Passionate Exchange

Chapter Sixty-Six

Madison gasps slightly at my words. I continue to keep my gaze glued to the wall. I can't turn around and see the horror on her face that I know is there. She will never want to see me again after I've told her this...that's a good thing. It's what she needs.

I'm thankful that she stays quiet.

"I was new to the party scene so I didn't know how much alcohol I could handle. People who I thought were my friends were handing me drink after drink and I took them. I thought it would make them like me more." I scoff at my naivety.

"Archer," she says my name with so much sympathy. I can picture her face. She's probably frowning, a crease forming in between those beautiful eyes of hers, and maybe she's even reaching out towards me but stopping herself. My cruel self hopes she's doing that.

"Penny would always be there to pick me up after. She would lecture me about drinking so much with strangers, but I didn't listen to her. I kept telling myself that she was wrong. They weren't strangers they were my friends. I was too naive to see it before, but I knew nothing about those people other than what they liked to drink."

I chew my lip anxiously. Releasing a shaky breath, I run my fingers through my hair. "Except one night she wasn't there. I was too drunk to walk. I couldn't even take two steps without almost falling to the floor. So, I called Beth. I thought I was being responsible." Bile rises in my throat as I say her name. After all this time it feels wrong to say it.

A stray tear rolls down my cheek, but I wipe it away. I'm sure she noticed. "I shouldn't have let myself get so drunk," my voice comes out thick, laced with sadness. I clear my throat. "I waited for her on the side of the road for what felt like hours, but she never came. I remember at the time being pissed that she didn't. I was stupid for thinking like that."

My breathing gradually grows heavier. If she didn't notice the effect talking about this is having on me then she definitely does now. The pounding of my heart fills my ears. If I didn't know better, I'd be convinced she could hear it too.

"What happened next?" She asks.

All I want to do is stop reliving this nightmare and take comfort in her presence, but I know I need to finish. "I got a ride with someone else and tried calling her as soon as I got back. She didn't answer which pissed me off even more. I thought she had changed her mind about us, she didn't pick me up and now she was ignoring my calls."

I blink back the tears, balling my hands into fists. "I woke up the next morning to my parents standing in my room. I knew something was wrong by the look on their faces. That was when they told me she'd been in a car accident."

She gasps once again and starts shuffling behind me. Car accident doesn't seem like the right word for what happened. It makes it sound too common, too superficial. What happened to Beth was more than just an accident. She was my entire world and when the "accident" happened it was filled with darkness. The only person who's managed to bring back the light is Madison.

I'll gladly succumb to the darkness once again if it means she's happy.

"She was on her way to pick me up when a drunk driver crashed into her. If I didn't call her, she would have been in her house, safe." She places a hand on my shoulder. I almost flinch from her touch. Sighing deeply, I close my eyes, savouring the feeling. Her warmth seeps through my shirt. I wish that she would never move it. I let myself turn around to meet her gaze.

"That wasn't your fault." She declares. Her eyes are serious, but I can't let myself believe her. I'm responsible for what happened no matter what anyone says. It's my fault she isn't alive today. I hold my head in my hands as I relive the pain. "You can't hold yourself responsible for what happened to her."

I place her hands in mine. It feels so right. "I pushed you away because I thought I'd hurt you too. I didn't want to ruin you any more than I already have by exposing you to my life. You're too pure, too innocent."

My vision blurs but not enough to stop me from noticing the tears growing in her eyes. I hate that I'm making her cry again. This is what I wanted to avoid. Whenever I'm with her I hurt her. It's inevitable. The worst part is that I know I'm doing it. I'd assume things that she would never do and say things I should never say. All because I was afraid.

"You don't get to decide that for me." She breathes.

I look at her hands on mine in shame. "I know."

"I thought that if you got tangled up with me, you'd change in ways that cripple a person. I didn't want to do that to you. I couldn't handle hurting anyone again, especially you. I couldn't lose anyone else I loved knowing I was responsible."

Her eyes widen ever so slightly but I shake it off, not wanting to work out the reason behind it. "That night in London. That was the first time I really realised what I was doing with you. It scared me. I knew before, of course, I knew, but I didn't admit it to myself. I didn't want to."

She sits back, bringing her legs up to her chest. I watch her, knowing that this will be the last time I see her like this. I'm not going to let myself jeopardise her happiness any more than I already have. I etch every feature and every look in my mind.

God, she's so beautiful. Even now that she's drunk, her eyes bloodshot and her pupils dilated, she takes my breath away. Leaving her after this is going to be the best and worst decision I've ever made.

"Archer," she starts, and I allow myself to hope. "I can't give you another chance." She hiccups. I keep quiet, unable to say another word.

"I'm scared you'll hurt me again."

Hearing those words coming out of her mouth crushes me. This is what I deserve. For everything I did to Beth then proceeded to do to her, I deserve this. I've done so much bad in my life. I won't let myself hurt her anymore. I'll put her first like I always should have.

I stand up and lean over her, pressing my lips to her forehead. They linger there for a second, not wanting to move. This is the last time we'll be so close.

"I understand," I mutter before leaving the room.

It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt seeing her, knowing that there's no chance for us anymore. But this is better for her. She'll grow happier and enjoy her last few months here in Portland without me...that's what she needs.