AMBW IMAGINES

So Hard to Say Goodbye

{RM }

another rough night of sleeping. the last few months i haven't been able to sleep. always having some sort of nightmare. i couldn't sleep or focus. it was like my life my falling apart. my thoughts were running wild. i even had to put my career on hold. i was leader how could i go on hiatus and desert my brothers. i knew they were just trying to comfort me and tell me that my actions were "fine" or "understandable" but it wasn't. i had to learn to not let my personal life interfere with work life. i don't know how many times i've been to this hospital. visiting hours are only five hours. yet i make sure i spend all 300 minutes here with her. 

i mean her condition is the reason i've lost sleep. my baby, my yn. for years she has been battling an aggressive illness that eats away at her brain cells. it's a rare condition and doctors aren't sure how to treat her. over twenty neuroscience doctors have ran tests. but the results are the same. nobody knows anything. 

i know at some point in our lives that we all die. we have a limited amount of time on this planet, so we have to make the most of it. even knowing though i know this fact. it doesn't take way the ache in my heart when i think about her limited time here. here with me. the day she leaves is the day i lose my better half.

i shot up quickly. wincing at the crick forming in my neck. i rested my head at the foot of her bed. she looked so peaceful sleeping. the sight scared me. the look of sleep mirrored death too easily. i wanted to shake her body awake, but i knew my actions would do more damage than good. i rubbed her hand, feeling the roughness of her fingernails. it's been a few months since i last clipped them. i would do it when she woke up, i don't want to startle her like last time.

her small curls on her head laid messily against the hospital sheets. even with her disease, she was still the woman of my dreams. when her eyes meet mine, heartbeat thumps loudly in my ear. when she calls my "joon" with her raspy voice, i do cartwheels. her simple being makes my day. cause it's another day, i was able to have it before she goes.almost like clockwork, her nurse gabe knocked on the door.

"come in"

he smiled at me. a hospital breakfast tray was in his hand. he was a recent graduate of nursing school and was so polite. he was good at his job, and i am grateful.

gabe put the tray down and approached yn. still sleeping, he grabbed a little remote. tapping the button lightly. since the bacteria ate at her brain cells she couldn't do simple things like wake up independently. to wake her up, they would send light electric pulses to her heart. i could only imagine how painful the experience was. but as usual, i held her hand, waiting for her to jolt up.

"good morning honey, how are you feeling?"her eyes were heavy with sleep. she didn't jolt awake like she usually does. that must mean something, right?!

"how are you?" she said sleepily. her other hand rubbed her eyes. i hated this part of the morning. She was rapidly losing her memory, and every morning i would have to make her remember me.

"i'm namjoon or joon, your boyfriend."

"i have a boyfriend." her eyes were wide and excited.

"i never had one of those before."

i laughed at her. before being hospitalized, yn was such an energetic goofy person. always finding something to laugh at. even if it was herself. she was a playful person.

"am i a good boyfriend?"

"your the best." she smiled at my words. turning her head to finally look at gabe. she smiled at him too.