake the eerie familiarity in the torn notebook paper.

Its weird to see Kimber so flustered. She's usually a picture of confidence.

"What's that?" I ask, gesturing down to what she's holding. 

"Uh its," She begins, but then trails off. 

I give a little chuckle, "Well?"

She clears her throat, "Did you have a dream about me or?"

All the sudden the confusion on my face melts into realization. 

I know where that paper is from. 

Heat beings to fill me cheeks and I fiddle with my hands. 

"You weren't supposed to see that..." Its barely audible but Kimber nods. 

My eyes study the floor as I try to think of something to say, but nothing comes to mind. 

Why did I even write it down? God, I'm such an idiot. 

"Jessie..." she sighs and I hear the bed shift as she stands up. Bracing myself, I squeeze my eyes closed and tense when I feel her hand on my shoulder. 

"Jessie, look at me." She says in a surprisingly soft voice. I open my eyes slightly but continue to study the floor under her feet. 

I feel a finger under my chin, prompting me to look up. 

My eyes connect with hers and I see nothing of what was expected. 

Instead of the mistrust and loathing I was dreading to see, I see caring and understanding. 

"Jessie, it's okay. I understand having dreams like that, I've had them too. You're just curious and so your mind is experimenting with things you don't understand. I'm one of the only women you hang around on a regular basis so it makes sense these desires would manifest themselves in ways related to me. It doesn't mean anything." 

I understand her words but I feel as though they don't apply to me. I see her as simply a placeholder in my dreams. 

It wasn't even a dream. At least, I don't think it was. I was pretty intoxicated so I can't be certain. 

Wait...

She's had those dreams too?