There are curse words in this chapter just 'cause...idk, I felt aggressive today sorry. Also, I feel like the member I'm portraying here would be just a lot angrier over the whole situation.
Also, the writing style for this chapter is a tad bit different like, less....poetic? less decorated? yeah hehe
He blinks, one, two, three times. He breathes one, two, three times. He cries one, two, three, four, five...more.
Lost.
He has lost the ability to believe.
Lost the ability to feel.
Lost the ability to see.
Lost.
Lost.
Lost.
He's lost.
--------------------------
He breathes, the fog clearing from his brain, and he breathes. Warm air fills the cold room, stains the mirror in front of him, but he breathes.
He smiles at the image in the mirror, the image smiling back at him. He cleans the sweat from his forehead and lies heavily on the floor, his back hitting the wooden floor.
He stares at the roof. The light is almost blinding but, he refuses to close his eyes, refuses to let go of the image behind them even as they sting. He refuses to shut them.
The light of the studio helps him remember why he was there for.
Xuxi.
Xuxi was the cause for his stinging eyes and pounding head. He was the cause for his sleepless nights, for his tired days, for the worried glances, for the cooking evenings in hopes that the boy would eat something, anything.
Xuxi was the cause.
Because he had seen how the other's muscles slowed down 15 minutes into practice. He had seen how Xuxi's breaths would become erratic after only 20 minutes. He had seen the look on Xuxi's face when dancing, had seen his eyes, had seen his mouth, his chin, his cheeks, his collar bone, his arms, his hands, his finger, his everything...and he is scared.
And he knows, he knows he isn't the only one who had noticed the change because he sees how the member's eyes linger on Xuxi's body and how their brows furrow, their lips turn down, he sees. And, he knows, but, at the same time, he doesn't know.
He knows that there is something terribly wrong with Xuxi. He knows that the way Xuxi's eyes glaze over whenever they make contact with the mirror is not okay. He knew from the second he looked into those eyes and found an empty stare, the second dance practices became quiet rituals no one dared to speak at because they were too scared to break the seemingly sacred silence that had fallen upon them when Xuxi was no longer part of the sound. He knew then that something was terribly wrong, and yet, he doesn't know.
He knows all of these things, and he knows nothing. Because they are all small, little, tiny pieces of a huge puzzle and the more pieces he puts together, the more he wants to run away from this reality that he can't bring himself to accept.
He's being selfish, he's being a coward, an asshole, he's being dumb and stupid.
He knows.
Because he knows so much and he doesn't know what he's supposed to do.
Tell their managers? Right, like they would give a flying fuck. For all he knew, it was them, the ones that had started all this, so no, that was not an option.
Speak to the others? He had. Multiple times. He had. And every single time it would go the same way: he would voice his concerns, they would voice their concerns, they would promise to talk to Xuxi, and when one of them tried...they would come back with sad looks on their faces and tears stains on their cheeks.
He knows so, so much, and at the same time, he knows nothing because this puzzle he is trying to solve is an impossible crusade. He doesn't know what was wrong because there are so many things wrong, and in the end, all he really knows is that he wants Xuxi back.
He wants his bright, sun-like smile back.
He wants to see his eyes spark with the smallest of things, just like they had three months ago.
He wants to hear his voice because it has been so long since he heard anything but a whisper come out of Xuxi's mouth.
He wants to stop listening to the small whimpers at night.
He wants to stop being careful about approaching Xuxi because he now felt like one wrong move could make the other boy come crashing down.
Wants to hear his laugh just one more time.
Wants, wants, wants, wants.
He wants so many things, and he can't. He can't have any of them because he doesn't know.
He has never been one to beg, one to lower himself to the ground and bow, but for Xuxi, he is ready to beg, scream and cry to every god out there to bring Xuxi back because this isn't fair.
This isn't fair.
This isn't fair.
He repeats to himself.
This isn't fair.
...
This is not fair!
He screams to the night as tears roll down his cheeks. He sobs in his hand, and his eyes sting. The cries become desperate, desperate enough for him to be gasping for air...because this isn't fair.
What has Xuxi ever done to anyone to deserve this? Even if he doesn't know what "this" is.
Someone once had told him that no one ever deserves anything, good or bad, no one deserves anything, you just get what you look for in life.
Bullshit.
If that were true, then Xuxi would have done something so terribly wrong that he deserv- no, that he was looking for his eyes to be dead and for his smile to be non-existent?!
Bullshit.
He refuses to believe that that is how the world works.
His eyes sting.
He hasn't closed them.
But they sting.
The light is blinding, and he doesn't know for how long he can keep this up, but just like the rest of the situation, he's going to keep them open, keep on fighting because if this isn't fair, then he's going to fix it.
He refuses to close his eyes, refuses to let the image behind them disappear and, refuses to let Xuxi disappear with it.
He sits up and looks in the mirror. His eyes are red from crying, his hair is messy from pulling, his nails are bloody from scratching, he's tired.
He rubs his eyes one more time, and he stands.
He knows.
He knows there's something terribly wrong.
He knows Xuxi is fading away, slipping past his fingers.
He also knows he's not going to let that happen. He's going to fight tooth and nail, give his fucking everything to prevent Xuxi from fading away.
He gives one step, then two, and he cries, tears roll down his cheeks, and although they sting, Ten is not going to close his eyes.
Notes:
DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE EYES THING AT THE END?????
DID YOU LIKE IT????
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