Behind the Darkness

Living Alone

No matter how hard i try to concentrate on what's going on, I never seem to remember what happens during a day. I think back to what happened and all i see is a replay of someone else living out the actions i made. It's kind of weird to think about what everyone else must see of me during the day; maybe i'm just a ghost of a person, a shadow, following everyone else around until i ultimately end up back here. Alone. Asleep. Weekdays have always been, and will always be painful but at the weekend, it's a different story. At the weekend i'm not dragged out of my bed at a miserable hour and forced to do nothing compelling for six hours. At the weekend i could finally reach a mild state of relaxation that didn't end up stressing me out again at the prospect of falling behind. At the weekend i could be me, i could do whatever i wanted (within reason).

I did have the odd parental restriction, you know, the normal 'don't do that or you might die' routine (not that i'm that worried about dying by accident, it just saves me some effort). But other than that i was almost completely free, to be honest half the time my parents aren't paying attention anyway so what difference does it really make?

Today was a hard day, getting out of bed took at least an hour purely because i couldn't face the day, or my parents, or anyone i might come into contact with, or the idea that getting up implied i had some grand plans to behold and start with that would magically take up my entire weekend. When i eventually did rise and whack on my chosen attire (probably something suitably gen z looking as it made my mother sigh when i walked down the stairs), i decided to go out. Going out was a rare occurrence for me, the threat of having to have a conversation with anyone was a dangerous arrangement but today i really needed the fresh air, i needed to be around people or heaven knows i might go bat-shit crazy.

The wind wasn't as harsh today as it had been recently, it was more like a light breeze that brushed past my face and onto somebody else. The sky didn't seem as monotone grey as it had been for almost a week, the blue was fighting past the dull colour scheme of late and suddenly the sun had made an appearance, like a celebrity cameo in a tv show. Bustling people all around, the normal Saturday rush of the high-street, it felt like home to me. I spent most of the afternoon snaking in and out of people, going in and out of shops and collecting my own mini haul of half useless, half essential items. Obviously, the smoothie i picked out was the most important thing i got all day - along with the giant pretzel.

I sat on a park bench, alone, the sun disappeared from my view and everything went blurry as the last few specs of happiness drained from my day. It was like my joy was seeping out of me by any tiny crack imaginable, so much so I could almost feel the energy pouring out of my fingertips and diluting the depression of the outside world. Figures floated past but I couldn't distinguish one from the other, I couldn't concentrate at all, even the pavement was beginning to look hazy as everything became the same dull beige colour. Sometimes this happened, i'd find myself suddenly numb and have to sit quietly somewhere to wait for it to pass, or at least settle down to the point where i could focus for more than twenty seconds at a time.

It always feels lonely. Sitting alone. My parents weren't the biggest advocates for listening to my problems so over the years they festered into something much worse, which at this point i really don't think can be fixed. My mind was unsalvageable.

I couldn't tell you how long i was sat on the bench. Time would fly past in my little silent episodes, and if i don't get removed from it by something outside of my body i could be there much longer. My eyes focused on the warm tarmac underneath my feet as a pair of ripped black converse settled around a metre from me. They were pointing directly towards me and didn't move for at least a minute before i decided to look up.

"Hey there chlo"

Ugh great. Just who i wanted to talk to right now. Beth.

Beth is a difficult situation to explain for several reasons. We won't get into it now.

"Chloe."

I avoided her look at all costs, the swing set in the distance suddenly of more interest than anything around me.

"Chloe, please, I know that look."

"What do you want?"

She outstretched a hand in my direction.

"Walk with me?"