They say love can drive you crazy, my dear

sixteen

In the next few months, Liam is feeling worse and worse.

One day, him and I go to the hospital for his medication and a doctor stops me on the corridor.

"Good afternoon, you are with Liam Payne, right?" he asks.

"Yes, I am his friend."

I look at the man's nametag: Dr. Malik.

"Look, I just wanted to tell you not to get your hopes up," he whispers and looks me in the eyes.

I can feel the sorrow and compassion in his gaze but I don't say a word, I walk away, trying to erase my own memory and the words that just came out of the man's mouth.

I take a look at Liam as he is sitting on a bed, talking to a doctor. He is bald but beautiful. My best friend is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, losing him would kill me too. He is strong, reliable, lovable. I just keep staring at him with tears in my eyes and I try to imagine my world without him. But I can't, it is impossible. I couldn't live without his horrible jokes, his precious smile or without him calling me in the middle of the night to tell me about a girl he has just met. I need his marvelous soul to get me through the worst and the best days of my life. He needs to recover, get married, have kids and live his life outside, not inside the thick, white walls of a smelly hospital. Because he deserves to live and he deserves a chance, just like everyone else does. 

Liam comes out of the room and smiles at me, pretending that he can't see that my eyes are red from crying. 

"Wanna hang out?" he asks.

"Sure," I laugh and cry at the same time so Liam hugs me and I close my eyes and try to enjoy this moment while I still have a chance to hug him.

This thought makes me cry even harder so Liam doesn't let go of the hug, he starts rocking me in his arms while my heart breaks into a million pieces. I want to remember his eyes, his smell, his gaze, his everything. 

I look into his warm brown eyes and decide that I want to spend every single second with him that is left for us. Wasting time in this situation would be our biggest mistake.

So I take Liam to a playground and we sit on the swings, watching the children playing and being carefree. They have their whole lives ahead of them. I squeeze Liam's hand and we are just sitting there, not saying a word and I am just being thankful that he is still here with me.

I don't ask him about his medication. I don't want to bring it up. So we start talking about sports, ignoring the fact that Liam is dying, pretending that everything is okay. 

It is getting darker outside so I walk Liam home and I go back to my apartment. I have been ignoring Harry today and I hope that he is not waiting for me at home. But I am unlucky, he is sitting on the couch when I enter the living room.

"Hey babe," he says and he stands up to give me a kiss but I lean away. 

He gives me a confused look and I take a deep breath, close my eyes, trying to strenghten myself. 

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing. I just... Look. I've been thinking and I... I'm not sure if I'm able to be in a relationship right now," I whisper, immediately regretting what I have just said but I know that it is the right decision. 

Harry is staring at me with his eyes wide open.

"What do you mean, Lou?"

I can see a few teardrops running down his face.

"I want to focus on Liam," I say and I bite my lips and almost start crying.

"You know that I would never tell you not to meet him."

"Yes, I know but... I feel like I have to spend every second with him and..." I can't finish my sentence because I start sobbing.

"Come here," Harry says and he comes closer to hug me but I back up and lean away again.

Harry laughs in disbelief.

"Are you sure you want this? I would be here for you if you let me," he says.

"Yes, Harry. I want this. Liam needs me and I... I'll be there for him" -even if it means that I have to lose the love of my life, I complete the sentence in my head. 

Harry wipes away his tears and nods, knowing that I have made my decision. 

He opens the door but suddenly comes back.

"You know, Louis, you should let people love you," he looks me in the eyes.

His gaze is killing me but he turns around and leaves before I could respond. 

So I throw myself on my bed, sobbing, thinking that I will lose every single person I love. I was all Harry's and I will probably belong to him for the rest of my life. But all I can think about is Liam, he is the most important person for me right now. And I will have time for others when he... gets better. 

I am exhausted so I close my eyes and I start thinking about Harry. When his dad almost hit me, our dates, the amusement park, his smile, his laugh, the way he used to look at me when he was pissed. His soul. His wonderful, amazing soul. I try to erase the memories while my tears are flowing like a river but I slowly fall asleep, hoping that I won't dream about that lovely, curly boy that I just left, probably making the biggest mistake of my life.