Malign Disposition [H.S]

Harry's Journal Entry - 2

The song must be played during this!!!

TW: some may find this triggering in many ways. Mentions of suicide and deep topics. Please don't force yourself to read if you're not comfortable.

March 21st 2015

Hey darling, long time no speak.

Well technically not really speak, because I can't hear you and you can't hear me, so I guess long time no write? Fuck, like I said I'm not the best at this, bare with me.

Same shit different location. It's my birthday today, and I'm celebrating it by sitting on the edge of a cliff above the ocean. I guess I do have someone to be with me during this day. You. Not physically but spiritually in a sense.

Birthdays are overrated anyways, all of that aside I decided to write in here for you one last time, so let's make it memorable yeah? I know we don't know each other personally but if you're reading this and just so happened to stumble upon this journal, I guess the two of us have somewhat formed a bond through my words. I write, you read, and maybe even relate.

You've grown to know me through past journal entries, you know my story, you know my name. You know my dislikes and my likes, where I ended up, what I've dealt with and came across. You know my dirty little secrets, who I've had crushes on, what my favourite songs are. So I guess it's safe to say that we've connected. Not physically but emotionally and mentally.

I just wish I could've gotten the chance to get to know you. You, as in whoever is crazy enough to read through what goes on in this fucked up little head of mine.

I'm sure you're a bright, beautiful, strong person, I'm sure you're going through a lot too, or maybe you're not and you have a strong head in your shoulders. Either way, I feel like we all go through something.

One thing I want you to know and to never forget is that your problems are never less than anybody else's, your trauma, your emotions, your feelings are all valid. Don't ever compare your battles to the next person, because they are just as big. I want you to know that, I need you to know that.

Anyways, I don't know how to thank you. You're probably wondering as to why I'd want to thank you, someone who I don't even know. Well, I'm thanking you because you're still sitting wherever you are, taking in every single thing I have written down and carrying it with you. And shit, I've written in here a lot so if you're still focused in on these pages, I just wanted to thank you for that. Thank you for sticking with me.

You're also probably wondering why this sounds like a goodbye letter aren't you?

You know how I've told you many times in past entries that I was simply just holding on by a thread? Well, you're that thread. And it finally needs to be cut, because I feel like I can't keep doing this.

This, as in writing down my daily thoughts. Because you see, I've laid it all out for you. It's all there.

Everything that I've wanted to say, everything that had simply come to mind, every little detail about me that I wanted to get out onto paper has finally all been written down onto these pages. And I'm content with what I've given you.

I mean that was the plan all along. Document my life from the very beginning to the end, and I finally have come to terms with this being my end. I can just tell what you're thinking, you're probably saying to yourself that I still have so much life to live.

But how can I live up to that when there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me? I knew the moment I ended up in the position that I wouldn't live a long life, and it all still hurts too much.

I'm tired.

I'm so fucking tired, and I don't expect you to understand. All I can say is that I fought, really long and hard. So, I guess I'll finally sleep at last.

But you know me now, and I guess I'll always live on with you because we are always going to be connected between the ink and paper of this journal. Corny? Yes. But I'm not wrong am I?

Or maybe you'll simply just forget every thing about me when you read the final words of this last entry. You'll close the book and move onto the next chapter. I really hope not, I really hope the words that I have written in this journal have really resonated with you in one way or another. I hope you take everything that I've said, and do the complete opposite. I hope you've learned at least one thing.

Don't end up like me love. Be strong for me okay?

Because I couldn't be strong for myself.

I'm not scared of death. I've actually have come to peace with it, knowing that I'll get to see my parents again.

And a long time ago I wrote to you about that one girl Mar. I told you that she really resonated with me because she was the last person I had encountered before the accident. I told you that she was like sunshine. Warm, bright, beautiful. I hope that when the time comes, after she's lived a long healthy life that I'll get to see her again too.

And I really hope I get to see you, in another universe that is.

So, don't take this as a goodbye, take this with you as a see you someday. I will see you somewhere amongst the stars.

I'm sure you knew this time would come either way, because I wouldn't be able to write in this journal forever. Eventually I'd run out of pages. But you probably weren't expecting me to cut it short were you?

I'm sorry.

How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye really damn hard?

But can you do something for me? Remember that little poem or song whatever you'd like to call it, that I wrote in here a while ago? That Falling one.

Sing it for me before you finally shut this journal. Sing it, read it. Whatever you want to do. It's helped me through tough times, maybe it can help you as well.

Goodbyes are always the hardest. I already feel like I'm jumping off the edge and that I'm in the air for that short amount of time. That feeling before you drop where your stomach tightens and you take a long deep breath. I already feel it.

Like I said. I'll see you beyond the stars, in a whole other universe one day darling.

Until we meet...

Love, H