No Guilt

Chapter 5.

Devon

Yawning, I woke up to his yawns.

Last night after I was in my head thinking thoughts while peeing in our bathroom filled with art I'll never seem to understand, I walked into the bedroom finding Harry asleep with no clothes, he looked so innocent. As if he wasn't calling me a slut and cumming in my ass a few minutes ago. He laid with his right arm under his pillow and face against it. His cheeks were squished and it was the most precious thing I had seen, how is the same man that yelled at me for calling him Harold.

What the fuck is his deal. He's never yelled at me like that, well he has, but this time it was different. When it happened on the motorcycle he reacted in a way that left me silent, I thought I was going to die with the way he started driving. The wind was blowing in my hair and he was ignoring all of the red lights; just kept moving. The sirens of 5th ave didn't effect him, why did he even take 5th ave? It's the longer way home. Second time I mentioned it to him, in the middle of sex, dominance fueled over. Don't get me wrong, I love dominant Harry, but why is he reacting that way to just being called "Harold", is that not his fucking name.

To be honest, I'm more mad at myself. I should've realized he's not comfortable being called his real name. I know he's Harry, but it slipped.

I wish I could understand him, it's almost been a year and he still feels like a stranger. I love him, but it's hard when you don't know anything about them. I don't make it a big deal as long as he doesn't ask me anything about my past.

Seeing our relationship from the outside looks bad, really bad. We're fine though, it's how we cope. It's how I cope with all the shit I went through in my life.

Not talking about shit is how I forget and all I want to do it forget. Forget how abusive it all was, how miserable they made me. All the hardcore drugs I used to cope was replaced by Harry the second I met him. That's why we're so good together, we are the others addiction.

Sometime I want to tell him about how my parents left me with any baby sitter they could find for years to ignore my existence. No one knows how I would get high in Washington Square park with strangers till I was fainting on Broadway Street in the middle of an ally. I'm too scared to talk about it because then it's real, and it's my fault.

How do I tell someone, especially Harry that I was violated in the back of a taxi cab when I was 16, by a random boy. I was so gone off Molly I didn't even know who he was, intrigued by his accent like the dumb teenager I was who lived for male attention. All I got was his name and it stuck with me to this day. In my nightmares; Eddie, at least that's what I heard his friends call him. Before he insisted on getting me home just to assault me in the back of a taxi.

"Morning lover," Harry turns to face me with a smirk on his face. I hadn't known I was poking my ass out towards his front. Still being naked from last night and I in an underwear, I feel him get hard.

"No fuck no, I'm so sore. Harry put that dick back in soft mode, lover," I mock him. I will not be having morning sex when I can't even walk straight.

"Such a boring girl," he smirks and buries his face back in the pillow as I shift my body away from him.

Should I ask him, he looks so calm. Maybe he won't react the way he had before.

I get my naked body only covered in a thin underwear and wrap myself on top of his cold and warm body. I don't how to explain how his skin feels right now, it's so hot yet I know he's so cold. The same way you feel when you enter a warm room after being outside in the cold for hours. He's so beautiful under my body, laying down with his hair falling past his eyes. I love this length, it's a little longer than usual but not as long as it was before I met him. He always shows me picture, you can tell he's super proud of growing his hair to his shoulders.