No Guilt

Chapter 6.

Harry

I haven't felt pain like this in a long time. That numbness in your bones, the one that surpasses your heart and attacks your movement. The one that doesn't allow you to move as it's eating away your brain. My heart is fine, my heart is always fine. But my body, it feels like I'm in an everlasting sleep paralysis episode. I can't seem to move it, I can't seem to even pump my lungs... "up and down harry, up and down like mom taught us" ...for breathing to occur, I've been choking for so long and I can't stop it. I couldn't stop it then and I can't stop it now. It always eats me. My brain is on time lapse, so much memories flooding it that I can't keep up. All the images as if I was scrolling through my camera roll but instead I'm scrolling through a deep and morbid part of my brain I've had locked up since I left London and met Devon. She was why the door kept closed, who knew she was the one to open it.

I trusted her, she trusted me.

I attempt harshly and eagerly to shake my body out of the mannequin-like position it's stuck in but I don't budge. My stubbornness came to kick me in the ass. I won't stop trying though, funny thing about being stubborn; I won't even let my body have control over me, not my heart and not my brain. Every decision is made by my soul and what it tells me to do, maybe that's why I'm so reckless.

If I could just give up and let my body go, let the shock my brain is suffering reunite me with my brother, perhaps I wouldn't be choking on my own saliva. But I can't, I can't give up survival like they did. I was so close to the end, up until the feeling of movement began in my lungs, looking down halfway to see as my chest rose up and down in fast pace gasping for more air to hold onto after choking for so long. My eyes shifted to the shadows beside me, running them up and down the pure body that was keeping me sane; is it god?

I always knew I met god and I did, God was you.

The pair of beautiful brown eyes I so deeply missed in the moment my soul left my body and my lungs were blocked. I saw her and I was looking at God.

Those brown eyes so deep like the night sky,  almost looking black in this dim lighting. Specks of stars in them; a walking constellation her eyes were. The glow she burned into your skin as she watches you is the most addictive and consensual feeling to ever exist.

My body fully awoke in a rush of excitement and adrenaline knowing I was free of my nightmare and reunited with the women I'd kill for, pushing myself up until my back couldn't feel the bed and I propped myself, directly staring at those stars. My hand that I could now finally control reaching for her leg, pulling her closer to me and seeing the difference in her reaction. Less responsive and comfortable, more reactant and alarmed.

My stomach fell as she pushed my hand off her body in fear, a pain in my gut was taking over my body; worse than whatever before is. I felt the need to apologize over and over and over again knowing what I did and how I reacted to everything prior to my episode. I've said sorry to her on multiple occasions, it's not like the phrase is foreign to me but it's just a force of nature; a habit we're taught as children- to apologize. But right now at this moment I feel like my world is being demolished in-front of me and I need to try everything to fix my errors.

"I'm sorry Dev, I can't even begin to express how sorry I am." She turns her head away as I reach my arm out; grabbing her by the chin before she fully faces her back to me, pulling her closer towards my face, I swipe our noses across each other, landing a peck on her forehead before placing mine to touch hers.

A few moments of silence go by, just me and her like this. Our souls connected.

"Why did you go nuts for me calling you Harold," she breaks the silence and I flinch at the name. She's brave... saying it again after the last few times, I attempt to keep this interaction peaceful. I understand her curiosity to what occurred last night.

"What time is it?" I question her, closing my eyes so I don't have to look into hers.

"Harry..." she says softly with an annoyance in her tone knowing I was doing my best to change the subject, "It's 1:23," she replies with a sigh, so tired. She breaks our touch and grabs the remote that controls the blinds, bringing her face back to mine and pressing our foreheads lightly against each other again as I hear the shades opening and the light bursting through our floor-to-ceiling windows in which display the sun everyday. She lets go of the button after I hear no blinds further opening. Her hand that was once holding the remote, now on the bed between us, , comes up to my cheek and the other to my hip.

"Harry please talk to me, we don't communicate. I want to talk with you; I'm just trying to understand why I walked into this bedroom hearing your gasps as if you were choking. I thought you had gone to sleep after the hallway incident but then I hear your lost breaths after cleaning up the mess I made, your beautiful painting that I destroyed. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But please, all I want to do is understand. Just let me in a little, tell me something and I'll tell you something." She begs me, tears starting to present themselves onto the surface of her delicate skin that's wrapped in beautiful acne scars and freckles, I could stare at the constellations on her cheeks and eyes all day long.

I pause my thoughts, "You know we can't do that, we work so well because we live in the present not the past. If you knew things about me you wouldn't love me anymore. And it's sounds like a stupid bad line in an awful romance movie but it's true for us. If I let you in I'll have to let you out of my life, you'd want to be let out of my life."

That's when the tears start falling down; like a stream, creating a luminance to her eyes and coating it in glaze.

You glazed my life Devon.

"My parents hate me and that's why I ignore all the hinting you make about wanting to meet them. You've been the only good thing in my life and they've been the worst, I can't let them poison this world we have. You're mine and nothing will ever change it, so what you tell me won't change it. I thought I loved living in the present with you, and I do but not when your past is seeping through it and harming our world... not when it's harming you." She confesses through her tears, referring to what she had just seen me go through on the bed, sobbing at the end of each word; giving me time to process what she's revealing to me. I know she doesn't talk to her parents but I thought it was just because she's an adult now and they don't live in NYC, not because they hate her. How can anyone hate her?

I wish I could've hated you Devon.

I keep staring into her gleaming eyes, trying to wonder if I tell her or not. I could just lie.

...

Hey guys, thanks to everyone who's been reading my story, I know Devon Lee Carlson actually has blue/green eyes but I wanted to change it up for this book because every fan fiction is a blonde with blue eyes and as a brunette with dark eyes I wanted to romanticize our eye color too !!

Hope you guys liked this chapter and share some feedback.