Story Of A Girl

Terrible Secrets

September 2014

        So I'm back at regular school now. Bacon county is killing me. Kyson B. Medders is my latest crush but instantly I realize, he's trouble. Crushes are only replacements anyway. Replacements for the one thing I truly loved and wanted. Replacements for Chan. Maya stop. My mind is yelling at me again. Me and Kyson have been fighting for weeks and all I want to do is end it. I don't like fights but at least he makes me feel like I'm not invisible. Like somebody actually sees me. I don't care if he hates me or not, as long as he just sees me. But my friend Kylee is actually Kyson's bestfriends girlfriend so they're pretty close and now she's starting to drift away too. I'm losing everybody lately. My mom, my brothers, I even miss Adam for once. Me and mom are so far apart now I call her by her first name, Marjorie. 

        The thing lately with Kyson though is we've been talking as friends more now than I thought we ever would. And I've let him on my new life. I told him about my past. About Chan, the cutting, the pills, the alcohol. I had never opened up to anyone like that before. And then to find out my soon to be step mother was sending him naked pictures was just great. Not really haha, scratch that. I was terrified for the poor boy. He had sat with me at a rodeo I went to last weekend with Kylee and her boyfriend Chad and he even rode horses with me. It was a great time because I hadn't been on a horse in a really long time but it was just so weird that I found out that my crush liked me. After all of this You can go die in a hole and die for all I care. and Go on with your life, I don't give a fuck about you.  He says he likes me. Why do you want me now that I'm leaving? I just want him to understand who I am. But that's impossible for everyone.

        I feel like I  haven't seen my big brother in ages. I cry for you to come home, Christian. I miss your touch when you'd come in and say I love you thunder thighs. Yeah, I know I hated the nickname you gave me but that never meant I hated you. It's been thirteen months now since you left me here stranded all alone with mom and dad. Why did you do this to me? What in the hell did I do to you? I just wanted you to stay with me and love me. After Chan left, you were the only thing I had left. The only person who knew my terrible secrets and still stayed. But I guess they scared you away too. I hope you and Sarah are happy in Valdosta now, I can't believe my big brother has already started college. I wish you knew what really happened with Chan and I might just tell you now because I won't be in this world much longer. He hit me, Christian. Remember how you told me the morning you left that you'd never let anyone hurt me and you'd never leave me? You lied on both parts. I know you're probably furious with me by now so I'm gonna stop writing in just a second. Remember though, I never left you. You left me. I love you and take care. Don't blame yourself for something you couldn't have stopped. 

        I finished the note and lay it by my bed with a pencil and a heart. I really do miss him. I run to the kitchen and test all my fathers knives to see which is the sharpest and take it to my room and slice my leg over and over again in the same place to where it's almost half an inch deep and I can tear it with my finger if I really wanted to. If I live the scar won't stay long anyway, my skin is much too hydrated and healthy for that even though I wish it wasn't so it'd help me leave. I honestly don't want to be here anymore. I make a graph on my leg in several places so there is blood rushing every where through it and pouring out, dripping down my legs. I repeat the graphs on my left arm and take 15 acetaminophen and lay down in my floor. I want to have coverage over the scars so if I live through they aren't completely noticable first thing as I wake up because I won't remember what happened. I'll miss letting you get to know all my terrible secrets and I'll never let you stay.  I whisper one last time as I plug in my earphones and fall asleep.