No Guilt

Chapter 8.

Harry

I look at her as she chokes on her breaths. What I had just confessed left her looking like she was in a coma. I didn't see her move, hell I don't even think she was breathing. She just stood there, eyes wide open and chest not rising. I barely recall what I said and why I said it, I was almost as lost as her. I added an 'I think' to my sentence as if that would have made things better, to be quite honest I was trying to convince myself more than her, the minute the words had already slipped through my mouth I knew we were done. I expected this to happen, we had a good run. I love her and will never stop loving her. Dev is the one for me, she always kept me on my feet. Living in the present and forgetting everything else. Absolutely everything. She was the source of my life, before I met her I was just surviving. There's no life involved with the shit I was caught up in and when I left it, I still felt empty. I assumed everything was the cause of my misery but it was always fucking me. I ruin what comes my way and I just ruined the one person that anchored me in the sea of my chaos, the one woman that kept me on my feet throughout regaining control; aiding me on turning survival into life.

And now she was walking on shaky knees to where my numb body stood. Her tall frame coming closer to me; fuck I always adored her height. She just barely met my head, granted I'm 6'2, but to the rest of the world being 5'9 is tall. I love the empowerment her height gave her, I never want to see her look small... ever. I always want her head held up higher than the rest of the world because to me that's exactly who she was. My powerful Devon who could grasp the world by her one hand that never fails to be manicured in a clean nude with my initials painted on; H.S. on her pinkies, D.L. on mine- I was going to do D.C. but not only did she yell that she wasn't "a fucking superhero" she also doesn't identify with her parents' last name; it's always Devon Lee.

"Stop fucking with me, Harry." I felt a harsh slap burn across my left cheek; can't I ever catch a fucking break? Her giggles flooded her sentence, she was laughing?

"Devil," I stated with a firm and harsh stare. I only ever called her Devil during sex or when I was I was trying to calm her down. It's not the sweetest nickname, I get it, but nothing about her is sweet. Also her name Dev-il. There's no better nickname for the one woman that has me, Satan, wrapped around her pretty little finger.

Her face drops in the realization that I'm serious, knowing she can't humor this situation like she always does. She does it with her parents, she did it for Bella when Gigi passed, and now she's doing it to herself.

"What do you mean? You think- you- killed your brother?" She was stuttering out every word.

"It's too much to explain, give me time. Fuck this is why I didn't want to say anything, you see what you did Dev, look what you pressured me into shouting like a dumbass fucking idiot. Look what you made me do."

She's staying silent as I find the words to speak, words that make me sound like an asshole. Her hands that were burning my cheek not too long ago now on her side, rubbing the side of her thighs to calm her down, her anger issues have been disturbed and she's trying to contain it.

I go to grab her arms, to stop the motion but she flinches as a response to my touch. Her dark brown eyes, nearly black, nose flaring as she maintains her breathing patterns; chest rising up and down in unison. The beauty in her face deflected into an association, she's staring at me the way she stares when someone mentions her parents; I'm the only one that ever catches it because it only happens for a millisecond before she switches on her fake persona, the one where her parents are traveling and she's holding down the business for them out of love, she's associating me with her parents.

"Dev, please don't look at me like that," I beg through my pronunciation, you can hear the desperateness in my crippling voice.

"Don't look at you like what?" Finally, she speaks.