My Sunflowers

Hey Stupid, I Love You

 It was hard to look at myself. Harry had been gone for almost three days and those three days felt like weeks. I spent them alone in the house, writing mostly. I woke up to another day without him, knowing I would have to go another week and a half, atleast. Harry had informed me, once landing, that they thought it would take two weeks, give or take, and that was what I was mentally planning for.

I woke up and decided I needed to get out of the house. I needed to explore the new world I was living in outside of this house, or when I told Harry I would be fine, would become a lie. I was standing in front of the mirror, in only my bra and underwear. I couldn't take my eyes off of my growing stomach. A small bump sat low on my body and as I looked at it my stomach turned. I looked down on my hands as my fingers began to itch and then across the room to the white porcelain toilet. I bawled my fists up, pushing my nails into my palms to try and rid the dark thoughts that tried to sneak in. My jeans and my large grey baggy tshirt sat on the counter waiting to be put on but that was when I noticed the bump in the mirror.

I was struggling to convince my brain that it was just a growing baby and nothing more but the more I pushed the harder my brain pushed back. My feet ached to move forward and closer to the toilet but I fought for them to stay in place. My hands itched, remembering their role in my past acts, but I kept them in balls by my side. At that moment my phone started ringing from the other room and it was the only thing to save me from my thoughts. I moved from the bathroom and back into our bedroom, finding my ringing phone on the side table.

"Hello?" I said quickly, sliding my finger across the answer bar and putting the phone to my ear.

"Hey baby," Harry said from his side of the world. We tried to talk on the phone and text whenever we could but had a plan that no matter what Harry would call me before he went to bed at night.

"Hey, Mr. Styles," I said, trying to put on my best voice for him, considering the turmoil I just left in the bathroom.

"DJ what's wrong? You sound off," he said, his voice going up slightly in concern and that was the last thing I wanted. I should have known better than to think he wouldn't see right through any defencess I was trying to put up.

"Nothing's wrong," I lied. I didn't want him to worry about my problems. Especially when he couldn't be here with me. But I did this. I told him to go, and I wouldn't regret that decision. He deserved to be living that part of his dream.

"DJ..." Harry said dragging out my name. I knew I needed to tell him something or he wouldn't let it go.

"I'm just not used to you being gone. But it's different than before," I said honestly. Being away from him now was different than before. He was gone but I still had him.

"It's like we're not together but we have the knowledge that we still have each other and that it won't' be long and we'll be together again," he said, finishing my thoughts.

"Exactly."

"I wish you were in my arms," he said, sighing into the phone.

"You and me both. It's been a long three days of missing you," I said, taking a seat on the bed, letting my back hit the soft pillows. "I'm jealous of the people who get to be around you right now."

"You shouldn't be. I'm no fun." A small chuckle left his mouth but I could tell it was weak and that he had something else on his mind.

"You know, I'm finding it hard to believe you. You are always fun," I said. The line between us went silent. Neither of us having any words that could make us feel better. "Hey, I want to show you something," I said standing from the bed again, and making my way back to the bathroom.