my Writing

17 years old

Today is a dream, I dont want to see it. And every dream is a false hope of reality, knowing ill never be anything. 17 years old and I stare at the ceiling all day listening to songs that make me think back, 17 years old and I dont want to keep holding on. 17 years old and I hate what I dont know. I hate that I dont know when ill lose my dad, I hate that I dont know how long a relationship will last. I hate that I dont know how long you'll stick around... I keep my eyes on my phone when im near him just so he won't try to have a deep conversation with me cuz im afraid that if we have that conversation I cant turn back. Ill be stuck on him forever. There's a space in my chest that I feel beating but its empty. It doesn't do anything but keep me alive... if I could rip it out I would but I've already tried... you have one too, I felt it as I was laying on your chest, it seemed calm as mine was beating out of my chest. That space thats there doesn't make any sense to me anymore, it used to be something now its like an abandoned building, you can tell that its there but its been worn out, now its just an eye sore. When im with you why does that part of my chest hurt? 17 years old, "you dont know what love is" no, I do... its that feeling of eating that piece of cake while you're on a diet, you know you shouldn't cuz it will fuck up all that you have going on... but as you take that first bite the sweetness carries it down anyways... my chest is empty since you've left... I've felt the beats but never feel the connection to it... your beats were all that kept me going, they kept me wrapped up in every second... they taught me what it meant and how to be they showed me who you loved and what you needed they taught me to never take anyone for granted cuz I may never feel that beat again... its said that when 2 people are in love, the beats sync together and become one... my heart still beats to your rhythm... almost like a drum, but its painful cuz I feel it there and yet its numb its voided and out of order its the corner of one place and another that always gets mixed up... cuz it always fucks you up... 17 years old, but I knew how to love you. 17 years old, and it still hurts that I lost you...