The Rise and Fall of Matt Litter

Chapter 15: Home again

"Hello, you beautiful people! How are you all doing tonight? It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" our fans scream, and Demian smiles. "You're all beautiful, beautiful people, and we're very happy to have you here! We're more than happy, we're— glad, delighted, in good spirits, uh— ecstatic! All that and more, much more, and just for you!"

Our tour began in March, and now it's been a month already and we haven't even visited half of the country... and we still have other four continents.

This will be our biggest, most expensive tour to date. Not that we've done many tours before, but this one is definitely the cherry on top of the cake that's been our career so far. With an amazingly well-received album, a song that's stayed on top ten on the charts, for now, two months (and counting), and sold-out venues, there's probably only a few things that could make us have a bad time during these upcoming months.

"There's a big magazine that wants to write about you," Kyle tells us as we leave a hotel in Vegas one morning.

Have I mentioned I've got a love-hate relationship with Kyle? He's been our tour manager since tour number one, and I'm glad he's been with us all this time, but sometimes... sometimes he's just too much. And this is one of those times, and not because of the conversation per se, but because I know damn well where he's going with this.

It's been a few good, quiet years. No problem with them, no issues with them, just the boys and me resting, writing, and recording. But now that the promotion begins again... that the tour begins again... I sort of hate this more than ever.

"How big?" Nick asks, making the rest of us laugh —or trying to.

"Very big," Kyle clarifies, "and you'll be fools to turn it down..."

"I doubt that's a possibility," Demian adds.

"Right, and that's why once we get to San Francisco in a couple of days, you'll do it... guys, this is an amazing chance, don't you see?!"

Oh, we do. We see quite well, we all do. The problem is, it's like I'm unlocking a new fear, or at least one I didn't know I still had... and isn't it scary?

These things... they throw me off my rhythm. I feel on top of the world right now, as the tour begins, as the gigs begin and I'm feeling home away from home on the stage every single night. I feel home amongst this beautiful bus, my beautiful friends, my beautiful lover, and my beautiful fans... and I've been feeling quite good for a while. And yet, Kyle had to mention this stupid interview for this stupid magazine, and I'm already panicking... do you know what's good for not panicking? Sleep. Either that, or to play, but since we don't have a gig scheduled for our first Vegas night... we do a different kind of playing.

Do you know how Las Vegas is famous for casinos? Well, we know that damn good. Freddy is the best player among all of us, but strangely, that night, Nick's the winner, and he ends up buying drinks for all of us.

Have I mentioned we're touring the country with another band? It's called The Boycotters, and it's got a girl named Penny as a singer, a drummer named Tina, guitarist Jack, and bassist Mike. They don't travel in our same tour bus, but we hang out quite often and they're actually pretty cool, so at the casino, Nick's gotta buy drinks for the nine of us. We've met them a couple of times before, at award shows and a festival, and when we found out they were going to be the supporting band we almost cried in happiness. Not that we aren't still glad that they're with us, but sometimes... I hate it, and I'm the first one admitting it, but sometimes I just hate seeing my friends making other friends... it's such a shitty, strange behavior to have, and I know it, but I just cannot help it. I guess I'm constantly afraid my friends are gonna become better friends with someone else and just... replace me. Does it make any sense? Part of that I guess it's just my normal fear of abandonment, and the other part of that is the fact I just feel as if I'm not fit for social situations. I've got this overwhelming feeling of not being built for social interaction, never knowing what to do, or what to say, and maybe it doesn't happen every single time, but it's been happening a lot lately... should it make me anxious? Because it does, to be honest, and more than that... by the way, during this time I had to abandon therapy for obvious reasons during this time, and that means I have no other way to express myself than complaining about my problems, either with someone else or with myself. And, of course, I choose to complain to myself because... I hate dragging people into my problems.