my Writing

The ectescy

I feel your hand caress my thigh I slowly close my eyes to take another breath of your ectescy. I open them to see my clothes on the floor and your arms around my chest when I tell you thats all that I knew thats what I meant. I remember the ectescy that made my shirt come off. The breaths that made my eyes roll back. Every hit makes me an addict, but I can say that you're all im addicted to. The hit makes me feel safe but the breath follows me deeply down. All that I want is to be in your arms until I fall further into your breaths. I want to taste your lips, I want to feel your fingers caress my hair, I want to smell you cologne as you get ready for work, I want to hear your voice until I cant anymore, but most of all, I want to see you everytime I close my eyes, I want to open them to see you. The dreams disappear and my reality fades in. I'll never be in your arms again. I'll never feel that safety I'll never understand. And ill never wake up to hold your hand. I breath in another hit, I feel it fall into my lungs. I keep searching for a drug to make me feel as you did, but no matter what I never feel your breath against my skin. Heroin reminds me of my mind as a child just more fucked up. The black tar reminds me of the blood consistency when it drips. Meth made me feel like I could never live again, like every hit I took wanted me dead. But thats not what I wanted to feel, I wanted to feel your breath again. Xans made me feel nothing at all, it was a nice feeling tho. I couldn't feel the pain from heartbreak, I couldn't feel the anxiety that kept creeping in... I couldn't feel the tears as they fell down my cheeks... I tried to talk but couldn't speak loud enough for you to hear me "how could you fucking do this?! Look at me im ruined, all this pain all these tears all this shit and I had to experience my biggest fear." Losing you, due to me... all the words I couldn't speak... "im sorry, im stupid, you had the best of me and I had 1 ⅗of you." All I could feel for years, was the pain and the shambles I had been left in. I'm my only hope now... i went to go smoke a joint and figure out where we went wrong. I still couldn't figure it out so I smoked a bong. 1,2,3,4, couple more hits and I wont have to think anymore. All the pain you've put me through you could never say "I love you too" , maybe after this blunt I wont be able to speak. But sadly I could... met you on the train tracks and took a walk through the woods. We talked about what happened and where it all went wrong. We listened to music. We talked and I felt your breath against my neck again. I shuddered at your touch, but I was finally fucking gone. Every piece and every song, none of it could explain where I had gone wrong. After I left you that night, I went on a walk by myself, I wound out walking out of town... I hoped to find you waiting for me wherever I went... I soon realized If I had been walking to find you all that time I would only lose myself. Maybe I had everything, maybe everything I was all I had left. Maybe there was a reason we each did what we did. But ill never see anything from your side again...