Through Your Notes

Thursday

Thursday

1.59 a.m.

“What is this place?” I ask as I lay down on the grass.

“It’s my hideaway.” Your voice rough.

I look up at the sky, mesmerised by the countless stars dazzling in the sky.

“How do you know I like stars?”

“Lucky guess.” You smile. “Don’t all girls love stars?”

“Oh.”

You chuckle softly. “Don’t worry. You’re the first person I brought here.”

I smile sheepishly to myself. “Why me?”

“Because you’re special.”

“Am I?”

“Are you?”

“Nathan.”

“K.”

I groan in frustration. I laugh. “How did you find this place?”

“I drove aimlessly when I left home and found this place.”

“What are you parents like?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know.” You echo. “They are just parent-like, I guess?”

I laugh. “What is ‘parent-like’?”

“I don’t know.” He says. “I don’t want to talk about them. Let’s talk about you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you, K.”

“What about me?”

“How long have you been hiding behind that smile?”

  I keep quiet.

“K?” He calls out again.

“Yeah?”

“I brought you here for you to tell me everything. Talk to me.”

“I have nothing to talk about, Nathan.” I sigh.

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Why is it so hard to just talk about it?” He asks, frustrated.

“About what?”

“About what has been bothering you.”

  I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my favourite shirt. “Because no one cares. They acted like they care but they don’t. I don’t want to waste my time telling them when they don’t really care what’s happening to me.”

“I do.” You whisper. “I care.”

“Everyone says that.”

“Trust me, K.” Your voice sounds convincing. “You can’t just bottle everything up.”

“I have been doing that. I am used to it.”

   Can I trust him, Pops?

You put your hand on mine and give it a squeeze.

“Stop hiding. Stop hiding behind that smile. Tell me.” You tuck a strand of my hair behind my ears. “Please.”

I look at you with tears in my eyes.

“How long have you been hiding, K?” You asks.

“All my life.” I say.

“Why do you act like nothing happened?”

“It makes me look strong.”

“You’ve got to be sad sometimes. You can’t just act strong all the time.”

“I know.” I nod.

“Tell me.”

“I am afraid, Nathan.”

“Trust me.”

“I want people to look at me differently. I don’t want them to act weird around me. I don’t want them to treat me like I’m the most unlucky person. So, I act like nothing happened. I don’t shut people out because I know being sad isn’t being me. I did shut my friends out for a little while but my friends start to talk behind my back. Calling me an ungrateful bitch. The truth is I was too overwhelmed by the sudden death of my dad that I cry myself to sleep every night but they don’t see that. They only see the ‘bad’ that I have done but not the bad thing that is happening in me. They don’t see how sensitive and weak I have become. I act strong so that when people walk out of my life, I know I can be strong. I have dealt with mum. I know I am strong.” I wipe the tears on my cheeks. “But, I’m still afraid, Nathan. I am afraid that eventually you will leave too. What if you leave like how mum left?”

You hold my face with your palms and wipe the tears away with your thumbs.  

You kiss my forehead.

I shut my eyes for a little while.

Your kiss calms me.

“Are you feeling better now?” You smile.

I nod.

“Good.” You smile.

I smile back.

“Just so you know.”

I look at you earnestly.

“I won’t leave you.” You smile reassuringly. “I promise.” You whisper.

  And, you kiss me.