my Writing

i feel safe daydreaming again

I used to daydream of not waking up again, I thought a bullet through my skull would be romantic. And each day has taught me that everyone would think it tragic. I would find it nothing but bliss in this life that I live acting like my life is so great yet no one gives a shit. I thought dancing with the bullet buried deep in my skull would fill my mind with the patience to forget the past. I thought the daydream would come true, for anyone who thinks this life isn't cruel is a fool, try living thought I what I have seen and tell me what would your daydream be? Why should I keep going? Why should I continue on this long hard road that shows me nothing but pain? Why would I continue on when I am feeling nothing but pain? I've been trying to sleep since 11 pm, but everytime I try I daydream instead... its now 5:21 am and im writing whatever this is that you want to call it. I feel alone and empty in my own head and have closure in nothing knowing my own thoughts want me dead. I feel like a child, I stuck my foot out then end of my blanket and off my bed and I couldn't keep it out bcuz I felt the demons creeping in... I feel paranoid and I dont get it, its been years... why haven't I healed over this shit? Why am I still thinking I could never be safe again? So instead of thinking again I daydream and everytime I wanted to let the bullet to hit the impact of my temple I just remember, that I have other people to live for... my thoughts are getting better, gradually as I have, I still find it embarrassing that my daydreams want me dead, dont let me fall tf asleep, I might not wake up due to a bullet in my head... I want to bury it in there and see if with my autopsy they find my thoughts, they aren't easy ones so I'd understand if they got lost in it... they'd find all my trauma, all my pain and all the things that made me feel sane...