The first few drafts of this story were messy– completely all over the place.
I had the substance of the story in place, but it needed so much work if it was going to be put out there.
You know the statement You don't know what you don't know, well that's sort of how it was; there were things I knew I didn't really know about writing and storytelling that I had to find out and correct;
Then there were those things, I didn't even know I needed to know – now I do know them, partly thanks to these guys: Jerry, Debbie, Joshua, Queensley, Daluchi, Unini and Peace.
Jerry Majebi
Jerry, or Mano, as I call him, was the first person to read Jay, when it was barely anything – which of course means that he was the first person to give me anything with a semblance of feedback. Like I said he read Jay when it had barely 5 chapters and a lot was wrong with it, a lot. Still, he was able to give me a few pointers and help me begin to formulate those questions whose answers would eventually help me better understand the direction I was heading in. Below I share his first comment, the first thing ever said about Jay
Seems interesting...
Debbie Onum
Unlike everyone else on this list, Debbie asked to read Jay. That was sweet. I remember that night when she sent me a message saying "Send the book...I'd read it'. After reading it, she said something that got me cracking up.
You should just marry a white woman.
I never told her this, but the fact that she read it and finished it, gave me courage, if you will, to share it with other people for critiquing.
Joshua Omoijiade
If I'm to pick out the feedback that...that gave me the most to think about, it was Joshua's. He said a lot, a lot of important things. The first big one was the need for each chapter to be more thematically cohesive; the next one was the need to improve the progression of the story – at some point he told me to write five to ten lines summarizing what I wanted to capture form start to finish – that this would help develop things better - this made me laugh, but I did it, and it did help. I appreciate the effort he put into it – later he'd even suggest that I watch James Patterson's masterclass on storytelling, to pick up some key elements that would make the story better.
Also, he created all the sketches for this story, which I'm really thankful for.
Here's what he said:
It's got potential...
Also, as far as first attempts at writing go, it's quite a brave one.
Queensley Okon
I'm really thankful to Queensley for reading Jay – she was thorough.
Her many notes were super helpful and I'm thankful to her for putting that much effort into it. Queensley underscored one of those things I knew I didn't know – how to make the reader feel my voice, my unique way of telling the story without getting in the way of the reader's experience – in other words, my voice should help tell the story, not become it. I can't overstate how important knowing this was – it helped me to restructure many parts of this story and strip it of excesses.
"...Can't believe I stayed up all night to read this. Like this is 1:36am and I started by 7 or 8 pm. Hope my notes are helpful. Would send a voice note which would help."
Daluchi Iweanya
The principal reason I wanted Daluchi to proof-read Jay, asides from being my friend, is that she's a reader – she's read an impressive number of books and I once read a short piece she wrote about Lagos – it was so good. Daluchi didn't pull punches, she just ripped the band-aid off and gave it to me straight; her comments covered the good, the bad and the completely out of place. Her notes and suggested edits were so helpful – they were mainly on sequence, flow, grammar and structure. Here's her overall comment.
I sat at it from 12, and I didn't stand up till about 4:30
...It was very easy to read and at some point, I had to remind myself that I'm actually supposed to be looking for weak spots and not just blushing along.
I think it's really nice, the fact that you remember details from about 6 years ago is really cool
... Generally, it was a great read. Totally loved it!
Unini Mosimabale
Unini is a writer, and a published one for that matter so I asked her if she could read Jay and give me feedback – but at the time, we didn't really know each other well so I wasn't sure what to expect.
She read it, and honestly her feedback made me smile. She said verbatim:
"I really enjoyed your story, it's very different from anything I've ever read – and I've read a lot of books in this life".
She said a few other things about how I could make the story more relatable – I'm thankful for the time she took out to read it.
Peace Oshoko
Probably the biggest surprise of them all, in that I didn't expect Peace to read it – she's super busy, like super freaking busy and that's not an exaggeration in any way. Plus, she's got something in the neighbourhood of ADHD, which means her attention span is shorter than a leprechaun. But read it she did, and her feedback put me on the moon. She said a lot about what I could improve and other important stuff – here are the highlights of her feedback.
First off, the way you described Jay was detailed in a way that made me (who generally couldn't care less) curious enough to want to meet her...
Second, it was nice that you created context for the next point or part of the story you were going to tell, because it shows how passionate you are about the story....
The fact that almost every emotion, or event could be linked to a movie scene, a quote, or a song lyric says a lot about how your attention to detail and just how perceptive and observant you are....
A wise person once told me, you're only as good as your references. Your piece reinforces that truth. Your knowledge of the arts, globe-trotting and sojourn in other countries are evident in this story which is impressive....
I think you already got your command of vocabulary in the bag. (seemed a little show-offy sometimes). Also explore poetry. (yes, you've never liked it I know). I always attribute that genre of literature to the passionate romantics, which I already figured you are. Write more often and explore advertising copywriting too.
The idea of including a glossary of all your references is brilliant because wahala for who no dey watch movies or listen to indie pop- rock (or whatever genre of music it is that you listen to).
You told an interesting story Cyrus (I know we have Naomi Watts to thank for that) and forgive my tardy feedback; I hope it still counts.
