Of Sinners and Saints

-Part 9-

"What do you have to tell me?" I ask, confusion beginning to make its way onto my face. 

This time it's her eyes which travel to the floor, a rare sight for me, as she's usually the one whos so sure of herself. 

I notice a slight shaking in her fingers, she notices it too and tucks her hands behind her back. 

I know that tatic all to well. 

After almost a full minute of silence I take a deep breath in and break the silence.

"What's going on Kimber, you're scaring me."

She clears her throat and groans in exasperation. 

"I didn't think it would be this hard to tell you, God."

"Whatever it is, it'll be ok, don't worry. We'll figure it out together." I say with what I hope is a comforting smile. 

I don't like seeing her so anxious so I try to relieve tension by taking a step towards her and placing my hand on her shoulder. 

At that, her eyes begin to fill with tears only worrying me more. 

"Kimber..." I trail off, not knowing what to say but wanting her to know I'm here for her. 

She sniffles and pulls away, and says "Okay, so, here's the thing,"

Pausing to bring her sleeve up to wipe her eyes, and continuing. 

"I've just felt really out of place at the church lately. As if I don't really belong there, you know?" 

This is clearly a rhetorical question because she continues without much more than a pause. 

"I used to love going to church with my mom, it was always a place I felt the most at peace but now, I just don't. And its really screwing with my head because I never thought that I would dread going to church. It feels like I'm walking into a prison cell that I'm not sure I'll be able to escape."

Her words are coming at me a mile a minute and I just stand there, attempting to make sense of what exactly she's saying.

"Sometimes I think about going to confession, but I can't do that because I'd never be allowed back so I have to walk around bearing this weight on my chest because I can't tell anyone. People would never look at me the same again."

"What are you talking about? What can't you tell anyone?"

She pauses and bites her lip, clearly contemplating whether or not to tell me. 

"Kimber, you know you can tell me anything, you'll always be my best friend and there's nothing you could ever do to change that. I promise."

I see a picture of resolve and determination settle onto her face as she takes yet another deep breath in. 

"Jessie, I think I'm gay..."

My heart rate speeds up and I'm sure I heard her wrong. My own wishful thinking has moved from my brain to my ears. 

I swallow hard, "What?" is all I can think to say. 

Her eyebrows furrow in confusion and I see a little bit of hurt creep onto her face. 

"I think I might be gay, you know, like into women."

I start to think she might be playing a trick on me because she found out about the journal entry I wrote about her. 

I never thought Kimber would be the type to play such a cruel joke on me. 

But maybe she's not joking. Now wouldn't that be something?

Maybe Maya was right, straight isn't the default. 

I don't have a chance to entertain that thought because something in the back of my mind gnaws at me. 

My innate refusal to believe this could indeed be true. 

My eyes roam her face and I see her resolve begin to melt into hurt and she gets more and more closed off. 

I realize I haven't responded at all, and she must be misinterpreting the confliction in my eyes. 

I open my mouth to say something, anything but I can't seem to think of a certain thing to say. 

She takes my inability to speak as a sign that I find her sexuality weird or gross, when it's in fact, the polar opposite. 

"You know, I thought out of all people, you'd be the one to understand." 

And I watch fiery anger mask the hurt in her eyes. 

"I understand about every single one of your issues. I thought my might have the common courtesy to be understanding about ONE THING that I've been struggling with on my own for a long time. I finally got the nerve to tell you because I thought you were my best friend."

"No, what- I-" I start to say, but she cuts me off. 

"No. You had your chance to say something but you lost it. I guess I was wrong about you." 

And with that, she brushes past me and walks out of the bathroom without another word. 

That could not have gone worse. 

This chapter and the previous one were both kinda short but y'all are getting two updates in two days so no complaining :)

-Anna