Of Sinners and Saints

-Part 5-

- Three Months Later -

Nicholas has been expelled from school and I doubt I'll be seeing much more of him, ever. 

Personally, I believe he should have gotten a much worse punishment than just expulsion but the police did nothing to help. 

Kimber told me they should bring back the old tar and feathering just for him. 

I laughed. She is so funny.  

I wish I could be as funny as her. 

I sigh, placing my pencil down on my bedside table. My therapist told me I should start journaling to get my feelings out.

Clearly she doesn't know how horrendous of a writer I am.

I begin flipping through all the entries from the past months, skimming to find the one I wrote about Kimber. 

Journaling has become essentially an assignment from my therapist. 

I turn it in to her every couple weeks and I know I should tear out a certain entry. 

It was the day I came home drunk and when I'm drinking I apparently find everyone around me utterly irresistible. 

I told her she was beautiful and that she smelled like flowers and absolute bliss. 

And then I kissed her. 

Even whilst in my intoxicated state I manage to remember the feel of her lips on mine. 

The bittersweet taste of her chapstick mixing with the alcohol on my tongue.

I crave that taste every second of every day. I crave her. 

I wrote about all of this is my journal because, after all, it's meant as a place to organize and understand my thoughts and feelings. 

I find the page and avoid reading the words put there by my own hand. 

I release the page from my firm grip and watch it flutter down into the trash bin beside my desk. 

Needless to say, I still haven't been able to understand how I feel about all this. 

My thoughts are a minefield I hesitate to traipse through for fear of uncovering a buried desire I don't think I want revealed. 

She has always monopolised my gase. When she's around nothing much else can manage to tear my thoughts from her.  

And yet, I had never considered her in the light that I do now. 

I saw her as an aspiration, an unattainable perfection that was always just out of reach. 

Somethings shifted but if it's real or all a made up illusion, I can't decide. 

Nicholas often told me I loved him and I never questioned it. 

It only ever brought me pain and so I was disbelieving in the childlike fairytales of love. 

It was a well kempt secret that to be loved was truly cruel, demanding, and belittling. 

But Kimbers niceties and loving nature invite me to see love in an innocent, painless way. 

She cares for me the way a mother would for a newborn babe, but I care for her as a father would a mother. 

But how could I care for anyone after the way I was treated. After the way he treated me. 

With all these thoughts swirling in my head, I sigh and check my watch. 

I realize that I only have a couple minutes before I have to be all the way across campus for my therapy appointment. 

I gently close my book and stand up and walk out my door. 

The wind hits my face as soon as I step outside and I breathe in the unique smell of flowers and wind. 

My therapist, Gracine, always tells me 'be in the moment' and so that's what I attempt to do as I approach the light blue door I've begun to know so well. 

I take a deep breath and plaster a smile on my face as I swing the door open. 

"Jessie! Great to see you, doll. How are you?" I see the cheerful old woman rise from her chair to greet me at the door. 

"I'm doing alright," I say and manage a small smile, "not yet 100% but, really, when is anyone?" 

My words are greeted with a chuckle which helps to ease my budding anxiety. 

I've had weekly meetings with her for almost 3 months now and yet I still am just as nervous around her as anyone. 

Sitting down on the faded green and white couch, I place my hands awkwardly in my lap, unsure of what to do with them. 

Gracine, noticing my fidgeting hands, gestures for me to grab my usual stress ball from the table in front of us. 

Hey guys, this one's pretty short but I have been so stressed with school and finals I haven't had much time to write. I've also had really bad writers block so if yall could give me suggestions or ideas for this that'd be great :)

-Anna