Devil May Care - Deckerstar

Chapter 18: Mind like a foreign land

Tossing and turning was the event of the night at the Decker household, with two out of the four residents unable to sleep. Particularly, the two adults... Or the adult and the angel. Everything was silent, everything was painted in dusk, yet the reason neither could fall asleep was entirely outside their control.

Talking about Chloe being a miracle and having an evening of so many realizations had made their minds feel like they weren't their own. Mixed thoughts and feelings clouded a pair of judgements that lay just a couple of doors away, and neither of them could do anything about it. The thoughts were invasive, relentless, and for lack of a better word, uncontrollable.

Chloe was in her bed, laying on her back with her eyes wide open and just trying to make sense of what it all meant to her... To them . She was a miracle. She was someone God chose to put in a determined slot of time and space for something, and she couldn't help it but feel like she needed to do more, that she had an even higher purpose than she ever thought she would. She might as well have a higher purpose, yes, but her existence may have just been to give God a grandchild, and it angered her that the almighty could have seen her that way, as just a means to an end. She felt objectified, and couldn't help it but think her only purpose had been to bring Clover into the world, and maybe to give the devil an Achilles heel of sorts. She felt grateful for everything she had, she really did, but she also felt guilty for ever being in a mindset of doing Lucifer as much harm as Kinley wanted her to, and there was just no other place for her to hide, to run away from it all. She was locked inside her own mind and it was in those moments of solitude and silence that she really grasped the degree to which her guilt extended to.

Clover's nursery and a bathroom later was the devil, also laying on his back with his eyes wide open, thinking of that conversation. He didn't know what to make of it anymore, if he should believe it or not. It made no sense to him why Chloe would choose to react the way she did, all calm and collected and grateful. He had felt, and sort of still felt, like she had been a gift to him, and the realization that Chloe didn't see herself that way was utterly confusing. He felt overwhelmed, spent, and yet, when he closed his eyes, all he could see was the image of Chloe with their daughter on her lap, looking at him with something resembling hope painting her cerulean eyes. And it wasn't just that standalone picture, no, it was also everything it made him feel.

The only moment his thoughts seemed to take a breather and stop was when he saw how, from under the door, someone's feet obstructed the dim light coming into Maze's old room. He waited patiently, without making as much as a sound, wanting to know what would happen, not knowing what to expect. Not closing his eyes because that picture would just take over his mind again and render him useless.

Chloe stood outside the devil's door, barefoot and in nothing but her oversized t-shirt, for a minute and twenty-six seconds, doubting, thinking, wanting. Her hand had tried to reach the door handle many times in futile attempts of opening his door and entering his room, and maybe, if she were to turn out lucky, getting him to hold her to sleep. She couldn't deal with her own mind anymore, and yet, she ended up walking back to her room to torture herself some more. She couldn't do that to him, she couldn't keep on placing the weight of her bad decisions on his shoulders.

The devil saw the shadow of Chloe's feet disappear as the woman walked back to her bedroom, not being able to find the courage to come in. He released a long, deep sigh he didn't realize he had been holding, and watched as the line of light underneath the door went from being obstructed, to being completely free to shine.

Something resembling disappointment added itself to the pile of emotional garbage Lucifer was dealing with, disappointment that the detective hadn't been able to bring herself to open his door. On one side, it made him feel sad and crestfallen, but on the other, he had no idea what he would have done if Chloe Decker waltzed into his room in nothing but the t-shirt he had caught a glimpse of. There was no room in his mind for him to feel all hot and bothered, but if there were, only the brief glance he took at her long, toned legs would be enough to tip him over the edge. And to think that, for one marvelous night, she had been all his and there had been none of the issues they were now dealing with. It seemed to have happened so long ago, when in reality it had been less than a year.