The Rise and Fall of Matt Litter

Chapter 13: Therapy

I always complain about people selling lies about me. That's usual. When I try to complain, nevertheless, I'm treated like an idiot or, even worse, like a rockstar. I hear more than one interviewer and or journalist refer to me as a 'complicated rockstar' (that fucking word... rockstar... I hate it), a 'spoiled young man' and, my personal favorite, an 'ungrateful kid who cannot seem to grasp how lucky he is'.

I couldn't care less about the things they say about me, anyway. Or well, actually, I need to correct myself here; it's not that I don't care about them saying something, it's just that I don't care about the things they say. These are superficial things, and things I don't mind. Journalists speaking my name? TV hosts making a big fuzz about the things I've said —nor confirmed, nor denied, just said— over the course of the year? Tabloids with my name or picture on them?

Fame is tricky. It is, no matter what anybody says. It's tricky because before you become famous, they sell it to you as a completely different thing. You see famous people all the time —on TV, the news, the magazines, the internet... everywhere, really—, but once you become one of them... these things sort of change. It's not the luxurious, lavish life they sell you in the media, neither it is the one you always believe it is. Look, when I was a kid I grew up with the idea that famous people had it all served (and many times they do), and that their lives were free of troubles of any kind. My dad had this idea that to be someone in life, you needed to have money, the more the better, and I don't mean to say that I agree with him one hundred percent (I could never, and I like to think I'm smarter than that), but there's this thing... money makes the world go round. It's horrible and it's a hateful idea, but it's sort of true. And yet, the more money doesn't mean the better life —you can be an ungrateful, hideous human being and still have all the money in the world—, but it helps.

I don't consider myself famous anyway. I know is shit to say that, because I am, in fact, pretty famous, or maybe not just myself but the entire band, but still... I don't like the term, famous... I hate it. I don't like it, even if it's part of my lifestyle, even if technically I am famous, even if this whole term comes hand-in-hand with my status or my position as a bassist in one of the bestselling bands in the USA... I still don't like it. Hell, I cannot count the number of times I've corrected someone who called me a 'rockstar'... I'm no rockstar, I'm just a musician. I'm someone who makes music for a living, and that has been lucky in that field... nothing more, nothing else. I can call myself a rockstar out of spite but trust me when I say that I don't feel like it at all.

What I hate the most, and I always say it but it's true, it's the fact people tend to think that because I am, famous, they're entitled to a part of my life that I'm not willing to give away, not now not ever. And it doesn't only mean my relationship with Demian or whatever my personal life is or isn't, it's just... more than that, much more than that. It's a lifestyle that I'm not getting into, a way of living, and a way of behaving I don't want to take part in, and I don't know what people don't understand of that. 'Oh, but you live your life in the public spot, that's the price you gotta pay...' no, it fucking isn't. There shouldn't be any price to pay, and if there is, I sure don't want to be paying it. I'm not a king, a president, a prince, I don't need the whole world to turn their heads towards me every time I open my mouth, whenever I say or do something... I just don't need nor do I want that. And it should be my decision to make. Nonetheless, it looks like it isn't, and that the entire world turns its heads when people like me say or do something, anything really, whether it is controversial or not at all. Everyone seems so willing to just pay attention to whatever folks like me say or do, and I don't mean to say it's stupid... but it is.

Anyway, it's December. I've been trying to stay quiet and to mind my own business for months. I don't mean to say it's quite of a record, but it sorts of is. I mean, this year hasn't been my best one, definitely, and I don't know how worse it could've gotten but let's just say I'm glad it all stayed the way it was once we came back from the tour. With time, they —the media— stopped talking about us and me, and moved on to entirely different topics, which was good —for us, not to the other people they bothered, but... it was good for us.