Something Like Summer

Chapter II- July 2013

The beginning of July. The first week of vacation I spend meeting mostly with Sebastian, Damon, Justin, and Mario. They don't friend so much with Kasia, Caroline, Gigant or Alexandra so I wouldn't have to worry that at one moment they would like to meet with them on a playground. Yeah, I'm still avoiding MY playground as much as I can. I mean, it ain't my playground anymore. I was deprived of it, excluded. Today I had a dream. I was walking through the city holding hands with Magda. We were kissing, and we came across Cristian in the park next to the stadium. He told me that he was missing me since we ended school. He confessed in front of me and my girlfriend that he was in love with me and asked me could he be my boyfriend. Magda made me choose- her or Cristian. I said I won't be choosing between him and her, because I couldn't decide what did I want. So both of them left me and I ended up alone. This is the moment when I woke up. Strange dream. I can't be with another boy in a relationship. I don't imagine myself in 10, 20 years from now confessing to myself in front of a mirror that after all these years it turned out that I am gay and having a boyfriend. It just...it doesn't sound like a happy ending for me. Being judged by all the people till the rest of my life. Society has strict rules. Yeah, in western Europe and America they try more and more to promote tolerance, but it still ain't roses and daisies like they try to present their society. A lot of people still don't give a shit for gay people, but the situation is definitely better than in Poland. Dude, look! All these hot guys you fall in love with aren't gays and they never will be. So generally, it's impossible that you'll meet a guy, who will feel the same about you. So, it's better to forget about that and try to be a normal guy, right? Cause no matter whatever you will ever feel for any guy, he's not gonna feel it too. 

Today, about 4:30 PM I rode on a bike to Justin, to play together on XBOX with Sebastian and Damon. When I was riding off the hill I was supposed to turn right after the hill would end, but instead, I didn't stop and I hit with my head the shop building with full force. There was a bar outside and some men who were drinking beer saw me and one of them came to me and asked what is my name, surname, how old I am and my address. I was so confused after the hit that I told him all of that without wondering that I am talking with an unknown man xd After I said that he told me that "everything is okay" and "you can go" xd I hope they won't be stalking me right now and nothing bad will come out of this ;-D Boys were waiting for me on the alley and Sebastian asked me what took me so long and I told them what happened and Damon with Sebastian laughed out loud. I mean, I don't blame them. This situation was absurd and stupid. I love summer. We went to Justin's flat and played Halo and Star Wars on Kinect. This was a cool time.

One day in the morning I came across Monica accidentally. She was roller skating and she was actually turning back home. I decided to see her home. She told me about her new junior high school. She goes to the same one as Beatrice and Magda. We didn't talk about that night when Kasia was trashing me on the internet and she (Monica) with Casper were the only ones to stand in my defense. She asked me however what language would I choose as my second language- besides English- to learn in school- Italian or Spanish. I told her that Italian and Spanish are the easiest foreign languages to learn, at least for Poles, and from my experience I can tell that Spanish is even easier than Italian for our nation. I think I managed to convince her to choose Spanish over Italian, but I don't know. I had seen her home and I turned back home. It was nice to meet her just after the end of school year. She was one of the nicest persons in our grade. Back then I didn't know it was our last conversation. 

The other day I was roller-skating with Damon. Yeah, I can roller skating, but we roller-skated right next to the main street and the pavement went downhill and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to brake, so Damon decided to ride before me and I rode behind him holding his arms. We did it this way till the end so I wouldn't lose control. I wasn't scared anymore and I felt safe. It was cool :P This is probably the only and the last time when I could have touched him for such a long time without any regrets :) We roller-skated towards Bartek's block to ask him out, but it turned out that only his sister was at the flat :/ We brought our roller skates back to flats and went out with Sebastian. We went on the back of Kaufland on the stairs leading to workers staff room, so we shouldn't have done that, because only Kaufland workers can use these stairs. It was outside by the way. Damon came up with me, whereas Sebastian stayed down on the ground. They had an idea that Sebastian would throw the bottle with his energetic drink up to us. So he did, but he tried so many times and he couldn't throw it high enough to us. I was making photos of him trying so hard and getting tired by throwing this bottle up to us. We laughed because he looked so funny :P Sebastian and Damon came into idea to go by the evening to cinema on "Iron Man 3". I agreed, because I always like to go to the cinema. Super-hero movies don't interest me honestly, but I can go. It's important that I'll be spending a great time with my friends. Sebastian had to go back home, so only two of us- me and Damon- stayed outside once again. He came up with idea that we'll smoke something together as I never did that! I didn't want to, to be honest, but I agreed eventually cause I didn't want to be lame or something. He had led me to the newsstand where he bought mini-smoking tube. The seller was like in his 40's and I'm wondering how can he sell things like that to children without any check-out or asking for ID. Especially that this newsstand stands in the central city right next to the main street. Damon told me everybody buys around here these days, especially single pieces of cigarettes, because they know this guy would never ask them for ID and he doesn't ask, cause it's a great deal for him. I mean... clever. One child buying one cigarette or mini-smoking tube won't bring him much money, but when all underage teens from the city would buy there. It's a really big income. The next thing we did was entering the market. "I don't have grass today, so we have to improvise"- this is what he said to me xd I was like "Okay, that sounds..okay" xd He knew exactly which section he wanted to go and where to find it. After few seconds we found ourselves on the herbs section. Damon asked me what herb would I like to smoke, showing me various sachets. Honestly, I know nothing about this and I was like "no, you choose. I trust you!". So he bought the marjoram sachet. When we came out of the market Damon seemed bored. For him things like that are normal things to do. For me it was a big deal, cause I was going to smoke for the really first time in my life! We jumped over the fence on kindergarten territory. I think it's a little illegal, cause we have a summer break and the kindergarten including its playground are closed but who cares xd I follow him to a colorful wooden train where we finally sit. Damon opens sachet with marjoram and puts it in this smoking tube xd I can't believe I'm actually doing it. He tells me how to smoke properly, but with the time I try to breathe it in it cuts me inside and I cough! He laughs and tells me I need to breathe it all in before I breathe it out. Anyway, I can't breathe it in anyway so it sucks, but I'm happy I did something so rebelish! However, Damon felt cringe a little bit and told me to not to excite too much, cause it is the ordinary marjoram from the market and told me not to brag about that to other persons cause they would simply laugh out loud from me for bragging about smoking marjoram in kindergarten xd