Something Like Summer

Prologue

What can I say about myself? My name is Oskar Szczęsny. I'm a Polish 5 ft 7 ordinary teenage boy. Well, I'm still 12, but in Poland, you become a teenager when you turn 11, cause all teenage ages in the Polish language end on "nastolatek" (eng. teenager) and 11 is the first such age. I was born on 14th February of 2001. In Poland, children begin their first year of school being 7, mostly. My parents decided to put me at elementary one year earlier when I was 6, so I'm the youngest boy in my year, with all the others having been born in 2000.  I have brown hair and hazel eyes. I am rather slim and many friends, both boys, and girls were telling me that they were jealous of my figure ;-D This is always really nice to hear, cause I'm not really doing anything to keep my slim figure up. I'm not playing any sports or training anything. I don't know, I would, definitely, but to be honest I am...too lazy ;-D I have a beauty spot right below my left eye. I like it and I think this is my signature mark. What I love is going out with my friends as much as I can, listening to music, mostly pop music, and playing video games. I love my friends, family and I truly deeply believe in true love and I hope I come across it...sooner or later.

I live in Firefly Oasis, a usual Polish city filled with post-communist blocks of flats. Yeah, I'm a boy from the block, almost like Jenny from the block ;-D Firefly Oasis is a rather big city, with 100 000 citizens living there. I love my city, it's kinda big, well, not like Cracow or Warsaw, but there are so many places to see there. It is a really green city, you know what I mean. Full of grass, forests, and parks. It looks much more beautiful than it does in a picture, you just have to imagine it ;) 

Poland isn't necessarily the most popular nor most admired country in the world compared to the USA, Italy, Japan, or even Russia. I feel bad about this a little. We don't even have any famous singers or actors worldwide from our country, who would represent our country... Heart of Europe, 40 million people and...no one, whereas Mexico has Selena, Canada has Justin Bieber, Germany has Rammstein and Lena, Ukraine has Mila Kunis, Russia has Serebro, Bulgaria has Nina Dobrev...even such small countries like Kosovo (Rita Ora) or Barbados (Rihanna) have famous people worldwide...well, at least many Americans have Polish roots. I wish people in the world would talk more about Poland, cause this place, especially Firefly Oasis, means for me so much. If only people in the world could see with my eyes and my perspective...then, they would get it! 

Now we have 2013. I think this year is a big step backward towards 2012. I don't know, I just don't feel this year. Smartphones and memes explosion all around the world, I feel like the world started to live them this year. Music also went downhill. I mean, look at all these new mainstream songs: "Can't Stop" from Miley, "Blurred Lines" from Robin Thicke, "Work" from Iggy Azalea...These are top hits and it is all about being nasty, twerking, being vulgar. Each year in the past had its "controversial" songs, but not like this...and these mentioned songs are beloved by everyone and are top hits, whereas I personally think there's nothing special about them and that they just are crossing the line. I think I shouldn't have such serious thoughts being only 12. After all, I'm still just a kid ;-D I'm weird.... I definitely prefer pop hits from last year like Cheryl Cole's "Call My Name", Jennifer Lopez's "Goin In' " or Bieber's "Beauty and the Beat". They are much better than crap coming out this year. There are some lit songs though, like "Jutra Nie Będzie" i "W Stronę Słońca" from our Polish singer Ewelina Lisowska...or "Mirrors" from Justin Timberlake. I LOVE this song, I remember when Kinga was at my place on the 9th floor (I live on the 9th floor on the block with my grandparents. I mean, only granddad, as my grandma died at the beginning of 2013. This year kinda sucks. But going back to Timberlake's "Mirror"...Kinga has been visiting me very often during the spring/summer this year. And she would always play some cool songs, and I like the memory of us listening to this song in my room, Idk why. Kinga is always so fun to spend time with. She's that easy-going girl with a lot of friends and I'm just a little insecure sociably- awkward nice guy :P It is a good match and we never fail to spend a great time together.  Besides that, I have many other friends from the block (not necessarily mine, but others;-D) like Damon, Mario, Justin, Sebastian, Claire, and so on and so on. I love my life in Firefly Oasis. Despite some personal struggles and failures lately. 

