On The Other Side

Chapter Fourteen: Letting Go

I kiss my sweet Aggie and little Alex’s cheeks, sweep a finger down their noses. Alex is 6 months old now, a sweeter baby there never was. He’s chubby, and happy, seeming to grin and giggle at everyone and everything.

Declan kept his promise, Alex is healthy. He tends to catch a cold more so than anyone else, but he always gets well again. I thank God every day for Declan’s talents as a doctor and his willingness to help us, to care for us.

My fiery Aggie, a precocious six-year-old now. She’s a mother hen to Corky and Alex, reading to them, singing them lullabies, comforting them. Some days I worry I won’t be able to keep up with her, with her antics.

A couple of weeks ago, she mentioned to Craggy that she wanted to be a doctor like Declan when she grew up, a few days after that, Declan handed her a medical book, a big, dusty tome of a thing.

Aggie’s eyes glowed with pride carrying the book around that day. She reads from it every day, she doesn’t yet understand most of its content, but she’s not deterred. She talks to Declan whenever she can, asking questions, curious about everything.

Declan, so patient with her, always willing to teach my small, spirited daughter.

Declan, I sigh. He’s one of the reasons why I’ve asked Milly to look after my children. I need to go to the harbor. Will, he’s calling me, calling me to let him go. I haven’t been able to as of yet, haven’t been strong enough to. Saying goodbye, it hurts.

I remind my Aggie to behave, to help with her brother, thanking Milly again on the way out the door.

New York, I breath in the sweltering summer air, the smells around me making me gag. The city's covered in a thick filth, a mantle of anguish.

Garbage piling on the sidewalks, in the streets. Starvation runs rampant, breadlines snaking through the streets. I hand out simple biscuits to people in the streets. Their hands dirty, their eyes gaunt and haunted. I don't have much, but I give what I can. Thanks to Declan's kindness, I have enough.

I take a deep breath through my mouth, smooth my hair I’ve pulled back into a braid, make sure my dress isn’t too wrinkled. My dress is made of the simple, but beautiful, cotton fabric given to us by Crag and Dec last Christmas. I feel beautiful when I wear it, the soft peach color making my skin glow. 

I walk slowly to the harbor, not in any hurry for the pain this day will cause me.

I find a quiet spot, out of the way of the bustling city, the noise. The water laps at the shore, reminding me of Scotland, the comforting sound of the ocean. Just thinking of home, my eyes well with tears, they fall, unchecked down my cheeks.

We’ve been here in America a little over a year now, and my heart still hurts for missing the mystery, the beauty of Scotland. But that’s why I’m here today, to let it all go.

The sobs start then, I can’t hold them back any longer. I’m always strong around my children, around Declan, I have to be, but I can’t be strong on this day, not right now.

“Will, I can feel you telling me it’s time to let go, but I don’t want to.” I put a hand to my heart, “I know it’s time, I can feel it here, but it hurts too much. I've been feeling guilt, but I have to tell you, I’m starting to have feelings. I’m not entirely sure what kind of feelings, but, regardless, I’m having them, for Declan.”

I pause, not sure how to continue, “That’s why I’m here, I have to let you go,” My voice catches, but I press on, “I have to move on, it breaks me saying that, but, I have to.”

I have to sit, the pain too much to bear standing. I can feel the cold-water soak through my dress, making me shiver, “I love you, Will, I always will. I’ll never let Aggie forget you, I’ll always make sure Alex knows who is daidí is, where he came from.”

I press my face to my drawn-up knees, exhausted, the tears still coming. I cry, and cry, and cry, my head pounding, my eyes red and swollen.

I’m drained when I stand, when I turn my face to the sun, when I whisper, “Goodbye Will.” I blow a kiss out to the ocean, the wind catching it, taking it to the heavens, to Will.

The Statue of Liberty gleams beautifully in the summer sun, filling my heart with renewed hope for the future.

With my heart lighter, I make my way to Dec’s store, I need to see him, I’m not sure why, but that’s where my heart is leading me.

I step through the door, the bell above jingling merrily. Crag looks up at my entrance, smiles, “What are you doin’ here lass, it’s not your working day.”
I nod, “I know, I just needed to come, is Declan here?”

Craggy grins, winks, “He’s upstairs, working on his medicines.”

“Oh, I won’t bother him then..”

“No, no, you won’t be a bother, head on up.”

I thank Crag, take the stairs slowly, trying to figure out what to even say to Dec, I’m not even sure what my feelings toward him are.

I knock, hear his distracted “come in.” I see Declan leaning over the kitchen table, brown glass bottles scattered about, powders filling different bowls, his beautiful hair flopping over his forehead, his sleeves rolled to his elbows.

“What is it Crag,” He says, somewhat annoyed at the interruption.

I clear my throat, not sure where to begin. “Declan?”

His head lifts at my voice, his blue eyes widening, taking me in. “Claire, what, what’s wrong?” He steps closer, brushing a hand gently over my cheek, “You look like you’ve been crying, are ya alright?”

I close my eyes at his touch “I’m fine,” I hesitate, “I was just letting go.”

He nods in understanding, “A hard day for ya then,” His accent seems thicker, softer, the brough rolling off his tongue, making my toes curl.

“You’ll be wanting something to eat? Maybe some canned peaches will do the soul good?” He smiles cheekily at me, his eyes dancing with mirth.

I throw my head back in laughter, tears of joy coming to my eyes. Maybe letting go isn’t just about hurting, maybe it’s about letting in the goodness too.

Maybe.