Devil May Care - Deckerstar

Chapter 15: And guilt shall be your tour guide

The night that Lucifer spent comfortably in his bed, with his little girl warm and safe on his chest, was the hardest night Chloe ever faced in her entire life. Even harder than the one she had to give birth in the back of her car. Not even being on the verge of death had been as unbearable as that night.

There was so much guilt coursing through her body. It ran alongside her blood, it lay on each and every single square inch of her skin. She deserved everything she was feeling, she was well aware of that. In fact, she was starting to hate herself even more for the things she said. How could she have told him she didn't know if she could accept him? How could she doubt him in the first place?

She didn't sleep for even a second, too afraid that the image of the beast that laid underneath Lucifer's soft and freckled skin would haunt her. She knew she still felt the same for him, devil face and all, but reality was, she had never been more scared of anything in her life. She had had an inhumane need of walking up to him to kiss his charred lips until the beast went away, but she had also been unable to stop walking away from it, from him.

The expensive red dress, the expensive, golden stilettos, everything she had been wearing for what had promised to be the best date of her life, were now laying discarded somewhere in her home, making a futile attempt at filling her house up. Only that it wasn't just the house that was empty, it was her, too. She was missing a piece of herself, her family.

With a breast pump where her baby should have been, she spent all night in bed but without being able to close her eyes for a second. The mixture of guilt and fright were too indigestible, too hurting, for her to do something about them.

She knew Clover was safe in Lucifer's hands, it was an undeniable fact. The devil, charred beast or not, cared for his little urchin. She had seen it and now treasured it, because she feared she'd never see such an image again. And with reason. The way he had looked into her eyes when he told her he already had his answer, that look would be embedded in the back of her skull for the rest of her life. She feared she had never hurt someone in her life as much as she had hurt him, and if she could go back and not fly to Italy at the first chance she got, she'd do it in a heartbeat.

She also knew they had to talk. It was urgent. Even if Lucifer refused to, she wouldn't give up on her daughter, there was no way on earth she'd do that. A night away from her baby had been unbearably painful, she wouldn't want to imagine how a lifetime would feel. She loved her daughters, they owned her heart, and she just wouldn't even consider the possibility of losing her littlest one.

That was why, sometime during work hours, she drove over to Lucifer's penthouse, with a case in mind and so much conflict surrounding her.

She hadn't been able to tell Dan and Ella that she and Lucifer weren't together anymore, she didn't even know if they had ever been together in the first place. She just didn't have the heart, not with how much Ella and Dan seemed to love having Lucifer around, and knowing that, in a way, he was still a part of their lives.

With Pablo Silva's murder inside her mind, plus the pain and heartache of the night before's conversation, she parked inside Lux's parking lot. And honestly, she was considering giving herself a fine because of how badly her grey cruiser was parked.

She had to take a couple of minutes to normalize her breathing and stop her tear ducts from betraying her. She felt so guilty, so much so that only thinking about the night before, and everything she did, made her want to sob. The sight of the empty car seat through the rear view mirror, the little toys and pacifiers laying around, it just hurt too much. It was as if she wasn't able to find a place where the pain of her own actions wouldn't break her heart into a million pieces.