Passionate Exchange

Chapter Fifty-Six

My dad asks, concern pooling in his eyes, "are you sure about this?"

I've spent all night thinking about what I'm going to do next. I gave myself a day to push it off and act as nothing happened, but it was time to come back to reality. I have two choices; do I go back to Portland and suffer through seeing Archer each day or take the safe route and stay in London?

There's a long list of consequences for each option. If I go back, I don't know how I'll react when I see him again. Will I drop to my knees and cry or walk past with my head held high? I'd like to think it's the latter but I'm not so sure. There's also the risk of another argument which I'm definitely not ready for. Most importantly, will I be able to act like everything's okay? No one knows about us. I don't want to give them a reason to believe there's been something going on.

But there are equally as bad consequences for staying. What if he were to change his mind but give up trying because I'm halfway across the world? I know that's impossible, but I can't help but hope. I'll miss out on homecoming, graduation and so much more. London means comfort but it also means lost opportunities. Am I willing to lose them for him? If I did choose to go back, would the memories be ruined by my time spent with him?

As you can imagine I didn't get much sleep last night. I spent every second of it weighing the pros and cons of each option. I decided at four in the morning, a mere two hours before the flight. I hope I made the right decision.

"Don't worry, I'm sure." I wrap my arms around his frame and squeeze tightly, burying my head into his chest, taking comfort in him holding me like this.

"We're going to miss the flight." Penny looks at her watch alarmingly. Her eyes dart from the direction we'll be leaving to me. She taps her foot against the tiles impatiently. She's never been one to be late.

"Right," I step away and grip my luggage.

"Do you have to go?" The sadness in Sadie's voice causes a lump to form in my throat. I swallow it, blinking back the tears. Remember, Madison, this is a good thing. I have to tell myself this as her eyes pour into mine.

I kneel so I'm closer to her height. "I'll be back before you know it." I ruffle her hair causing her to scrunch her nose. "Keep me posted about your crush, yeah?"

She nods and hugs me. I hug her back with just as much force. I stand up, wiping down my jeans rather quickly fearing that if I stay with my head resting on her shoulder for much longer, I'd break down in tears and change my mind.

"I'm going to miss you both." I manage a small smile.

"We really need to go." Penny rushes me.

"Okay, okay."

I give Sadie another quick hug and turn to my dad, but he holds me at arm's length, staring into my eyes. "Don't let it ruin your happiness, darling."

I know what he's referring to instantly. I stick my pinky finger out in front of him. "I won't, I promise." He nods and hooks his pinky with mine.

"Come on." Penny links our arms and drags me to the terminal. "Bye, Tony! Bye, Sadie!" She calls back with a quick wave. I turn around just in time to see them waving goodbye before I'm dragged out of sight.

She finally releases me once we're on the plane. I stuff my luggage above my seat and sit down. My stomach is in knots, knowing that I'm only hours away from seeing him again. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. I repeat these words over and over again in my head hoping that I'll be more convinced the more I say them.

I promised him I wouldn't let it ruin my happiness and I'm determined to keep that promise. I want to make the most of the time I still have left in Portland. If that means being civil with Archer, then so be it.

Did he hurt me? Yes. Am I ready to forgive him? No. Will I act like we're fine for the sake of the happiness of me and others? Yes.

"Are you okay?" Penny asks as she places the neck pillow around her neck, leaning back into her seat.

I nod. Her eyes hold my gaze for a few seconds longer before giving me a tight-lipped smile. Seeming satisfied with my answer, she puts her earphones in, and I sigh deeply.

"I will be," I say to no one but myself.

I'm not going to let it get to me for any longer than it already has. I always suspected that I was being too forgiving. After he accused me of wanting to kiss Levi at the party, I was quick to let him sleep in my bed. Why did I do that? No, I do know why I did that. I did it because I needed him. I don't need him anymore.

I've given him so many chances which ultimately affected my happiness. I need to start putting myself first and thinking about what's best for me in the long run rather than making a rash decision about what's best for me at the time.

The tiredness from hardly sleeping last night hits me like a brick and as soon as I close my eyes briefly my eyelids grow heavy. I allow myself to relax, wishing that I bought one of those neck pillows when I had the chance. Despite everything that's happened, I find myself smiling as I fall asleep.

Thank you for everything, Archer Anderson.