His eyes fluttered open, his lashes unsticking from his caramel skin. A big, red 3 welcomed him from his clock, and a heavy sigh escaped his lips. He looked up and saw Sicheng's face in front of him, their bodies pressed against each other in that small bed.He couldn't remember when he fell asleep but, he did remember feeling the older boy sneaking in his bed, his warm body pressed against his cold hands, his breath in his neck, and Xuxi knew, that like that he had fallen asleep. Now that he was awake though, the warm presence was suddenly not as comforting as it had been a couple of hours ago.
A bubble of guilt that he couldn't seem to pop reappeared inside him just by looking at his ge, eating him like a fire, inside out, non-stop. He turned around so that he wouldn't have to face his insecurities face front. He turned on his phone, the brightness on its lowest so that he wouldn't wake the sleeping Sicheng.
His fingers moved automatically, as if out of reflex towards his Instagram, scrolling through comments and DM's, letting it all sink in, taking in every and each one of those words as fog takes over the forest. One specific comment caught his attention, his eyes stuck in the words as if the answers to the unknowns of the universe were written there, he analysed the words, dived into the sentence and concluded he would press the link included in the message.
He dares not say what was written there for mouthing the words would be too painful but, if that person was right, then maybe, just maybe, that link would have the answers he so desperately looked for.
As the link opened in his safari, big pink letters greeted him: "Ana and Mia with a brain," was what was written there. A sea of questions arose in his brain, hitting him like waves hit the sand at night, leaving nothing but chaos and foam that prevents light from passing through.
He continued reading, despite his brain begging him not to. His finger scrolling down until it landed on a picture, a picture of a girl standing there in nothing but her underwear and some shorts.
But, what really called his attention wasn't the lack of clothes of the girl standing in front of him, it was the way her collarbones said hello, sticking out as if they were going to break through her skin at any second. It was the way her hipbones could be seen even under her shorts, the way her cheeks and eyes sunk, the purple circles under the blue orbs. It was the way her ribs could be seen without much effort and, as he stared at the picture in front of him, fear seeped inside him, not fear of the girl in his phone but fear of the fact that he found himself mesmerized by her figure.
He caught himself staring at that girl with something more than surprise. He was impressed, impressed that someone could get to be that thin, surprised because her thighs didn't touch, because her collar bones just looked so beautiful and because...he wanted that.
He wanted his thighs to not touch, his ribs to be seen, his collarbones on display because that would mean he would no longer be fat, no longer look at the scale and feel disgusted, no longer receive comments telling him how terribly ugly he was, no longer...no longer... no longer feel repulsion wash over him every time he looked at his reflection in the mirror.
...he couldn't, no, he couldn't. There was no way that girl was healthy, no way she was happy even if a smile decorated her face. There was no way he would have enough energy to endure 12 hours of practice if he was like that and, there was no way...no way he would lose control like that. He wasn't like that girl, he could control his body, his mind, he was not...sick.
'Was' felt like the keyword in that sentence. He decided not to dwell on it.
Xuxi logged out and moved towards his notes, where the diet plan was written. He stared at it, the picture of the girl still stuck in his mind.
YOU ARE READING
How do you live when nobody wants you to live?|| Wong Yukhei
FanfictionHow do you live, when nobody wants you to live? How do you see yourself in the mirror when what you see is what they want you to see? How do you think if you can no longer differentiate between your thoughts and their opinions? Or, Lucas starts gett...