my Writing

its getting bad again

Its getting bad again... my thoughts, my head they're not my own. They make me sick when I eat. They make me think im someone im not. The medications don't help, pill after pill; im drowning myself everyday bcuz missing you comes in waves and I drown in it everyday. I may not cut again, but its been on my mind which is scary cuz that tells me its getting bad again. Im trying. I cant promise ill pass every class, but im trying. The intentions there but I dont have time to care for myself anymore, im sorry if I fail. Its just what I do. I cant balance it all im drownng in papers that are due at midnight. Im flooded with thoughts that I cant stand. I thought I made it through. I thought I took control back but now its just my mindset. I cant cry anymore. I cant sleep anymore. I cant eat without thinking im fat, once im done I go to the bathroom and tell everyone I just want to wash my hands... they don't see whats below my surface, they don't see how my own thoughts violate everything else in me. I'm trying. I cant keep up with classes cuz im trying to keep myself alive. IM TRYING. I promise I am. I can sit in class and listen but I dissociate and all I see is red from the blood that hides under my sleeves. All the blood that I've seen it still rushes through my head. If I felt alive, maybe I could dive deeper. Maybe if I felt like I was worth something I'd keep going...