There is something going on with me for the last 2 years. I don't know how to put it, so maybe I'll just be straightforward. I think I may be accidentally...gay? I mean....shit! Since I remember I always liked girls! Claire was my really first love, I think she was even the first one I kissed back in 2007 or 2008 ;-D agh, memories! I really liked also my Spanish teacher miss Janet, but it really isn't worth mentioning, she's like 28 now. When I started learning Spanish I was like 5 and she was like 21 ;-D And I still like girls. The biggest crash I ever got was at elementary in 2 girls from my year- Magdalena and Beatrice. They were of course these beautiful popular girls, and me...was me. I had my moments with both of them, I even think there might have been a time when both of them were in love with me, but I was just too shy to make a step forward, so I lost my chance.  I remember, when 3 years ago we went with my mother to visit my godfather and his son, and Beatrice happened to be there at the same time, cause her mother and my godfather were friends from work. I entered the flat, and...I just noticed her sitting on the chair using the computer...I was so...stressed, happy, blushed, and excited at the same time. I was SO IN LOVE WITH HER. We spent practically all afternoon and evening. Late at night, we were coming back to our homes with our mothers, the whole city was sleeping, no living souls around. We, me and Beatrice, had been playing tag while turning back home. Unfortunately, it was the first and at the same time the last time I got so close to her during all 6 years of elementary. Well, there were 2 times when she went to my place after school with a friend from our year Barbie, but only to get a communion outfit, probably for her younger cousin, for the Holy Communion. With Magdalena I have a more common history. The last year, in 2012- me, her, Claire, Sebastian, and others- really often went on a bike, especially during the times of Euro 2012 (Poland and Ukraine co-hosted Euro 2012 so it was a big deal for our country back in the day). Sometimes we spent time in my flat, other times we were going to Cassie, the only one from us who actually lived in a house, and we were jumping on a trampoline in her garden :D We had a tradition in our elementary, that on every Valentine's Day there was one lesson when all of us created a Valentine card for one significant person. She (Magdalena) already created a card for Damon, but I gave her my card as a present, and right before my eyes she covered the name Damon with her marker pen and wrote "Oskar" instead and gave it to me, giving me a sweet smile! I was... mesmerized! I felt at that very moment like I was floating on cloud 9, seriously! 

So, knowing all of this, how is that possible I feel attracted to boys? I think I'm still trying to push it at the back of my mind. It's hard though. I like looking at beautiful girls. There is something girlish and fragile in girls I really like, and boys like me don't have that. Yet, there is something in boys that makes me wanna be around them, and this is that something girls don't have, from another side. I just... I don't know how to call that. I think I might feel a sexual tension with persons of the same sex as me, whereas my love for girls is pure. This is how it is. Boys at 12, 13, 14, and so on tend to be rebellious, so self-conscious of their capabilities, confident, courageous, easy-going, knowing what they want, stay in charge...it's the total opposite of me. I always felt like I was the weakest link whatever group I found myself in. Everybody always has so much to say, so much confidence, so self-assure. I wish to have that. And I see this mostly in boys, and it makes me excited. I just feel that special tension and feeling being around boys. I don't know why am I such a wet blanket...I shouldn't. I shouldn't let myself think about boys before getting asleep and right after waking up every day. The first boy I really fell in love with was Sebastian 2 years ago. I was actually abroad in 2011, and lying in bed, getting rest after lunch I suddenly started thinking about him. I imagined us in many different situations and this was the really first time I realized I might have been in love with him. Of course, he was this bad guy from the block- sportive, straight-forward, a little too confident, and sometimes rude- and me- opposite. From my year in elementary among the last few years, I found myself feeling attracted to other boys like Peter, Damon, or Cristian. 

I can't give you a good explanation of why do I feel this way. My father left me and my mama just a few days after I was born. This is why my mother had to move abroad, to make money for both of us, cause she couldn't have managed to maintain us from her ordinary low-paid job as a cashier in Poland. I had an option to stay in Firefly Oasis at my grandparents' flat and with my friends, and I had chosen this option. So, basically, I have been growing up without a father, who could have been a good male role model for me. Throughout the years, I missed him. I missed this male relationship. Perhaps...no. No perhaps! I'm 100 % sure this is why I got so delicate and fragile and grasping for male intimacy for all these years.  It's stupid. At times I find myself imagining myself flirting with good-looking boys and getting intimate. At other times I try to get rid of these fantasies so bad. Some part of me wants so bad for these dreams to become a reality. Another part of me wishes I would just forget about it and hopes it won't happen anytime in my life...