Something Like Summer

June 2013 (Part II)

Sebastian, Peter, Cristian, Damon- these are boys I fell in love with so far. Only one of them I'm not a friend with is Cristian, so I think this is why I feel most interested in him, cause he's so unknown to me. This is also the only person from 26 persons in our class whom I didn't have any particular common event, meeting, or experience. Cause obviously, I'm not a BFF of all the persons in our class, but with each person, I had at least one or two times when we hang out together and did something funny or crazy. Only not Cristian. I'm wondering what must he think about me. It's most probable, that he does think nothing about me. I don't interest him definitely. I remember at the beginning of elementary when we were 6 the toy I was playing with at the back of a classroom fell under the wardrobe and I couldn't have reached it. It was the end of the lessons and only Cristian was with me in the classroom and he had seen that. He asked our teacher to come to us because he wanted to report on me. I was scared because back then when it happened, I thought I would be expelled because of that stupid toy ;-D Teacher came in front of us and when Cristian was about to start talking I...shut his mouth with my hand xd For a few seconds because the teacher told me to stop. And of course, he told everything eventually and Miss Brzozowska laughed and told me I didn't have to freak out so much cause what I did wasn't bad, just an incident. Anyway, me and Cristian never really had much in common. I think I even didn't like him for most of the elementary school. I don't know why. He didn't do or say anything wrong to me, but he was so serious always. He was cool, but at the same time according to me he didn't have any sense of humor and was serious all the time. He wasn't necessarily a nerd, we both were good students, and both of us at every school-year end received diplomas with honors for great notes in school. Sometimes he writes to me on Facebook, but only because he wants to know what were we doing in school, what homework do we have to do, etc. Oh, he wrote to me. I'm sure he wants to ask me once again about school. Nah, I'm not answering him even if I'm dying to throw myself on him and kiss him! I have my dignity and all he wants from me always writing with me are lessons. The only time when he wrote to me, not about lessons was when Nicole was turning back from school with me to get from me this Communion outfit for her younger cousin, cause he was jealous of her and wanted to know whether we are a couple or not. Bye! He's moreover the same height as me, olive complexion as Sebastian, a little lighter than Sebastian's, and blond hair with dark-brown eyes...Damn, I don't know why do I have a weakness for brown-eyed blondes. Damon and Cristian are so...fine! I think the last year I had been on a bike trip with him and 2 times, but he was always the one to turn back home or wherever after half of an hour or hour. The last only time when I met with him after school was 3 months ago, as our teacher Miss Florczak determined him and Damon to take care of gifts for a Woman's Day on 8th March. Damon and Cristian had chosen...me to go with them. We were supposed to go straight to Carrefour and chose the gifts for girls from our class. I was stressed because I thought my granddad would have been angry at me I did not come back home right after school. But anyway I went with them, with 2 boys I have been attracted to. We left our backpacks at Damon's flat, went to Carrefour, bought what we had to buy, and split up. They will never get to know how much I was/I still am in love with them. I mean, I live in Poland. I see how my friends react to gay people. Make fun of them and if there appears a boy in a school or neighborhood who wears himself in tight trousers or colorful clothes or generally behaves not like ordinary boys, then he's trashed behind his back all the way. If he ain't lucky, then people mistreat him straight in his face. If it's going about our parents' generation or elders, I think most of them also don't approve of persons being different than ordinary people. How bad would it be if it turned out I'm gay and all the people around got to know that? I hope it's only a phase and my attraction to boys is only temporary. As I said, I was in love with Kasia and I treated our relationship seriously. I just...at the same time felt attracted to handsome boys around, but I tried to deny it and hide it as much as I could. Let's face it. If someone like Cristian, Peter, or Damon told me that he's in love with me and wants to kiss me. What would I do? Pretend I don't feel anything and push them off or rather admit the same and kiss them? Let's be true to yourself. Damn...I think I kinda would choose the second option... No! It ain't right! It's only a phase! I want to have a beautiful fragile girlfriend in the future, marry her, have babies, settle down...be a man! I still feel something to Beatrice and Magda! If it is so, then I can't be...a boy liking other boys! It's crazy. It's only a phase...it will come to an end...eventually, right?