The Rise and Fall of Matt Litter

CHAPTER 7: Be Yourself

The next week is shit. We play in Tampa, as you already know, New Orleans, and Huston in a matter of six days.

I act strangely during the entire week. There's honestly not a day in which I don't think about the e-mail and whatever it is that I'll do with it in the following few days. I don't feel like doing much, I don't feel like saying much, and I only feel like playing music. The boys don't push me —they know better—, and still, there's nothing I'd like more sometimes. Yeah, if I think about it, the idea of them asking me what's wrong with me that I act so quiet, so distant, or basically so blue gets on my nerves really fast, but still... sometimes I wish they would ask, you know? Even if it's just so I can say 'it's all fine' and, of course, lie... it'd be nice. I know they don't ask because they know it gets on my nerves, but, still...

Demian knows better as well.

We haven't been talking much, because I've been acting strange and I don't want people to bother me, so we just... don't talk very much. He gets offended easily, by the way, in the times when I'm like this, I mean... he just doesn't like people being mad at him, no matter who they are. And I'm sorry for him, but there's nothing I can do to fix it... not now, at least.

I got interviewed before leaving New Orleans, on a radio station, all by myself. I usually don't listen to that stuff, but some of my fans have been talking to me about it in the e-mails they send me, so I guess I just have to listen to it. I skip the first part, but I go exactly to the part they're all talking about —which is me talking about music.

It's a great interview, to be honest. I mean, at least compared to others I've done. They listened to my albums, and ask questions that are clever and well-thought, so...

"Now, Matt, tell me, you've been in love with music for how long? I mean, since you were a kid? A teenager?"

"I always liked listening to music, you know, but, uh— it became everything to me once I was like eleven or twelve... so it's been a while," the remark makes them laugh, I can hear it.

"That's good to hear... and what has music meant to you during all this time? Has that changed since you were a kid? Does it still carry the same emotional meaning that back then?" Oh, that's a question, I remember it... I remember drumming my fingers against the mic. Those questions always make me nervous, even if I already know the answers.

"Uh, well— I found every single thing I needed in music, every single word I needed to hear... I found company, advice, uh— an entire world, you know? And now it's pretty much the same, but, uh— I guess that with my music I'm the one making other people just, uh, giving them advice and company..."

"That's what music means to you, then? Company?"

It does, to be honest. But it especially did mean that when I was a lonely kid, more then than any other time. I always doubt whether to tell these things to someone, it's just... too personal. And yet, they can help others... my fans, or anyone listening to the radio... maybe that's why I told them.

"Yes. I mean— look, I love music, I really do. And as a kid I discovered it wasn't only something that I'd listen to to be entertained or to just, uh, have fun; I found an entire universe that connected with me in a deeply, personal way. I found voices who screamed for me when I couldn't, voices who spoke for me, who went through the same things. Maybe I didn't know how to express some of the things I was feeling, or most of them at least, and maybe I'd feel my struggles were only mine, but I'd hear songs like Green Day's Basket Case and I'd feel understood. Because after songs like that, I'd feel that my struggles weren't so strange or insignificant, and the fact someone was writing, singing, performing a song about them made me definitely feel less alone. And there are words in songs, in particular songs, that I learned to stick by, you know? I'd hear Audioslave's Be Yourself, I'd hear lines like 'be yourself, is all that you can do', and I'd wear those words like an armor. Every single time, and I still fucking do. Because it's people like them I believed, people like them understood. It's songs like those the ones that kept me going. You know, I've screamed songs like Pearl Jam's I Am Mine at stadiums full of people. Songs that have meant the world to me since the first time I've heard, songs that I've literally got tattooed in my skin. And songs I never thought anyone would, like— songs I've felt drawn to, and never expected anyone to feel the same —until I went to a stadium, sang, screamed, and cried, surrounded by millions. And there I understood they understand, too. All those million screamers, criers... they do, same as I do, same as the band does. That's the powerful part; it's people who speak about themselves, their experiences... and yet, you understand, and that's how you know they understand you as well. I mean, I— I love Fleetwood Mac's Rumors, but I could never feel close to that growing up, and I mean, uh, emotionally speaking, because my life wasn't that interesting! I didn't have failed romantic relationships, I didn't cheat on anyone, no one had cheated on me, I just— That was music that couldn't speak for me. I could enjoy it, but it didn't speak for me. But, of course, if I listened to Springsteen sing something like 'I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face', I'd feel seen. I'd feel heard, understood... and I wouldn't feel alone, at least for those minutes those songs lasted... so it's all about company, I guess. Always about company..."