my Writing

The last kiss of a bullet

You always have been and always will be the only person to send shivers down my spine with a single breath. Who could give me goosebumps with even the rise of a chest. A heart beat once steady grew older then broke, at the last kiss I thought I would literally choke. My breath panicking knowing it'd be the last, the one last time our lips would touch and the last time I would shudder at your touch. One more time to let our lips say goodbye no matter the pain of the last kiss left behind. No one can have me like you did, that bitch you had back then, she's dead. She fucked around and grew up. She doesn't love, only lusts. For the one last kiss always had left her numb. For the one last kiss made her grow up. That one last kiss was all she needed to know, you could never love her. With a single breath much less with your body heart and soul. Never say you love her when you could do what you did. Never chase a bitch chase a bag instead. Never chase a love chase that one last feeling of lust. One and only person who could take my breath away with a single breath, would you be happy if I left your life simply by putting a gun to my head? Would the memories of that one last kiss be forgotten? Or forever remembered knowing it was the last time you could ever have me like that? Alive, me, the girl you loved. Your touch left me fucking numb, all these emotions and all I feel is dumb. You could never love me since you could never get what you wanted. You could never trust me cuz you made me rebound when I wasn't ready... I am destruction. I am pain. I am all the thoughts you keep trapped in your brain just so you still have the memories but not the touch of the girl you wanted to be your last... she may be gone soon. For good. All those parts you loved, her body? Just slammed in a morgue and left to rot? "This Jane doe, poor girl had no one left." -"im sure at one point she had been someone's everything"-and now here i lay with a bullet to my head and a guilty conscience left behind. There are no sorry's or I tried bcuz the girl you lost lived the rest of her life as an empty husk. Going through the motions drowning out all the pain, living her life as if everyday was a "good day" what about the ones she couldn't pull herself out of bed? That didn't matter cuz you had another love, you got to feel numb to the emotions of me by fucking another bitch while I had to bleed the rest of your touch, out of my sleeves of my thighs. I wish you could've seen my eyes, the bloodshot look with the diluted pupils and the color you loved... what now? You move on, pretend you didn't break me and like I didnt lose your trust? You can say you want me around all you want, as far as I'm concerned you could never make me stay... bcuz its bcuz of you I've lived with all this pain! Its bcuz of you I've felt nothing but sadness and rage! Its bcuz of you, I will bury that bullet in my brain and hopes it will hit the part that holds out memories... for at this rate I wish for nothing more than to forget that last kiss... that last hug... that last "have a good day at work hun" that last time we had said love... the time that broke us up... the time we had was great until I became another bitch to play. I could never forget what you did... please God just take these memories and hit delete. They're like torture that live on repeat those moments when the liquor gave me clarity, the moments that were honestly relaxing... the rise and fall of your chest, the steady sound of your heart beat, you were a completely different person around me... what now? I'm hitting delete, hopefully this bullet will put you out of my memory. Hopefully this bullet will make me happy... hopefully these words will be the last of me... hopefully this bullet will remember this tragedy... a girl so loved everyone could say "she was a great friend" but they could never say "I could see she was in pain and I tried to stop those emotions of those motions for her..." they can only say "im sorry for not realizing the pain she had lived with"- "im sorry she buried that bullet in her brain" and "im sorry, I thought she was strong" yall could never say "I thought she was bulletproof " cuz yall damn well know multiple hits have taken me down, but that last kiss has been the final blow.... the last of my tears can be found at the bottom of a bottle with the rest of my hope, after you it was best to just let go. With you I had nothing but hope... that last kiss made me realize we were toxic. The arguments the fights, I didnt care I had lost it. I did what I thought I never would. I swore on my grandmothers grave I never would. I couldn't fight the feelings and I couldn't give it up. What if just one more kiss could make me feel less numb? What if I could replace how you made me feel with someone else that would hurt me a great deal? After that I just stopped... I realized I couldn't take the pain away cu, there had always been one last thought. There's just one kiss that could make me feel life, I will never have that again so whats the point? I carry knives to protect this skin that im in but if im bring honest my soul has left my head, im this empty husk of a girl once well known. Then she fell off and got taken from home. Let people in for them to let her down, I wish I could say that im the one smiling now. At my service to say shit about God, we all know I fell from grace a long time ago. At my service dont say I could honestly smile cuz all you could see was the pain that never showed. You all saw how bad I was hurting. You all saw how badly I hurt. But when push came to shove you all made it worse. You never asked me how I was doing, but you read my thoughts and deliberately told me to go through with it. You never gave a shit about me, admit it at the end of the day I was shit to you... now I say farewell... as my last kiss is the barrel that holds the bullet keeping me from saying my pain. You all saw through the sunshine to see the rain, you all saw it. It was just a question of "will she make it through another day?" You all probably knew the answer and didn't ask, thanks for asking how I was doing... I always said im fine but no one questioned it enough. I was going through the hardest shit of my life and constantly told to give up... but when I tell you this guy that gave me shudders and sent chills down my back, I wanted him to be my last kiss... not this barrel with this bullet so this is the last of me. Imma smoke this bag of weed and go somewhere you'll never find my body... just to say to give it all up, it seems tiering but at these final moments I will find peace and clarity... as my last kiss will be the barrel that holds the bullet as it takes my breath away, so many times like you could in one day... damn...this last breath...