No Guilt

Chapter 9

Devon

God if he would just stop crying so I could hear my thoughts.  

I have this irrational fear that everyone who's ever entered my life will eventually leave me. And not like a "we've grown apart" kind of leave, more like a "you were my biggest regret" kind of leave. But never did I think I'd leave Harry.

I'm not dumb, I always knew he had some trauma he never wanted to speak about; I can read the signs, hell, I'm the poster girl for trauma. And although I never cared 6 months ago when I was adamant we kept our relationship solely present-based, I do now.

Because now I see a future with him, but it's not enough if I don't know his past. 

I hate myself for it, because I know he never agreed to this. But I've grown into it. 

"Baby, please. Just put the suitcase back baby. We'll move to that house..." He pleads with so much pain in his voice, I've never seen him so...desperate? "...C'mon Golden girl let's go back to bed, act like none of this happened. Remember the first time we met, at Gi's party, remember baby?" He asks while I ignore him walking towards our bathroom to pack my products. 

As I open the medicine cabinet he creeps behind me, wrapping his warm arms around my lower waist. "Dev look at me! Talk to me please!" He exclaims with even more struggle. I know being this vulnerable is too much for him.

I turn my body around, slipping out of his grip to sit on the toilet seat. For a second, looking into his eyes, I wanted to do exactly what he said, force myself to forget, and go back to bed. 

To wake up as if nothing happened. 

To stop wanting more from him. 

But I couldn't, I can't. 

"Harry, I love you so fucking much, but I hate you right now. I hate that all the trust we've built isn't enough to talk about our pasts. I want to tell you everything, I'm so ready for it, but you're not. We aren't who we were when we met. I didn't care about your life in London, why you moved here, if you had a fucking sibling or not, or what your damn favorite color is. But now... now baby I want to know..." I say as he crouches down on both knees on the bathroom floor to meet my eyes. He reaches his hand out and glides his fingers over my cheek, palming my face so gently. My face naturally sinks into his soft hand. "...I want to know everything about you. I want to know why you love painting your nails that silver nail polish that's so obviously expired. I mean cmon the smell is deadly..." I chuckle at my remembrance of the polish, while he just stares continuously into my remorseful eyes. "...I want to know why, every night, you blow a kiss to the painting I feel so fucking guilty about breaking, but you know what I want to know so badly baby?" I pick up my body leaving Harry still on the ground and grab my suitcase, walking towards to bedroom door. He follows me as I wait for his reply.

"What do you want Dev, I'll do anything just don't leave but don't ask me about it anymore." 

"I want to know you." That's what I said before he fell to the ground in a position I hate seeing him in. His fingers tugged at his hair, scratching down to his face. 

"Fuck Devon, you do know me. You're the only person that's ever known me. Don't end us for some stupid way I reacted over a name or the painting or what I said earlier. You don't understand how badly I wish I can give you an answer but.. fuck... baby I don't even understand the question. I ask myself it all the time. I don't know how I got here, why I got here. I just know you and all I ever want to know is you. So please, please keep me in your life..." He says that last sentence and crumbles back down, every word he said that had him raising his head higher till he was on his feet came crashing back like a heavyweight. "...you're the last person I want to force myself to forget. Because once you walk out that door I'll have to forget you." My chest tightens not knowing what to say but luckily for me, he continues the begging.

"And I don't want you to be like everyone else. I don't want you gone," he cries and we stare at each other for seconds in silence. What does he mean, 'like everyone else'?

I continue to stare at him but all I see is a dark void that I haven't seen in a while...until he gets up from his weakened position and strides towards me, breaking me out from my thoughts.

He looks at me like Iike I'm his source of light and he's a child afraid of the dark. 

"What are we going to do golden girl? What do you want to do?"

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It's been so long... lowkey forgot about this story till I read it over the other day and was like oh shit I had so much potential for it let me continue it. 

I'll try to update regularly, I've just been having no motivation but if you guys like it lmk and I'll try my best. ;))'