Story Of A Girl

Miss Lonely

-*/* 2014

        I'm falling deeper into the sun. Soon\I'll be blinded by this broken heart of mine. I watch it day /nd night these days while I spend my n*-hts writing to you and burning the letters I can't let you read. I want you to love me. Not just say you love me, but actually mean it. Somebody tell me where broken hearts go. Where should I go when I feel afraid? Should I ever love him again?  I can't believe all the mistakes that I've made lately. All I'm doing is pushing them away because I'm scared they'll be just like him. Chan. I haven't spoken of him to anyone in a while. I still miss him but what happened between us was just, wrong. I'm in tears at the thought of him. I miss the bruises he gave me. That's the only time he called me beautiful and he was the only person that would. He built be home from a broken house but then I wrote him a song with the words he spoke. I guess that's what I got, something red. Bloody red. He loved those horror movies where there's tons of violence and he'd repeat what he saw. He always said, Baby girl, I love how much you love me like that. Let's get in my bed. He used me then, but I didn't see that until now. I always thought that maybe one day he'd change like kept saying he was going to but no. If anything it just got worse. Maybe I'll just give him some time to fix up this heart that he's let down.

        My moms birthday is coming up. I haven't seen her since May. What have I done? You have left your family. You're a stranger to them now. They have no idea who you are or if you even exist anymore. They haven't heard your voice in forever. You're a terrible person, leave them out of this life. And so I did as my mind told me to do and I let it go. I didn't need to hold on to everything that let go of me. So from then on I did as I always did and stayed in my room all day everyday with my music blasting as loud as it could get. The rock stage is coming back to me. It brings out the real me, the person inside of me that has been dying to come out. My addiction with fire lately though has become insane. I burnt my hand on a fire barrel the other night with some of my brothers old friends because my drunk ass decided to find out if the barrel was as hot as the fire inside of it. 

        What if he today he starts searching every lonely place looking for me? Calling out my name at the end of every corner? What if he's trying to find me but neither of us know? The taste of his lips on the tip of my tongue is at the top of the list of the things I want today but today there are so many enemies in between us. Love and lust know where we stand and I know it's not love. Shadows come with the pain that I'm running from. Love was always right behind me until I pushed it in the river. Should I ever tell him where I go when I feel afraid? Is he sleeping by himself, or is he giving his love to someone else? I'm trying to find him but I just don't know, where do perfect hearts go? 

        I know where broken hearts go because that's where I've been all this time but oh Lord, where is his? I need him so much right now. I know he can take me far out of this world where I wanna be but how do I find him? I'll get there one day. One day I'll be with someone who loves me for me. I think.