Finding Home

Chapter 10

Six - painstakingly - long - months.

That's how long I've been back in the Avengers' Tower; how long I've been trying desperately to suppress my memories.
My feelings - if you can call them that. I am still a bit unsure myself.

Six months of being around James Barnes. Six months of tossing around the idea of if I should or shouldn't just confess; tell him everything. Rather than continue watching each of us tiptoe around the other.

He wasn't my Soldier anymore. I knew that.
Bucky is the one I need to get to know.

Maybe, if I fall for Bucky, everything will be okay?
Maybe, if I fall for Bucky, I can feel genuinely at home once again.

Can I have all that back, though? Will it be the same as it was with the Soldier? Do I even want to risk it?
There is so much that can go wrong, but does it outweigh all the things that can go right?

Wandering around the kitchen early one morning, talking calmly to myself, I make some coffee. Being the first one awake has its advantages.

I am so enthralled in my own world that I don't notice Natasha has walked into the kitchen and taken a seat. "Morning," she greets.

"Mm," I hum back, my voice low. "Morning."

I am frustrated with things. Feelings, thoughts, memories of my own; this puts me in a mood - not a good mood, not a bad mood, just - a mood.

"You're using your calm voice today. Who's getting killed?" I can all but hear the smirk on her face.

I turn around and look at her, returning her look with a devilish smirk of my own, a look she knows all too well. Leaning back against the counter, I cross my arms across my chest.

"I need to scream," I sigh. "Or kill someone. I'm leaning towards killing." I tilt my head in mock thought, still speaking in a calm, almost reassuring tone.

"No one is killing anyone..."
I groan as Steve's voice booms through the almost empty room.

"Always a killjoy, huh, Rogers?" I turn back toward the counter and my coffee.

"Only when it comes to you, Petrova," he says with a playful smile.

"Why ya always gotta ruin my fun? Can't you ruin Stark's day some time?"

He walks up next to me, pulling me into his side, one arm wrapped around my shoulders.

"Nope." He kisses my hair gently. "It's surprisingly more fun to ruin your day, doll."

I let out a quiet sigh as he releases me and walks toward where Natasha is seated.

"Go work it off with some training if you need to," he suggests with a shrug.

"I don't think that's a safe plan there, Captain Oblivious," I chuckle, primarily to myself, not bothering to turn around.

He raises an eyebrow. "And why is that?"

"Because she's using her calm voice," Nat interjects with a slight giggle.

I turn to face the pair, resting my back against the counter again, this time my cup in my hands.

"Unless I'm training with you," I take a slow sip of the hot liquid in my hands before mumbling into the cup, "or possibly Barnes -" I take another drink before looking back at Steve, "there's a good likelihood that I could seriously hurt whoever I train with."

Steve smirks. "I'm sure we could arrange something, Marena."

I try to smile in return, but my eyes catch Bucky making his way into the room.

Seeing my expression shift, Natasha follows my gaze. Looking back at me, she offers a sympathetic smile.

"I think I'm gonna try to... I don't know. Work out or something."

I set my cup in the sink, not bothering to finish it. I turn on my heels and quickly make my way toward the elevator.

It is so exhausting and frustrating, trying to hold myself from falling for him all over again.
Is that really what I'm doing? He's not even the man I fell for in the first place. Why am I having this conversation?
Oh, yeah, it's in my head.
Get it together, Marena! Come on! I mean, he's the same person, right? Don't you deserve to be happy!? But I am happy, aren't I? I mean, I don't need him to be satisfied, right?
But God knows it wouldn't hurt. To feel those lips, those hands - being wrapped in those beautiful arms.

As I wait, I can hear bits and pieces of the other's conversation.

"What's with her?" Bucky's voice breaks my thoughts.

"I don't know. Maybe I should try to–" I hear Steve's stool move across the floor as he stands up before Nat interrupts.

"Leave it, Steve. She's just in a mood. She'll be fine."

Always my savior, even when you don't know it, Младшая сестра (younger sister). I smiled to myself.

Stepping into the elevator, I turn just as the doors close. Catching a glimpse of Bucky, I could have sworn I saw a flicker of pain in his eyes.

Not physical pain; more emotional distress. As if he thought he'd done something wrong to cause me to run off as I did.